Should I still help....advice needed

worriedmumof4_2

Hi all,
I don't know what to do and I am hoping that you helpful people can help me out. I am currently 30 weeks pregnant, with a 16 month old also, so I may not be seeing things as I should, due to hormones and wot not!
My 21 year old daughter spends alternate weeks between here and her boyfriends, she does not work (she is looking), and he has just started a job. They do not really have any bills to pay apart from rent to both us mums. While they are at her boyfriends they sleep on a couple of mattresses, which I must not be ideal. Anyway,A few days ago my daughter and her other half asked me to buy them a bed, then they would pay me back, my daughter said that she would pay me £25.00 today, they had found one that they liked and I would order it for them when she returned today. She came back and gave me £10.00 instead of the £25.00 which was going to be the original payment. I don't know if I have been a bit harsh here, but I have refused to order the bed, explaining that you cannot let your own mum down and you have to put money in priority, (she said that she owed her boyfriends mum money, and the rest for some other bits), I am quite annoyed that she did not stick to her part of the bargain, and what should of taken 4-5 weeks to pay me off, could have taken a few months, I feel that they were taking advantage of me. In my opinoin, I feel that they waste a lot of money, but they are still young without any responsibilities. Have I been too harsh by not ordering the bed and excepting the £10.00 payment? I feel quite bad. Thanking everyone in advance.

RAS

If your daughter wants a bed, she saves up and buys it. Nothing to do with you at all.

Otherwise, how is she going to grow up and learn how to budget?

poet123

It depends on your pov and your circumstances.

You will get some parents saying that at 21 they shouild be standing on their own two feet, and that refusing to help is the way to go. Personally, I would have helped ( if I was in a position to do so) because she is jobless, and you have said they are paying keep to both mothers, so there cannot be much left over to fritter away, and because it is a bed, not a night out, car, etc, but a necessity. I also assume that she paid his mother back first because, well, she is not her mother ifyswim?

I do agree that prioritising money owed (to whoever) is the way to go though, and it is a skill they need to learn. It is hrd isnt it being the mother of young adults? our place is in the wrong!!

BitterAndTwisted

It might seem a bit harsh but I have a feeling that you are about to teach them an extremely valuable lesson. One that cannot be bought for a million pounds.

If they needed a bed that badly they could have acquired one on Freecycle or Shock! Horror! saved up for one. Two young and fit people can sleep on a mattress on the floor for years with little hardship. I know, because that's exactly what I had to do when I moved into my flat without a stick of furniture or a penny to my name.

balletshoes

I think you've done absolutely the right thing, she's 21, lots of young adults that age are out on their own completely by then, and have to budget. she is no different. tell her when she has the £25 and a firm plan on how much she is going to give you and how often she's going to pay for the remainder on the bed, you'll be happy to order it for her.

supersmith

No, I don't think you have been harsh. While they would like a bed as sleeping on a mattress is not ideal, they have gone without one for some time so it clearly is not a "necessary, must have it right now" purchase. They would like the bed now rather than saving for it, so they asked you to help by paying for it and they would then pay in instalments. If you daughter cannot even make the first payment, what are the chances that she will pay the rest?

She has the option to (I presume) sleep in a bed at your house, so if it that much of a problem she could sleep at your house while saving up for a bed with her boyfriend. Or stick to a payment arrangement with you - you are doing her a favour!

Money-saving-gal

RAS wrote: »

If your daughter wants a bed, she saves up and buys it. Nothing to do with you at all.

Otherwise, how is she going to grow up and learn how to budget?

This is exactly right in my opinion. She/they will never learn to respect others unless you insist on sticking to the original deal. I know it's harsh my kids have got away with similar things in the past but I put a stop to it when I finally admitted to myself that they simply were not learning - the oldest is 26!

It breaks my heart at times to know my 21 year old student son is struggling, but then I remind myself that the only way I learned how to look after myself and manage money was to get on with it. I'm so glad my parents never dreamed of bailing me out. I've done it often for my two and wish now I hadn't as it has done them no favours and stopped them growing up.

Good luck and remember tough love is the way forward!

podperson

I think you are completely justified in not buying it. If she couldn't even manage the first installment in full then it's doubtful she would for the rest. Your daughter is an adult now and should be learning that if she wants something she needs to save up for it - if she could pay you back in installments she could put that money aside very week until they had enough, this also means she'll learn to prioritise - if she wants the bed most she won't be spending her money on other things. Besides sleeping on mattresses aren't the end of the world - when me and OH moved in together at 18 we slept in a single bed for 2 years cause we didn't have the money to buy a double, not ideal but we survived!

sashadesade

I think at her age your daughter should be saving up for the things she wants herself rather than relying on you to buy it for her. And it does sound a bit like she's trying to take advantage by turning up with less money than she offered and thinking you'll be okay with it. Also, if she already owes other people money and she's looking to get into debt with you as well it's probably about time she learned about spending within her means.

downshifted

Don't feel bad - you have done the right thing :-)

nnosam

RAS wrote: »

If your daughter wants a bed, she saves up and buys it. Nothing to do with you at all.

Otherwise, how is she going to grow up and learn how to budget?

this is how i was taught the value of money, i wanted a camera and my mum made me save up to get it rather then her buying it and me paying her back, at the time i hated her, looking back now it was the best thing she ever did for me.

dont beat yourself up over it in the long run you are helping them more.