82 year old mum's moved in (temporarily TG)

elaine373

My mum would have been 82, she died nearly 7 years ago.I know i am going to get slated for this but........ you wont always have your mum.i realise things are difficult for you but she is 82.Like someone else said, swap places mentally if you can, it might help.If i had my mum again, i would never let her go.

bluenoseam

I'd also see how it looks from DD's perspective - forgive me, but as i am the bearer of male genes it's difficult for me to understand what goes on in the minds of women, but i'll try a bit

your Mum has moved into your AND DD'S home - it's DD's home territory, the one place she should feel comfortable & in a sense of control, especially as a teenager, it's important for her to feel like this as in future it will help your relationship immensely. Now in her home, she's being undermined, devalued & degraded, i'm not sure, but add those in with a healthy dose of teenage hormones and you have trouble brewing - ultimately your Mum has come in and tried to impose will on DD where i doubt it is welcome & by the sounds of it really isn't needed, doesn't sound to me like she's tearing the place up, parties til 3am & going on with all sorts of debauchery involved! YOU are DD's Mum, the only people who need to speak to DD in any form like that are you & her father, Grandparents mean well, but unfortunately a lot of them forget the vital difference - GRAND parent, not parent!

The other parts, well, that's just par for the course with someone like your Mum, she's set in her ways & used to being independant - it drives you nuts, but ultimately you can't change the habbits of a lifetime, especially when that's 80+ years of a lifetime! When we lived with Gran i would often see my Mum going loopy over it (long story, short version, Dad died at 41 & because of his work we were homeless - Mum moved back home & just kinda stayed!) - although Gran ultimately was a little more "proactive" than your Mum. Gran eventually got to that stage (bless her after a stroke) she was as blind as a bat, deaf as a door post but even at 80+ she did what she could to remain "independant" - probably helped by us all eventually growing into our household roles!

Just keep the head, but have a word with regards to DD - that's the most important thing to get across, it's DD's home and she needs to feel comfortable in it.

Nicki

elaine373 wrote: »

My mum would have been 82, she died nearly 7 years ago.I know i am going to get slated for this but........ you wont always have your mum.i realise things are difficult for you but she is 82.Like someone else said, swap places mentally if you can, it might help.If i had my mum again, i would never let her go.

I am very sorry for your loss but I do think you are misjudging the OP. Based on her post, OP has bent over backwards to look after her mum, she is putting her up for 4 months, AND sorting out her building works for her, and doing everything for her including ferrying her around. It's natural for OP to be finding this tiring and difficult but she hasn't said she wants to stop, is just asking for support to make it easier to bear.

If I were OP's mum, I'd feel very loved and well looked after, and I can't see that OP has anything to reproach herself with on that front.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Have you considered contacting the Insurers and pressing them for a speedier resolution to the issue? They may think that it is OK for the repairs to be second priority as she's with family rather than costing heaven knows what in a hotel 20 miles away, compared to another big job that's on with the same tradesmen, for example.

After all, a hotel will get in touch quite regularly with the company to find out what's happening, so they can make future bookings as appropriate.

Messrs_Arthur_and_Terry

olibrofiz wrote: »

I
I just live in a constant state of anxiety trying to hold it all together. Any ideas how I can survive another 2 months?

I know that anxiety, I had it right up to the point where I left home. And I still get it when I travel the vast geographic divide I put between us, whenever I visit. It's a bit difficult to put the heavies on your mother, because she did such a grand job on you, damnit.

You could try finding the book "Selective Hearing and Other Male Strengths" , subtitled "How to Become Numb to Nagging", it's only about 2 pages of instruction for newbs.

dandy-candy

I totally empathise because parents of any age can drive you up the wall when they mess up the balance in your life! If you are going to have to put up with her living there with you for a little longer (and it seems you are) then I would think about what things you can do to lighten your load. If she likes to sit infront of tv then I would certainly give her the veg to peel while she's there, and why not get her to help you fold the washing and sort the socks? Everytime she comes in from outdoors I would holler "Remember to wipe your feet!" Become a nag too if it will help! As for the towel problem I would just keep your towel folded in your bedroom until you need it so she can't use it. Find out when the builders will be finished and mark it with a big red circle on the calendar so you can count down the days for strength!!

rachbc

I think you are an absolute saint! It would have been hotel for my parents lol.

I think you need to sit down and have a chat about it all - esp how its affecting your relationship with your dd.

Are there practical things that can be done like getting her a tv for her room so dd feels she can spend time in the family space whilst granny is in HER room.

Give her chores to do on the basis that she needs to get back in the swing of doing things for herself to get ready to move out.

And for anyone who's said OP has to put up with it cos her mum changed her nappy - seriously??? Thats what parents do because newborns are hopeless - 82 year old women aren't!

lostinrates

OP, I really feel very sorry for you.

I do think you need to let DD feel like you are on her side, maybe say something gently to your mother in front of her, and tell her while you love your mother, you think she's a good kid. (you Mother probably thinks she's helping). Get the glasses issue sorted: she mustn't drive till it is.

My mother is coming to stay for a few DAYS after an operation, and I'm worried about that, even though I love her. i think you are great to be coping so well after weeks.

Caroline_a

Another one here with sympathy for you! Some old people seem to become very grumpy and critical - my dad was one. You do have to try to give them things to do though, to both make them feel valued and also to prevent total inactivity sat in front of the TV!

Ironing might be a good 'job' - I know I'd love someone to come and do mine! It's also something that could be done in small batches every day.

elaine373

Nicki wrote: »

I am very sorry for your loss but I do think you are misjudging the OP. Based on her post, OP has bent over backwards to look after her mum, she is putting her up for 4 months, AND sorting out her building works for her, and doing everything for her including ferrying her around. It's natural for OP to be finding this tiring and difficult but she hasn't said she wants to stop, is just asking for support to make it easier to bear.

If I were OP's mum, I'd feel very loved and well looked after, and I can't see that OP has anything to reproach herself with on that front.

yes I probably am seeing it in a `bereaved! way .I do understand the pressure the Op person is under but i still know that her mother put up with her for alot longer than 4 months.I am not misjudging the OP or the situation,I just have a different opinion to some.