82 year old mum's moved in (temporarily TG)

olibrofiz

I have no one to talk this over with (whinge), and just need to get it out before I go nuts. On a moneysaving note the insurance co are paying £60pw . But family relations are straining at the seams.

My 82 yr old mum's moved in with us while her house is being repaired and I think I'm rapidly reaching the end of my patience. My fault, but feel guilty and so tired and 'flat'. After my dad died mum started relying on me to sort out her bills, insurances, write her cheques etc, etc. I don't mind, like to help out, but it's all the 'I feel guilty..' stuff :mad:

She's been with us (in a 2 bed cottage) since just before Xmas. My DD (teenager) rarely sits with us in the evening now as my mum criticises her so she stays out of the way, my mum then moans about DD & her friends to me. DD complains about my mum to me. My mum says she doesn't mind my dogs, but they think their names are 'downoffsitgerrawaydown' as she starts saying that as soon as they appear. They now do none of those things :cool:

I'm continually chasing up the repairs to her house, meeting contractors, electricians, packing up her belongings, moving furniture etc because 'you deal with it a lot better than I would' - yes I do as at 82 she can't be dragging beds etc around, but I'm knackered! I'm ferrying her about as she refuses to drive to and from my house which is 4 miles from hers.

Mum said she'd help out in the house to 'earn her keep' - two months later after a couple of loads of washing, a bit of ironing and cooking pasta twice she now sits in front of the tv all day saying 'I feel so guilty that I'm putting on you'. She can't use the washing machine apparently as she doesn't know how I do my washing ???

She looks down her nose at me and says I'm too fussy - hello! Just because I like to have my own towel and not use one that someone else has wiped their bum on, and I like the dish I take my salad to work in not to have yesterdays mayo still stuck to the lid. And the amount of times she's walked dog poo back into the house is going into double figures (I swear, she finds the only one I haven't bagged & binned)

Mum's always saying how guilty she feels that she's living with us and taking up my time, I'm always saying it's not a problem and that I feel guilty that she feels guilty etc, etc. She was feeling ill last night and felt guilty about going to the bathroom in the night, I now feel guilty that she felt guilty that she might wake me up (she didn't). I don't complain btw, just tell her not to be so silly.

I know, I know, she's 82 and I shouldn't expect a lot (I don't) but she didn't retire from work till last year, she's pretty lively. I'm very easy going & tolerant (soft) but it's getting me down. Must confess that when Mum said today that she'd speak to the insurance co about going into a hotel instead I said 'it's up to you mum' rather than the 'don't be silly, it's not a problem you being here'. And I feel guilty about that...

I just live in a constant state of anxiety trying to hold it all together. Any ideas how I can survive another 2 months?

McKneff

Just for a few minutes, swop places in yur head with your mum.

Think about the trauma she has gone through with her house, think about what she is going through in her head not having her independance, think about the fact that she wont be on this earth too much longer.

As to her bringing in dog poo. Think about the times she had to clean it (yours, not the dogs) from your bits when you were a baby.
Got it all in perspective now, go and give her a hug, it will work wonders............

Annie

Nicki

Sorry no ideas to help, but just wanted to say that I too like to do things my own way in my own home, and it would drive me completely bonkers to have anyone staying with me for that length of time, and particularly so if it was my mum!

I think you've done a really nice thing, and also that you've done really well if she's been there since before Christmas and its only now getting under your skin.

Would a few evenings out with your OH without her help to restore your sanity? Or could she go and visit a sibling if you have one for a week or two to give you all some space?

MatyMoo

I really feel for you, having anyone staying in your home for that length of time is difficult - even if it is your much loved Mum.

This paragraph leaped out at me:

olibrofiz wrote: »

She looks down her nose at me and says I'm too fussy - hello! Just because I like to have my own towel and not use one that someone else has wiped their bum on, and I like the dish I take my salad to work in not to have yesterdays mayo still stuck to the lid. And the amount of times she's walked dog poo back into the house is going into double figures (I swear, she finds the only one I haven't bagged & binned)

Is she having problems with her sight? As my Mum got to her age she would miss things when cleaning or washing up that she never would have done before and she would have been mortified if she could see it, but her sight had deteriorated quite badly and she just couldn't see it.

This may also explain the dog poo, not wanting to drive (maybe she has had a fright?) and even possibly using the wrong towel. It could even explain the washing machine.

You are more than half way now, take a deep breath, you can get through this. Maybe go out and visit a friend or plan a weekend away so that you can get some space from each other in the meantime.

olibrofiz

McKneff - thanks for your reply - I do think of my mum, always, and whilst I know that it's all been traumatic, we've gone through similar things before having lost everything in a cyclone in Oz, and living abroad for 18 months every 18 months for about 20 years. I see my mum every day, and speak to her on the phone 2-3 times a day, and take her lots of places anyway.

As regards the dog poo bit, that's a bit of a weird comparison. If you really want to go along that thought, when she came out of hospital 2 years ago I was the person that held the bucket for her as she couldn't get upstairs and was too proud to get a commode... And we do hug, often.

But thanks anyway.

Nicki & Matymoo- there's only me

olibrofiz

Matymoo, Mum does need new glasses, but refuses to get any until the house is sorted. She has no trouble reading the paper etc tho.

Sadly can't plan a weekend away as that will create a whole new issue of guilt as Mum will expect to come too & get antsy if she isn't invited. I did have a bit of a wobbly last week tho where I said I was going to take off for a weekend and leave them all to it

Sigh, maybe this weekend.

ailuro2

Tell her she needs to get new glasses now, as she's going to need them to choose wallpaper etc as her house comes along - better than saying you're fed of her dragging dog poo all over you're carpets.;)

Try and get her out and about during the day - maybe bingo or something like that - tell her it's to stop her getting down about being under your feet, if she's not the bingo type would she be able to help out in a charity shop or something similar?

If she won't go out, then you definitely need to - it's tough seeing someone all the time when you're not used to living with them - as your DD will testify.

Nicki

Does she have a friend she could go and see, even if she was staying in a hotel? I'd be inclined to organise a weekend away anyway, even if she will be upset about this, and just tell her that you and your DD need some time away alone together. If she can find somewhere nice to go herself while you are away, so much the better, otherwise you won't be away for long. If she's prepared to move out and live in a hotel for 2 months, she can't really baulk at 2 days in a hotel while you have a break.

The only other thing to bear in mind is that if she is not pulling her weight around the house, she is losing her independence and she might find it hard to look after herself when she does go back home. I know with my own granny who moved in with my mum at a similar age, that before she moved in she was looking after herself perfectly (only moved in with mum because mum and dad separated and mum needed somewhere to live). After a few months granny couldn't even make a cup of tea for herself, and mum had to ensure she had a carer for her if she wanted to go away for a few days. So you might want to be cruel to be kind, and insist your mum does the basics for herself over the next few months.

NickyBat

i can fully asympathise, i had my MIL living with me and i look back now and sometimes wonder how my marriage survived at times.

as much as i liked her, it was hard going, old people get set in their ways - which aren't necessarily yours!!

As much as you feel you want or should help her out she is in your territory and you are used to your own space and she hers, i do think though that it is harder for you than her as i suspect she is probably quite enjoying the company and the fuss.

If there is nowhere ekse for either of you to go for a bit of time out you will probably just had to bite your tongue for now and maybe get on to the contractors to see if the jobs can be speeded up a bit.

Having said that, if she is alienating your DD, i would be having a quiet, polite word with her !

belfastgirl23

I think you need to start making your mum useful again. Tell her you're feeling overwhelmed by trying to get her renovation done and trying to manage the house. And when you go out in the morning ask her can she put a wash on/do the dishes/empty the dishwasher. Don't get into the way of doing things for her so they're done 'right', you're depriving her of her independence and driving yourself mad in the process.

On the driving thing, is she incapable or refusing? Only you can decide this. But if she still has her own car then you need to start making yourself less available. Maybe DD has things on that you need to do with her Again at this age if she stops driving she won't start again so you need to be careful about this.

And maybe you need to put some cards on the table and say you're finding it stressful that she is critical of your DD. You need to make it clear that it's DD's house too and that your mother needs to respect your rules. Of course if DD is pushing it a bit you need to talk to her as well. In fact maybe the two of them need to have a conversation about what they can and can't tolerate without you being in the middle...

Sometimes there's a tendency to cosset the elderly and it is right that you help with things that she really can't do herself. But if she is basically capable then you need to make sure she continues to be responsible for herself. Otherwise you really are making a rod for your own back here. It might be hard in the short term but longer term both you and your mum will be glad that you held to the line!

As an aside, it is a very human thing to want to avoid responsibilities that are onerous. But it's carrying these responsibilities that keeps us strong and gives us something to focus on. Keep that in mind.

diable

Make the most of it as one day she will be gone. She is your Mother at the end of the day who wiped your ar5e and cared for you.