How do you 'teach' initiative?

KiKi

I wouldn't expect any teenagers (male or female) to iron clothes on initiative. They're teenagers, usually rather self-obsessed, and why on *earth* would they iron clothes when they can see their mates, play on the computer or go out?!

Your son does it when asked - I think that's perfectly acceptable when they're of school age. Initiative has to have a positive motivation or an interest behind it. I can't imagine why any teenager (or older!) would have the interest or motivation to do the ironing without being asked!!

Your son sounds just lovely as he is!

KiKi

Savvy_Sue

how old are we talking?

it partly depends on their innate personality, IMO. I feel I have a fair bit of initiative: if my computer stops working, I'll check all the wires are pushed in properly, all the switches switched on, and I'll do it a couple of times to make sure I didn't miss any. This isn't rocket science, but if a colleague's computer stops working, they just wail "My computer's not working." And they look at me with astonishment and amazement when I walk over, fiddle a wire, and it works again! :rotfl: When the internet connection 'breaks', there are even instructions written on the box of tricks about switching off and switching on again, but even that's too technical for them!

With my boys, I insisted on them doing their own washing once they went into 6th form (I know of one mum who had all her children doing their own laundry once they started secondary school!) and that way, they learned not only how to use the washing machine, but when, ie before all your pants are dirty.

And they realised that if they wanted me to buy things we'd run out of during the week, it helped to tell me what those things were. So they did.

The older two now will go and buy things we've run out of (on the rare occasions when they're home), but the youngest prefers to find an alternative.

puppypants

I have two sons who are as different as chalk and cheese. Eldest son who is a physicist, always seemed to be on another planet and had to be shown how to use the washing machine etc at around 16. Youngest son, less academic but more practical, from the age of about 18months old used to love to help with hoovering etc and from the age of about 10 would put a load of washing on, sorted into whites, coloureds etc, would iron a shirt if he needed it. He even used to bake a cake if he was bored and I was at work.

They are now 34 and 33. 1st son is a wonderful hands-on father to two children and is excellent around the house etc. 2nd son has remained practical and can turn his hand to anything. Don't worry too much, they all get there in the end!!

exup

It also depends on what you think is important and what your other half thinks is important.
My ex was a control freak, and although I was used to doing chores for myself before I met her, it wasn't to her standard (actually nothing in the world was to her whole families standard).
But I there were quite a few things I could do very well but others I never even got the chance.
"Because you don't do it properly"
(actually it was more because I didn't do it the same was as she did)
I did ask that if she would like anything doing when I got back home, that all she needed to do was ask but got a very snappy response
"I SHOULDN'T NEED TO ASK, YOU SHOULD JUST KNOW"
Which is a little harsh coming from someone who opens the curtains before she goes to bed, because she doesn't want the neighbours to think that she slept in past 7 o clock in the morning (even though she may be working the nightshift).

But would she check the oil in her car? tyre pressures etc?? no, she would forget, and when I brought this up one day when she told me that I didn't think things were important enough - I decided I would turn it around and bring up the safety of her car with our kids in, but I still couldn't win
"Well why don't you check it? ?"
as I had a car of my own, and a motorbike I couldn't be expected to check her car all the time so I said
"Its not my car though is it?"
"Yeah BUT ITS MY HOUSE SO F____ OFF"

. . . anyhooo before I get myself annoyed which wasn't my original intent.
If you want to get someone to start to learn to do things themselves - the best way is to ask them,until they get the habit, of course some people are going to huff and snort at the very idea, but getting angry, or worse making snide remarks will probably have the opposite effect - or worse, if they actually start to use their initiative is to be sarcastic.
"OOO well, will wonders never cease - you cleaned the dishes ! !"
They're unlikely to do it again anytime soon.

rozmister

I was a child with initiative.

Some highlights of my initiative were....

• Telling my Mum I was going to a friend's house and sleeping at my boyfriends and getting away with it for months (she doesn't know).
• Having house parties with carefully selected guest lists so it didn't get trashed (she still doesn't know).
• Emptying all the bookshelves in our house and putting all the books in alphabetical order/dewey decimal order (I was 10).
• Saving enough money for a deposit on a house and finding one when I was 16 much to my Mum's dismay.
• Using the housekeeping money when she went on holiday to buy just enough food to keep me alive on a low budget and spending the rest on booze I got my big brother to buy.
• Getting the dog stuck on a trampoline.
• Setting the timer on my tv in my room so I could watch TV at night when it was banned....a million times.
• Travelling to places much further than my Mum allowed by saving my dinner money and telling her I was in town. Then a couple of times getting stuck there and having to be collected.
• Breaking the hoover trying to fix it.
• Driving the ride on lawnmower into a bush.
• Persuading my playgroup friend we should go visit his aunty to see her new baby and managing to walk 3 miles in rural Cornwall before they found us (I was 3/4).

Seriously I could go on all day but the one thing I've never done with my initiative is the ironing. Or tidied my bedroom. I'm 21 and I've lived away from home for 5 1/2 years and I still don't do either of those things til I absolutely have to. My employers really appreciate my initiative though and I get to project manage

mountainofdebt

Some of the replies have really brightened up my morning, so thanks guys and I do know I am lucky to have such a good lad, especially when others on here have such really heart-breaking problems with their offspring.

The reason for asking really is that although he's 18 he can be quite naive and in the next year or so needs to 'man-up' and grow in maturity and I guess I see initiative as being one of those areas where there is room for improvement and will help him achieve what he wants to achieve.

I guess that's partly my fault - OH reckons a good starting point would be for me to stop mothering him so lesson 1 has been for bith of us this week has been for me to stop making sure he's up in time for school / work.....and in fairness he discovered a new feature of his bedside clock - the alarm function .....so perhaps he isn't too much of a lost cause.

KiKi

mountainofdebt wrote: »

The reason for asking really is that although he's 18 he can be quite naive and in the next year or so needs to 'man-up' and grow in maturity and I guess I see initiative as being one of those areas where there is room for improvement and will help him achieve what he wants to achieve.

Some things don't happen until they're forced into it!

This sounds terrible (well, it does now that I'm in my 30s), but when I went to uni at the age of 18 I'd never, ever cooked. I made sandwiches and things, and had baked cakes at school, but I'd never, ever cooked a meal. I had no idea. My parents never encouraged me, or asked me to, and I had no need to learn because my dad cooked everything.

When I went to uni I had to learn pretty quick! I don't like cooking - I still hate it, actually, it gives me no pleasure. But I do take the initiative and cook in large bulk meals as it means less cooking each day for me.

It's amazing what kicks in once things aren't done for you, anymore! I think the danger is really when it affects you working or socialising - ie, when you don't make an effort to get out of bed or see people. That can lead to laziness and sometimes depression. But I wouldn't worry about clothes ironing. He'll soon learn once he has a gf who makes comments on the state of his clothes!

Also, having no initiative on ironing doesn't mean a lack of initiative altogether. He might be very entrepreneurial when it comes to working! It depends what motivates and interests him. I suspect ironing isn't on the list.

KiKi

Sambucus_Nigra

rozmister wrote: »

I was a child with initiative.

Some highlights of my initiative were....

• Telling my Mum I was going to a friend's house and sleeping at my boyfriends and getting away with it for months (she doesn't know).
• Having house parties with carefully selected guest lists so it didn't get trashed (she still doesn't know).
• Emptying all the bookshelves in our house and putting all the books in alphabetical order/dewey decimal order (I was 10).
• Saving enough money for a deposit on a house and finding one when I was 16 much to my Mum's dismay.
• Using the housekeeping money when she went on holiday to buy just enough food to keep me alive on a low budget and spending the rest on booze I got my big brother to buy.
• Getting the dog stuck on a trampoline.
• Setting the timer on my tv in my room so I could watch TV at night when it was banned....a million times.
• Travelling to places much further than my Mum allowed by saving my dinner money and telling her I was in town. Then a couple of times getting stuck there and having to be collected.
• Breaking the hoover trying to fix it.
• Driving the ride on lawnmower into a bush.
• Persuading my playgroup friend we should go visit his aunty to see her new baby and managing to walk 3 miles in rural Cornwall before they found us (I was 3/4).

Seriously I could go on all day but the one thing I've never done with my initiative is the ironing. Or tidied my bedroom. I'm 21 and I've lived away from home for 5 1/2 years and I still don't do either of those things til I absolutely have to. My employers really appreciate my initiative though and I get to project manage

That's nothing - I had a library at 7 and none of my siblings were even allowed to read any books without checking them out with me first.

And I would take everything apart - and I mean everything - from aged 8 onwards; I had a company with my cousin at 12 making distortion pedals for his older friends and I did all the 'making' for these....no wonder I became a Civil Engineer. And I had a Swiss Army knife for my 9th birthday. These days the social services would have been called by now.

Ironing - just do the trousers below the knee; worked for me for most of my adult life. Until I met the OH - now he does it all :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Raksha

Errata wrote: »

Males and dogs need very clear verbal instructions. They only use their initiative when they're doing something they shouldn't be.

Not always, you can train a dog to go to its bed using clicker training - you 'click' and reward the tiniest steps towards the end behaviour, upping the 'ante' each time.

So to 'train' your man to do the ironing, spot him looking at it, and give him a kiss, spot him handling it, give him a big snog, spot him getting the ironing board out - bonk him silly on it........... LOL

What ever you do, if a member of your family does take the initiative on any household task, do NOT criticise their efforts - that put me off housework for 40 years when I was a kid - I could never clean the bathroom to my Mum's standards, so I gave up trying

poet123

rozmister wrote: »

I was a child with initiative.

Some highlights of my initiative were....

• Telling my Mum I was going to a friend's house and sleeping at my boyfriends and getting away with it for months (she doesn't know).
• Having house parties with carefully selected guest lists so it didn't get trashed (she still doesn't know).
• Emptying all the bookshelves in our house and putting all the books in alphabetical order/dewey decimal order (I was 10).
• Saving enough money for a deposit on a house and finding one when I was 16 much to my Mum's dismay.
• Using the housekeeping money when she went on holiday to buy just enough food to keep me alive on a low budget and spending the rest on booze I got my big brother to buy.
• Getting the dog stuck on a trampoline.
• Setting the timer on my tv in my room so I could watch TV at night when it was banned....a million times.
• Travelling to places much further than my Mum allowed by saving my dinner money and telling her I was in town. Then a couple of times getting stuck there and having to be collected.
• Breaking the hoover trying to fix it.
• Driving the ride on lawnmower into a bush.
• Persuading my playgroup friend we should go visit his aunty to see her new baby and managing to walk 3 miles in rural Cornwall before they found us (I was 3/4).

Seriously I could go on all day but the one thing I've never done with my initiative is the ironing. Or tidied my bedroom. I'm 21 and I've lived away from home for 5 1/2 years and I still don't do either of those things til I absolutely have to. My employers really appreciate my initiative though and I get to project manage

Double edged sword then? :rotfl: