Help with advice on my Children and their mother

RAS

frank70 wrote: »

Ras would the fact that DD is now 14 (15 in a few weeks) have no bearing on that? TBH I had always seen her as being old enough to make her own desicions as to whether she stays with me or her mother and her mother has never challenged this.

It would, but you need to get advice on the legal implications of the fact that you do not have PR.

With respect to your ex, sadly people have to hit rock bottom before they get themselves out of the bottle.

Do you have family or friends who could offer supervised access?

And you need to understand that as far as the SS are concerned you have a duty to protect your children from abusive behaviour and neglect by your ex. That includes passing out when in the care of the children and letting your DD take responsibility for DS.

busiscoming2

I know nothing of the legal implications but my observations are such that I believe it would be entirely the wrong thing to allow the children to go back to their mothers to stay. Your DD should not be allowed to feel responsible for the wellbeing of her brother. As has been said, is there a family member or friend who would be willing to accompany the children while they visited mum?

You seem to be a very caring man who hates to see this happening to his ex partner and the effect this is having on your children. I hope you manage to get the support and help you deserve.

gratefulforhelp_2

God Bless your family and how difficult. I would echo the advice that you need advice from a good family law solicitor, not in a combative way, but to look out for the children.

soupdragon10

I think your care and concern both for your children and your ex is commendable. How easy it would be to take a negative stance and see this as a way of 'winning' over your ex.

To be fair to the children I think you need to consider taking legal steps to gain at least temporary custody (or something similar) of them for both their wellbeing and hopefully their mothers. If she realises that she has a problem which has caused the children to live with you then maybe she will get the wakeup call she needs. Her health will suffer if she doesn't address her problem.

I wish you and your family all the very best.

easilydistracted

I hate to come across really blunt about this OP, but when I read your first post I thought that what you were describing certainly warranted involvement from Children and Young People's Services (what social services is called now) and sounded like it could be classed as a child protection issue. Your other posts in the thread make me more convinced that you are talking about a child protection issue.

RAS is right, you are seeing the situation and need to intervene urgently before you are seen as being unprotective. I would get legal advice as soon as you possibly can, I really can not see how you can keep returning your children from contact when your not sure they're going home to a safe situation. What happens to your son if your daughter goes out and mum blacks out? I hope this never happens but your 5 year old would be left at home unsupervised and if there happens to be a concerning incident there will be questioned raised about why you didn't intervene sooner. It sounds like you still have a lot of fond memories of your ex and perhaps you are letting this cloud your judgement?

When the children are with you, which I hope you are able to sort out soon for everyones sake, for any contact to be positive for your son then your ex needs to not be obviously under the influence of alcohol. I would suggest that involves arranging an early contact at the weekend somewhere public and her turning up not under the influence.

Good luck with this difficult situation, for reference I'm a children and families social worker whose main workload is child protection.

london_woman

Hello OP, I agree with others that you probably need to get legal advice.

Regarding your oldest daughter, in families where there is alcoholism, it can often be the case that one or more of the kids ends up feeling responsible for the parent or the other sibling (though feeling responsible for the sibling is to be expected in most families to a certain extent, especially if it's your little brother).

Which can be hard as it's difficult to then take care of your own needs and make your own life. I've read about this but also from personal experience.

I had an alcoholic father, my eldest sister looked after us all, as my mother was so busy trying to look after him (he was violent mind you) she couldn't look after us. By the time my sister left home my dad had died, but by that point my mother was pretty depressed, couldn't look after me and my younger brother so I always felt responsible for him. My mother used to threaten me by saying social services were going to put him in care as he ran away. Which was my worst nightmare as I thought I'd be left alone with my mum and by that stage things were really miserable! I'm hoping that was my mother making up stories and if you did speak to social services they could advise you now, I was just in fear of it all (someone else more knowledgeable like the poster above who works there may know).

And I never felt normal as a kid, I thought everyone else had perfect families, of course now I now that's not true but it's a common trait if you grow up in that environment. It's only now that I'm approaching middle age that I've been able to stop feeling so guilty for everything and wanting to take care of others.

I don't want to sound all doom and gloom, as some of the extenuating circumstances in my family were extreme, and considering our upbringing we've all done fairly well. Plus, you sound like a really caring father, unfortunately neither of my parents could parent very well (though I am now very close to my mother).

Get all the help you can, and I'm pretty sure Al Anon also have a teen version where kids can go to. Your daughter may be able to talk about her guilt and anything she struggles with along with other children going through it (as well as having you).

I'm hoping this doesn't come across as preaching, apologies if it does. Just wanted to share what it had been like for me. I wish I'd had a parent like you, as well as other support networks growing up.

Good luck with it all.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

If she's an alcoholic, then keep the kids, see a solicitor and get things sorted out properly.

If she wants to see them badly enough, she will see her GP, get herself a place on a detox ward, go through rehab and stay sober.

If she wants the drink more than the kids, then she will lie, scream, wail, cry, everything, accuse you of making her drink by taking the kids to a safe place, anything and everything you can think of, just to justify drinking herself into oblivion yet again.

They probably do miss their mum. But sending them back there won't give them their mum back, it'll give them a drunken imbecile that looks a bit like how they remembered their mum, and even that won't last as she'll become unrecognisable.

I usually believe that kids should be with their mothers, but unless you were violent to her or a junkie yourself, I have no qualms about saying that they are clearly better off with you. And as the court will take a five year old's feelings into account, there is no way they will ignore a 14/5 year old's opinion. they will also give you Joint Parental Responsibility for her at the same time.

I would reccomend you see the GP to get your kids some help through Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services as well as contacting their schools for extra support.


Custody battles are never nice, but you know you need to do this or they will be more damaged by staying with her.

Pixiechic

Hi,

Some great advice on here, like keeping a diary and speaking to the school/s, legal advice. You sound like a great Dad and I think that you have most definately done the right thing by taking them to yours. Even your ex wifes neighbours have expressed concern about your childrens welfare with their Mum.
It seems that you are able to offer a healthy stable environment which your ex wife sadly seems unable to provide at the moment. I think that you have acted appropriately.

NickyBat

Have you thought about talking to her about it one day whilst the children are a school.
Maybe offer your help in sorting her problem out, in as much as going with her to the GP etc

frank70

Thanks for all your replies and advice. I am meeting my ex at 2pm this afternoon at hers and if she is sober I have said she can come with me to pick up DS from school and come for tea at my house. I have a meeting with DSs headmaster this lunchtime to have a general discussion about the childrens mother - the headmaster also knows my DD as she went to the same school and he has always asked how she is doing.
It's just a total mess really - I want my children to have their mother back but I can't see that happening anytime soon. My sister also has children at ds 's school and has offered to help out with picking up DS around work etc.
I am going to look into getting legal advice - I have no recommendations and no idea where to start though.
Perhaps my jusgement is clouded as I do remember my ex fondly - we had been together for 18 years - but at the moment she is not the girl I fell in love with and I accepted that the kids may never get that woman back.

DD remembers the good times but DS may never get that from his mum.

My resolve in keeping them with me is strengthned though.

I'll just have to see how this afternoon goes.
Thank again everyone