Help with advice on my Children and their mother

frank70

I have read these forums for years now but have never really posted. I have been reading this specific one for a few months and the wealth of opinions and help for others on here quite is great.
My problem is as follows:
I have 2 children DD 14yo and DS 5yo and I split with their mother 2 years ago. DD is very 'grown up' and dealt with it well she could see me and her mother were unhappy and DS seems to have dealt fine with it also. Theie mother is an alcoholic I have known this for about a year now as she was very good at hiding it. However despite this she was a good mother and looked after the children well. DD comes to stay with me when she likes really as out 2 houses are close together so it generally depends on what she is doing with her friends but usually she stays 2/4 nights a week. I have DS on Monday and wednesday nights and Friday nights/Saturday day. Lately I have been worried about the kids, DD who has always had a difficult relationship with her mother keeps calling me in tears saying her mother has told her she wishes she'd aborted her and had been intimidating her, sending her to bed at 8pm which isn't appropriate for a girl who is nearly 15, DD always calls to ask I come and pick her up as she need to get away. She does always go back to her mothers and sometimes they get on well. However I have noticed lately that she has only sytarted coming round to mine on the nights I have DS and mentioned that she hadn't gone to school recently as her mother wouldn't get out of bed to take DS to school so she had taken him and then wouldn't give her money for her bus fare to school. I have been told by family members that this isn't the first time it has happened and apparently her mother will just write her a sick note when they are speaking again the next day.
My ex lives on a cul-de-sac and there are a few kids DS's age and they usually play in one or other of the parents gardens together. I went round to pick DS up on a last Sunday (4pm)- pre-arranged as my ex had to be somewhere early on Monday morning. DS was playing in the garden of a child in the street and his mother came out and called me over. She said that she was worried because my ex had asked if she could 'keep an eye' on DS whilst she nipped to the shops (less than 5 minute walk) and had not come back this was at 12pm. She also said it was not the first time it had happened. There have been little incidents for a while - the aggressive behaviour towards DD, being drunk when I come to pick up DS and this was just the straw that broke the camels back.
I was so angry I got DD to pack her bag and I put some stuff together for DS and I have kept them both at mine since.

I am now unsure if I have overreacted or what I should do next. DS cries that he misses his mum (understandabley) and DD feels sorry for her mum and keeps saying she'll look out for DS if I took him back to the mothers. I just don't know what to do for the best. The mother has been on the phone saying that if I don't bring DS back she'll call the police. There is no court order in place, we were never married although I am on both birth certificates.

Any help please?

Hobo17

Regarding your daughter, the police would listen to her wishes as to where she wanted to stay - she is 14 and they would consider her competent to make her own decision - well, assuming she wasn't at risk from her mother's issues. Regarding your son i would guess that some sort of social services intervention or investigation might take place to see where he is best off staying.

Have you spoken to your ex about her drinking, has she given you any indication that she is going to address this? has she visited the kids since they have been at yours, or can they call her? Are you able to have a sensible discussion with her, or is the relationship too strained for that?

DVardysShadow

Your daughter is a real star for taking her brother to school. I think you need to diary when you have them, because if school attendance becomes an issue, it could all too easily be turned on you. This is not so that the blame gets passed to their mother, but so that you are not disqualified from custody. You'll probably get loads of ideas for handling the situation - if you don't have a diary in place yet, just consider the implications of not having one for all of the ideas...

RAS

Given your DDS age, do you have parental responsibility for DD?

frank70

We have discussed it, it varies with my ex sometimes we can talk sensibly and sometimes we can't. Her drinking, which I had originally thought was excessive rather than indicative of a drinking problem, is an issue as she won't admit there is a problem she merely says she 'enjoys a drink' DD wants to stay with me but doesn't want to leave her brother and feels so sad for her mother. DD has been round to see her and said she was drunk DD poured her vodka down the sink which resluted in a massive arguement and DD coming back in tears. DS has spoken to his mother every night on the phone.
It is just so sad, she is an intellegant beautiful woman and she is destroying herself. She loves her kids but turns into a selfish monster when shes drinking.
She scared DD a few times when she seems to have 'blacked out' DD says she walked into her mothers room a few weeks ago to say she was going out and that DS was downstairs watching TV alone. and her mother said "Oh that's a nice coat, is it new? " it freaked DD out a little because it was a coat she had had for over a year and wears all the time.

frank70

RAS - sorry I don't really understand the law - why wouldn't I have parental resposibility?

RAS

frank70 wrote: »

RAS - sorry I don't really understand the law - why wouldn't I have parental resposibility?

AnotherDad wrote: »

Yup i`m the father on both certificates, she has thrown it at me that because it was done before Dec 2003 (August 2003) i don`t have PR for my eldest. That hurts alot to be threatened with that, especially as it`s so early into the separation and the kids need us to both give them all the time we have.

In this case, the father had since married the mother, and therefore had now got PR, despite his wife's taunts.

If your ex died tomorrow, you would not be fully recognised in the courts as being DDs father. This could also complicate any related court case regarding residency.

The situation regarding DS is fine.

barbiedoll

To be honest, it doesn't sound as though your ex is providing a suitable home environment for your DS, as he is so young he could be in danger if his mother is drinking heavily. It's not fair for your DD to have to shoulder the responsibility for looking after him, she has her school work to consider, plus she will soon want a social life of her own. If she is scared to go out and leave her brother because her mum is drunk, what sort of life will she end up having? Also, your children will grow up thinking that drinking heavily is normal behaviour, they shouldn't have to witness their mum "blacking out" or shouting and screaming because she is drunk.

You should probably see a solicitor to at least get parental responsibility written up in black and white. If social workers end up getting involved, your ex may end up making allegations about you or denying that you are the children's father, which could lead to all sorts of problems later on.
Are you able to care for them full-time? Could you not keep them and take them to see their mum for supervised visits? (For DS at least, it sounds as though DD is capable of making up her own mind when she wants to see mum)
Does your ex have any family who you can speak to? Unfortunately, no-one can make her seek help, she has to do that herself. It may be worth you contacting one of the organisations who help families to deal with alcoholism, there is a link to Al-Anon here..
http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

I don't know what else we can say to help you, your children's welfare must come first but you will need professional help with the legal implications. I do feel for you, I have a friend who is an alcoholic, it is heartbreaking to see someone drink their life away, not to mention the effect on the children. I hope you can find a way to deal with this, do let us know how you get on.

frank70

Ras would the fact that DD is now 14 (15 in a few weeks) have no bearing on that? TBH I had always seen her as being old enough to make her own desicions as to whether she stays with me or her mother and her mother has never challenged this.

DD is a diamond in looking after DS at the moment she's massively protective of him and they are very close - me and her mother have always joked that she was born 40 as she is so grown up and responsible which may not be right for a girl her age and she has probably done a lot of growing up over the last few years but it has always seemed to be her personality. She was an only child til she was 9 so is very independant.
I am hopefully going to see a solicitor next week. I am a self employed plumber so I can manage my hours so I could look after DS full time. I have been considering letting my ex come over to see DS the thing is I can only hope that she isn't 'too' drunk at the moment rather than say she has to be totally clean as she seems to be past the stage of being ever completely sober. Is this acceptable? I have no idea, DS just misses his mum he doesn't care why? Also, not having DS seems to be making her worse - almost like she has nothing to live for. It's so sad to see my childrens mother reduced to this she was always so vivacious. A family member says he saw her walking to the local shops with no shoes and socks on in the freezing cold

Plans_all_plans

Would going into your son's school to speak to the teacher about his general attendance/appearance/their perception of his wellbeing be an option? You don't have to tell them the ins and outs of why you're asking, just a general conversation.

If the teachers/neighbours and yourself have real concerns then I think a phone call to social services might be in order to see if they can offer the mother some support and advice in the first instance.

Do you get on well with her extended family? Could you broach this issue with them?

Mojisola

barbiedoll wrote: »

To be honest, it doesn't sound as though your ex is providing a suitable home environment for your DS, as he is so young he could be in danger if his mother is drinking heavily. It's not fair for your DD to have to shoulder the responsibility for looking after him, she has her school work to consider, plus she will soon want a social life of her own. If she is scared to go out and leave her brother because her mum is drunk, what sort of life will she end up having? Also, your children will grow up thinking that drinking heavily is normal behaviour, they shouldn't have to witness their mum "blacking out" or shouting and screaming because she is drunk.

Have a read of this thread - https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3037846