Help! I'm being smothered!

GlasweJen

nzmegs wrote: »

it sounds as tho your mum has spent her life looking after you because of your medical issues and is finding it hard to let go.

She has always babied me a bit even though I'm the middle child with 2 younger siblings but she has never been this bad before. It drives me mad because I'm very independant and I'd rather rely on gadgets than people because I expect everyone around me to have a life.My youngest sister still lives at home (she's in college) and mum is like this with her as well. She tries to play us off against each other too but we cottoned onto it and now we try not to let her do it. Little sister is talking about going to uni in Edinburgh or Aberdeen to get away from mum but mum keeps going on about her being terrible with money (which she is but so is mum).

I start a new job next week on the other side of Glasgow (near where we're planning to live) and the move will be happening in the next 6 weeks if all goes to plan.

Humphrey10

Your mother sounds scarily controlling. It is none of her business who you are socialising with, or even who you are sleeping with. If I was in that situation, I'd stop telling her anything about what I was doing, and just say 'I'm going out now, I will be back sometime this evening, I don't know exactly when'. If she gives you errands, just say no unless you are going near the shop. And don't let her tag along when you go out. Put your foot down.

She needs to get used to the idea that all her children will be gone from the house one day. Might this be the problem? You are moving out soon, and your younger sister is going to uni, so you will all be gone soon, maybe she is scared of this.

GlasweJen

Possibly she's scared of an empty nest. She now doesn't approve of my flatmates (who i know really well as we went through school together).

I can barely socialise never mind sleep with someone at the moment. I think she is so fixated on what might have been with ex (from a nice family with money, he was a trainee lawyer, very sweet, got on well with mum etc) and she wont see that I'd be happy with someone who didn't sleep with my friends! The person I'm seeing now (or not seeing, that's the problem) is a teacher which mum seems to think makes him a !!!!! (he teaches primary), she doesn't think teachers make enough money (i have a career too), she thinks his head is in the clouds because he likes writing and she just doesn't like him (she's never met him).

I can't have friends over either, had my friend who i'm moving in with over for pizza and to look at flats a few weeks back and she went bananas even though she knows him and his family reasonably well through school things that we did.

DVardysShadow

You've gotta laugh. Seriously, it's the advice.

gonzo127

as ever if you cant talk to her - either because it will get heated or that she will just not listen, write a letter, dont be agressive with it and try to show your understanding about how she might feel, but also explain how the situation is making you feel,

leave it somewhere she will notice it just before you head out for the day so it gives her some time to process the information so when you get back hopefully you might be able to have a reasoned talk about it all

euronorris

Perhaps, after talking to her again (or writing a letter as also suggested), you could suggest some activities for you to do together as Mother and Daughter. That way, if she is worried about being lonely or forgotten about, she should feel reassured that you are making the effort to spend some time with her, rather than her forcing herself into your activities.

Other than that, you have to be calm, assertive and clear that your life is your own, as are your choices and whilst you don't expect her to agree with all of your choices, you do expect her to respect them. I would also recommend not letting things escalate into an argument. If she starts to become aggressive or unreasonable during discussions, just say that you think it's best you both take some time to calm down and think things over, and then leave the room/house (whichever option is available at the time).

WeBeBroke

Sounds like your mum is going through a bit of a hard time personally to be honest. These problems could be manifesting itself in her overprotection of you and your sister. I only skimmed through the thread but I didn't see you mention your father at all - is he still around?

Is your mum menopausal? Sometimes the depression/hormonal imbalance can come out this way, panic that all that was stable and normal in her life is slipping away out of her control etc. She was used to looking after your sister and worrying about your health. However, now that your sister is growing up and you're more independent and about to leave she's panicking. Also, your ex was probably a safety net for her and she felt secure in the knowledge he would look after you in her absence.

Empty nest syndrome can be a powerful thing - for some it may be a relief to have all offspring settled and they can get busy with hobbies/nagging children for grandchildren - but for others it means they are now feeling 'redundant' with no role to play in their children's lives. Especially if they have given up their job to devote themselves to raising children and now have no focus.

I believe it's all down to your mother loving you very much, worrying about you too much and unable to let go. She hasn't moved from the mother/child relationship to seeing you both as adult equals.
As much as it's hard for you, if at all possible don't fall out with her and try (calmly) to get her to see your point of view. You are an adult, you'd like to be more independent but at the same time you need your mum's support, love and friendship. If you can convince her you're not deserting her and you'd still love to spend time with her, then hopefully you're partway there.

Best of luck

WBB

brians_daughter

TBH i would talk to her and tell her how shes behaving isnt really acceptable.

I would also call her bluff and tell her if things continue you will be forced to move into unsuitable accomadation alone for the sake of your relationship. Explain that you want to spend more time with mum and you doing mum and daughter things but you feel you cant do this as you are slowly feeling smothered by her actions.

Try and be gentle about it initially and expalin certian expamples to her and get her to reflect as to why she acts this way. I would also explain that although you are sad your relationship with the ex broke down you could never forgive him and you need to move on at a pace that is suited to you, not her....just try and stay calm and not argue. Not great advice, but HTH a little?

Lara44

I think moving out is the best long term plan. My Mum is a bit of a control freak and we get on so much better now that we don't live together. Although it may seem that you are hurting your Mum by moving out, it might well rejuvenate your relationship and enable you to share some happy and carefree times in the future.

In the shorter term I would definitely take the advice about laughing!! Know that it's not your issue or your fault but just something that your Mum is going through. I chose to make a stand on things that were very important to me that my Mum did not approve of. I just thanked her for her opinion but reasserted that my decision was the right one for me. After a few times she accepted it, and it actually seemed to improve things. Emotional blackmail is the hardest thing to deal with and is something that can be hurtful. I try to remember that love is at the root of all this behaviour although sometimes I can't help but just feel sad. I know there will always be some trial or tribulation to go through HTH

balletshoes

GlasweJen wrote: »

I am in the process of looking for a flat with 2 friends from school but finding an HMO at this time of year is tough (the friends come as a package or not at all). Problem with that is my mum is livid at the idea of me leaving home, keeps swinging from threatening to kick me out to reporting me to SS/calling the police if I do leave (i have disabilities, mum seems to think that makes me a perpetual child).

She keeps going on about not being able to afford me moving out and how I wont cope myself but I did for several years and she knows it.

I'll be honest, your mum sounds like she is being very unreasonable, and I don't know if theres anything you could do or say while you're living under her roof that would make things any easier for either of you.
I moved back home as an adult for a couple of years, but I had my car, my source of freedom, and it really was a lifesaver (and I got on with my mum and never felt like she interfered or had unreasonable expectations of me while I was back living with her).

Keep looking for that flatshare, and count to ten a lot, while still doing your own thing .