Help! I'm being smothered!

GlasweJen

I have some problems with my mum - she's smothering the life out of me.

Background: I lived at home until I went to uni at 18 years old. Finished my degree and had to move home because I couldn't get a graduate job and my work couldn't offer me enough hours for me to afford to live in Edinburgh.

When I moved back I had a long term boyfriend who I'd been dating since school, we broke up (very messy) in July 2010 when I found out he'd been cheating for roughly 8 months with one of my "friends". Mum got on well with my ex and she was really bitter about the break up, comes out with things like "he betrayed me too" and stuff like that.

So anyway, not long after we broke up I got back in touch with an old friend who I used to really fancy but as a teenager I never plucked up the courage to do anything about it at the time. I got the vibe that he likes me too and I'd like to see where it goes but my mum is being completely unreasonable!

I work 4 days one week, 6 days the next plus I do over time, take tap classes and I used to go out with friends a lot but since I split up with ex mum has been getting more and more neurotic about where I am and who I'm with. An example is I went to visit my old flatmates in Edinburgh, I'd planned it a few days in advance and I told mum where I was going and who I'd be there with. Afterwards both of my flatmates posted comments on facebook along the lines of "had a lovely time with glaswejen, was great to catch up and can't wait for the next time", that was in November. My mum is convinced that I'm lying and I was really with a mystery man who I'm hiding from her. She's also accused me of not really taking tap lessons because I'm home late some nights from the group but I have to wait half an hour for a bus and if it doesn't turn up it's another hour for the bus behind it.

When I came out and told mum that I was going to meet the guy I liked she hit the roof and said i'm a !!!!! - we're only friends meeting for coffee! Ever since she's made a huge fuss of me being out anywhere if my sister isn't with me, if we're going into town she'll invite herself along or give us errands to do to make sure that's where we've been. She's also self employed and makes sure that she's always in the house on my days off or pops in at random.

I'd really like to spend more time getting to know this friend who I lost touch with for 3 years so it's a lot of catching up and a starbucks once a month (if we're lucky) isn't really cutting it. I know he's getting frustrated too but I really can't do much without my mum going off the wall at me.

Does anyone have any advice on how to tackle her? It's at the stage where I can't move but she's accusing me of all sorts and I know her issue is that she expects me to chase after my ex forever as she has some major ex issues of her own.

nearlyrich

Probably the best idea is to move out if you can maybe a house share?

I have two early 20's "children" one has moved away and the other is buying a house any minute just waiting for the solicitors, not that I wanted ridof them but I think it's good that they are able to make their own wayin life. I can't imagine why your mum is behavijng so strangely...

GlasweJen

I am in the process of looking for a flat with 2 friends from school but finding an HMO at this time of year is tough (the friends come as a package or not at all). Problem with that is my mum is livid at the idea of me leaving home, keeps swinging from threatening to kick me out to reporting me to SS/calling the police if I do leave (i have disabilities, mum seems to think that makes me a perpetual child).

She keeps going on about not being able to afford me moving out and how I wont cope myself but I did for several years and she knows it.

Savvy_Sue

call her bluff?

*max*

Oh god...why are you even asking? Do what you bleeding well want to do! You're not a child anymore, why do you care what your mum thinks about it? Assuming you're showing respect towards her and her "house rules", ie: don't come back at 3am and make a racket in the house type thing, I fail to see what's stopping you from living your life how you like it.
You're an adult!
If she's being so unreasonable and controlling, just move out. Don't let her dictate your life!

GlasweJen

It's not a case of just moving out, anywhere I live would need to be adapted first which takes time. Also I need to live with people who are ok with their flatmate losing conciousness and getting blood everywhere and are able to help me when my brain's shut down and i'm half out of it.

I want to move out and away from her, i'm looking for interim advice.

[Deleted User]

Hi,

GlasweJen, like the moniker, nice.

Were you living with the boyfriend when you were across in Edinburgh, if so then I think your mother should give you a bit more freedom, you sound mature enough to know what you are doing.

*max*

GlasweJen wrote: »

It's not a case of just moving out, anywhere I live would need to be adapted first which takes time. Also I need to live with people who are ok with their flatmate losing conciousness and getting blood everywhere and are able to help me when my brain's shut down and i'm half out of it.

I want to move out and away from her, i'm looking for interim advice.

I'm sorry, I wasn't aware you had particular needs. I don't know what to advise the for the meantime, because she seems completely unreasonable so a chat, I guess, would be quite useless. I'm sure others will have much better advice than I could offer! I wish you all the best.

GlasweJen

No when I was in Edinburgh I lived in halls, then with 2 flatmates and then a different set of 2 flatmates. The ex did stay over a few nights at some point but he went to uni in glasgow so it wasn't practical for us to be living together.

Souk08

Poor you Jen, she sounds awful.

I think you need to sit her down and tell her how you feel. Be gentle at first, tell her you know she worries about you but that you have coped away from home before and will again and that you are an adult now and that means you get to make choices that she may not like, and that's okay but that you're still going to make them. Tell her that you know that she was upset about you and the ex and that it hurt you too but that you can't dwell on it forever and will now be seeing how it goes with this other friend and be going out with friends again. Make it clear that this is not you asking her, but telling her what you will be doing. If she asks to come out with you, say 'No thanks' I've got some bits I want to do myself today' and stick to it.

She's obviously worried about you but needs to see that you are an adult and she can't protect you forever. X

nzmegs

it sounds as tho your mum has spent her life looking after you because of your medical issues and is finding it hard to let go. She may be feeling a few things: that you are ungrateful and don't understand the sacrifices she made to look after you. Or maybe that she will be left alone and might feel lonely. Or perhaps she is simply jealous that you have a life of your own and hers revolves around you and your needs.

I am sure that in the back of her mind she knows she is being irrational so you need to show her that it is causing you problems.Reassure her that you will always be there for her and encourage her to get out of the house sometimes too. I am sure there is a middle ground you can achieve until you are able to move.