Please help - Now her 'incapactity benefits' have stopped she wants me to pay!

clearingout

FBaby wrote: »

You need to open your eyes to the reality, that is that you are putting your youngest children above your eldest. It won't be long until she realises this and if your wife can't see that what you are doing is very wrong, she is a very selfish person.

Sadly, it is my experience that new partners consider themselves, their children from any previous relationship and children from the new relationship as far more important than any child their partner may have fathered (or indeed, mothered!) in the past. Why anyone, mother or father, would want to be with an adult who deliberately shirks their responsiblities towards their children (any of them) is beyond me. Shoot me down dead, please, if you ever see me moaning about a new partner's ex on this forum!!!!

kelloggs36

Absolutely spot on Clearingout! The amount of times I have heard an NRP complaining that they can't afford to bring up their new family as they have to pay child support for their old one never ceases to amaze me. Children are for life - they don't stop need feeding, clothing, housing etc just because you have split up from the other parent - they are BOTH parents' responsibility - for ever. If you choose to have a new family, then great - good for you, but you HAVE to factor in your existing children before deciding if you can actually afford it. Having children isn't a right, it is a choice, and one which needs very careful consideration. You may have issues with the PWC, but don't confuse that with your moral and legal responsibility to support YOUR child.

PlayingHardball

Do you know...it just blows my mind how some NRPs really and truly believe there could be any good reason for not supporting a child, as in OP's case. I simply can't fathom this. Do you think they really believe this is okay? Please can the OP come back onto the thread and tell us one good reason he can't realistically support his 14 year old daughter.

As for the new partners of these 'parents', the 'supportive' NRPP's, I agree with Clearingout - why would you even want to be with someone who is scum enough to have such low regard for his own flesh and blood, the innocent children as to feel it okay to not pay for them??

My daughter has experienced just this (total abandonment due to her 'dad' having a 'lovely' new family).... and as a result she won't have anything more to do with this 'sperm donor' (once known as 'dad'). His loss (although a recent email to her states it is 'her loss-charming man eh)

I really want my daughter to have the last say - part of the reason for not giving up in my quest for child support justice and what is rightfully hers, financial support. With or without the NRP's compliance.

ohdamnit

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

Not annoyed, just don't agree.;)

haha fair enough

ohdamnit

clearingout wrote: »

Sadly, it is my experience that new partners consider themselves, their children from any previous relationship and children from the new relationship as far more important than any child their partner may have fathered (or indeed, mothered!) in the past. Why anyone, mother or father, would want to be with an adult who deliberately shirks their responsiblities towards their children (any of them) is beyond me. Shoot me down dead, please, if you ever see me moaning about a new partner's ex on this forum!!!!

Unfortunately there are bad people in all groups. my partner is extremely supportive, possibly too nice at times

clearingout

ohdamnit wrote: »

Unfortunately there are bad people in all groups. my partner is extremely supportive, possibly too nice at times

I know !!!!!

I think there is a survival instinct that kicks in and some people don't have the ability to see past their end of their noses when that happens. It is natural/normal, I guess, to want to protect what you see as your own above everything else which perhaps explains some of the NRPP's actions (and I use the term NRPP generally - not exclusively to tar all with the same brush....:rotfl:) But why some NRPs go along with that is beyond me. Easy life? Hatred of an ex for things not turning out the way that they expected? Learnt behaviour? The fact that society expects NRPs to behave badly and sets up the CSA to punish them? Who knows? But as a PWC on the receiving end of it, with a 4 child who sobbed himself to sleep tonight because daddy yet again hasn't bothered to call them (used to call every night, hasn't called now in 6 weeks), it pretty much sucks, that I can tell you. :(:(:(

PlayingHardball

clearingout wrote: »

I know !!!!!

But as a PWC on the receiving end of it, with a 4 child who sobbed himself to sleep tonight because daddy yet again hasn't bothered to call them (used to call every night, hasn't called now in 6 weeks), it pretty much sucks, that I can tell you. :(:(:(

That is just so sad! Poor thing. You have my sympathies because I know just what your son is going through and how much it hurts him as I've seen it in my daughter. But more then anything you have my admiration for being a good Mum and helping him through it, its not at all easy to know whats best to do to help ease their hurt. I hope that makes sense.

ohdamnit

Sad to hear that from both of you, the only thing you can do is support them and give them everything you can. I would suggest you don't ever slate the other parent ( I am sure you won't), as this will only backfire/hurt them, let them work out for themselves the problem, and hopefully at some point they will communicate that to the NRP, that will hurt more coming from their own child.

My new partner and I spend time with my daughter together and independently, we see it as important that not only does my lo receive my love and time, but that she's my partner as important too, spending time playing/drawing/cooking with her separately.

FBaby

PlayingHardball wrote: »

Do you know...it just blows my mind how some NRPs really and truly believe there could be any good reason for not supporting a child, as in OP's case. I simply can't fathom this. Do you think they really believe this is okay?

In my case, it is because I am better off financially then they are. I have worked hard to get where I am, always worked full-time, even when my children were babies and I separated. It was hell for some years, but it has paid off financially. Still, I fall in that category where I am not entitled to any help, pay high taxes, so in the end, I am not that much better off than those who earn average but still get many benefits. I believe my ex and his partner consider that because I drive a decent car, have moved to a pleasant house with my new partner, and we can afford to be members of a health club, we don't need the money when they are struggling financially (she doesn't work and never has).

I have never asked for the full 20% the csa states, but I consider that it is fair my ex should contributes something reasonable towards his children. I do not have extra pounds to put aside at the end of the month, I rarely treat myself because all my disposable income goes to the kids, but there seem to be some jealousy on their part and they considers that I have enough when they don't and so they shouldn't have to contribute anything.

Soubrette

PlayingHardball wrote: »

Do you know...it just blows my mind how some NRPs really and truly believe there could be any good reason for not supporting a child, as in OP's case. I simply can't fathom this. Do you think they really believe this is okay?.

They persuade themselves it's ok for a variety of reasons - the PWC spends not one penny of their money on the kid (assuming their money is spent on the fags, booze and hols but some other money is spent on the children by the PWC), the PWC has married a rich partner so the household don't need the money, after all the NRPs expenditures there just isn't enough for child maintenance (even though that expenditure may involve fags, booze or hols), there is a minimum subsistence level that children can be brought up on, the state gives benefits to provide this and if the PWC chooses anything extra then that's their decision and shouldn't be funded by the NRP, the NRP does want to spend money on the children but only during their time because that's fair, the PWC can spend their own money in their own time, and I'm sure lots more self justifications that makes the NRP still feel they are being reasonable.

In the interests of fairness, PWCs do exactly the same when they justify not allowing access to the NRP because they, themselves, don't like the NRP.

Nobody thinks they're a scumbag even when they are doing scummy things (and in fairness no one could be as scummy and unremittingly evil as some exs are portrayed on here, we're all a mixture of good and bad to a greater or less extent).