Please help - Now her 'incapactity benefits' have stopped she wants me to pay!

nickdj

I have just had a call from my ex-partner who I had my first child with 13 years ago. She's now asking for money because she has broken up with her partner and the incapacity benefit she got for herself and my daughter has stopped. To be honest I never agreed with getting benefits for being diabetic!

Anyway, quick history so you get the idea:

1998 daughter born.

2001 unmarried and moved out. Was not allowed to see my daugher and maybe got an hour once a month.

2002 agreed to pay £35 per week cash in hand and got harrassed at work when she wanted to be paid.

2006 Big arguement about not being allowed to see my daughter. Stopped paying 'cash in hand' which she agreed and stopped trying the softly softly approach.

2007 Took her to court for parental responsibility and access which she used every trick in the book to prevent access. Got parental control (to speak to doctors) but no access without good reason!

2008 After she broke up with her husband and she found a new partner getting every other weekend with my daughter was easy. She couldn't wait to get her out the way.

2009 She had another child with new partner and I had two children with my wife.

2010 Lost job and now get minimal money. Weekly pay of £215 (take home) with weekly household bills of £300+ (excluding food etc)

10 minutes ago. Wants me to start paying after all this time and I just don't have the money. I am running at a deficit until I find a better job.

I have advised that I'm not messing about any more and it's CSA or nothing. Question is...

1) Can she break out of an agreement we made that I don't pay her because I simply cannot reasonably afford it now?

2) Given that I cannot pay some creditors and struggling to meet priority expenses can the CSA force payment?

3) By forcing me to make payments will certainly make us bankrupt and we will lose the house and be homeless (with children). Surely if the CSA have got the welfare of children in mind they should take into account the other two children who will be effected by this?

It's very one sided and it's almost better to be unemployed and on benefits than trying to work 12 hours a day and the wife (god bless her) working 10pm - 2am (16 hours) for less than £100.

Another question... you don't have to pay anything if you or your partner get income support. If she dropped an hour she could apply and then we wouldn't have to pay surely???

I question if it's better she doesn't work.

I really need your help in how we can get by and get the benefits we obviously need. Thanks.

AnxiousMum

While I in no way condone the ex not letting you see your child all those years, child support is not 'pay per view'. But having said that, maybe as you went to court for access and didn't get it awarded - sometimes, just sometimes - there is a valid reason why acccess won't be granted. But, bottom line - it's not pay per view. It takes the financial resources of both parents to raise a child.

So you haven't paid child support in three years - is that correct? And now she is in financial need and requesting child support from you - you don't think this is fair? And, in fact, you would be prepared to have your wife drop one hour per week in order to get out of paying child support of any kind?

In order to provide for ALL of your children - maybe you could renegotiate payments with your creditors? Maybe you can offer them a token payment each month until you find the better job?

ALL of your children deserve to be provided for - the two you have now with your wife, as well as the one from a previous relationship. Yes, there is probably some way you can get out of providing for her, but I'm loathe to advise or recommend the financial abandonment of any child

nannytone_2

ask your daughter if she's happy to go without the necessesities as you dont think it's fair you should have to pay now.

nickdj

Thanks for your reply.

There was no reason why I shouldn't have got access. I had actually been able to have her for some weekends until we had an arguement and she decided that she didn't want to allow me access. There was no valid reason other than she made it our that my daughter didn't want to see me. The fact of the matter was that she did but she couldn't say that to her mother. Her husband (who she broke up with at the same time as we went to court) was on my side that she was being unreasonable and making up lies.... but that's another story and it would break your heart if I told you in full.

Back to the issue, I cannot afford to pay my creditors. I have already contacted all of them (paying the token gesture) and I run at a deficit with just household bills. It's actually my wifes benefits that pay for food and some of the bills. I have £5 a week to spend on food at work and that it my limit.

As regards to providing for my children I am able to do this to my best ability. My daughter who is now 13 stays from Friday to Sunday every other weekend and sometimes more. I provide as much as I can but I do not get any benefits for her as she is not classed as a dependant.

The problem is that by attempting to force even £5 a week I will then not be able to afford to pay out to pick her up and drop her off or have her stay over. It's more likely to make it impossible for me to see her again.

I want to provide for all my children but the current financial situation will not burden extra payments going to my ex. I don't think it's right to pay not because I don't want to help but because it will not benefit either family. By getting income support I think we would actually be better off. After all, what I pay my ex only gets deducted from her benefits anyway.

AnxiousMum

No, child support no longer gets deducted from any benefits - so it does ALL go to providing for your child.

The benefits that you and your wife receive now are not just her benefits, they are your 'family' benefits - ie, child benefit, child tax credit, working tax credits, housing benefit, council tax benefit - they are all family related benefits because of the situation you are all in, not just your wife.

Your ex would be more than entitled to go through the CSA to get child support for your daughter. They will give you a discount due to having two children in the house with you, and a further discount because your daughter spends more than 52 nights per year with you. But they will still assess you for your ability to pay child support for your daughter. They do not take into account outstanding debts that you have incurred.

nickdj

nannytone wrote: »

ask your daughter if she's happy to go without the necessesities as you dont think it's fair you should have to pay now.

Not sure exactly what you mean. My daughter enjoys her weekends with me and the only time we go out is to get food shopping. She doesn't like going home as she's made to 'work' as she puts it.

I think she plays her mother up when she gets home as she's made to look after the family.

It ovbiously costs to feed her and then there is petrol costs to pick her up and drop her off. If I did pay the £5 per week flat fee then I would have to take that from food/petrol resulting in not seeing her. I really don't think thats fair or productive.

Indie_Kid

nickdj wrote: »

I have £5 a week to spend on food at work and that it my limit.

Why do you "need" to spend money on food at work?

nickdj

AnxiousMum wrote: »

Your ex would be more than entitled to go through the CSA to get child support for your daughter. They will give you a discount due to having two children in the house with you, and a further discount because your daughter spends more than 52 nights per year with you. But they will still assess you for your ability to pay child support for your daughter. They do not take into account outstanding debts that you have incurred.

I really do understand what you are saying and believe me I want to do what I can. It's just almost impossible to find this extra money without taking from something else. My wife hates my ex because of the way she treats me and my daughter so then saying that we have to pay her...well...she'd probably leave me because she'd be better off!

The original question was regarding dropping an hour in order to get income support. This makes sense in that we would probably get more that what the wife earns in that hour and we can then still see my daughter and have her stay.

What would you say if I said I'd rather have my daughter living with me and we get her benefits. I think my daughter would probably like that but not sure about the wife.

nickdj

sh1305 wrote: »

Why do you "need" to spend money on food at work?

Because I have to eat something. I spend 12 hours a day away from home. Work has a subsidized restuarant where I eat chips and beans every day because it cost £1 and reasonably filling. It would cost more if I made sandwiches or had a couple of packets of crisps. Healths gone to pot as a result :sad:

clearingout

The way I see it is your ex and yourself are as bad as each other. You don't see why you should pay to bring up a child you didn't see/ don't see often, she has messed around with the parent/child relationship on the simple basis that she could/can. Neither of you is right.

It costs a small fortune to bring up a child. Even more to bring up a teenager who wants fashionable clothes, the latest trainers, and the latest game for her x-box/ds...it is about far more than just food and petrol. Children brought up in separated families are more likely to experience poverty in their childhoods and it is poverty that has a negative impact on life outcomes. Simply put, the harder the parent(s) struggles financially, the less likely a child is to do well in school, get good exam results, get a 'good' job, be able to form positive relationships with their peers and go on to have good relationships themselves. The most important things you can do as a separated parent are a) make sure you make a financial contribution; b) see the child on a regular basis and c) find some kind of middle ground with your ex so you're not fighting all the time which impacts on the child.

Fair enough, we all fail at this for some or even much of the time. Make today the day that you turn this around and start looking for positive solutions which provide a better future for all your children. Stop looking for a way out on here - I'm afraid there are very few here who will support that.

skylight

CSA payments are classed as priority; like your rent/mortgage/utilities etc. Its actually your creditors who will see the shortfall in payments. In which case you need the Debt Free or Bankruptcy/IVA boards for some advice on how to manage/handle your debts successfully.