Going back to work after maternity leave...dreading it!

mich13x

Well as the title says i am about due to start back my work. Its a full time job Monday to Friday 8-5.
I love my job and and it is a good salary which i worked my butt off to get. Thats the easy part.

The hard part is my children, DS 17 months and DD 5 months.

When i was expecting DS it was always the plan to put him in a nursery and me to return to work, but things do not always pan put as you expect them to..

DS was born at just 27 weeks gestation and following on from this spent 4 months in hospital before coming home and spending a further 6 months on oxygen at home. As you would expect although he is meeting milestones , its at a MUCH slower rate than your average 17 month old. He cant yet walk or sit up on his own for long periods, he can however commando crawl and hoist himself to his feet using the sofa :T
He also has alot of dietery problems and is underweight, he still eats stage one food for example and has severe reflux causing lots of vomiting on a regular basis I hate to say but i dread feeding my own son and sometimes actually get very nervous beforehand.

Anyway this is where the problem lies, ( DD was full term and is healthy and 'normal' in everyway) due to my sons start in life i have seperation anxiety, this is what the doctor called it but i feel its more than that. I do not trust anyone with my son, he is never away from me, the thought of someone else looking after him makes me feel physically sick. Even after having DD by C-Section i discharged myself after 17 hours so that i could get home to him.

I do let my mother watch him for a few hours at a time occasionally but a nursery is different, its strangers. I just dont think they could cope with his requirements the way i do, having DD made me see the vast difference in his needs from a healthy baby and i cant bare the thought of anyone thinking of him as a nuisance, he is hard work but im his mummy and id do anything for him, they wont see it this way though and that is part of my fear.

I have both kids in a great routine which i stick to (almost a little too rigidly) and they are both great sleepers.

Financially we could afford for me not to return to work as OH also has a good salary but im struggling to make the decision for fear of never getting over these issues i have over my son. I could take another year or two out or return when he is due to start school but what if i do this again and dont want to put him school?

I understand that this is a bit of a book ive wrote here and it might not make sense but i just feel it all building up as the days go by and i have to make the decision, i needed to get it off my chest. I would be interested to hear if anyone has been in a similar boat with sending their child to nursery or if it ended up benefiting their child as opposed to being with mummy all the time.

Thanks for reading if anyones got this far :rotfl:

brians_daughter

oh what a horrid situation for you to be in. Personally i would start slowly. Maybe an afternoon a week in nursery and build up (if you can) Could you speak to work about phased return ? suck it and see kinda thing?

I will say no matter what your children are like the longer you leave it before leaving them the worse it is ...for mummy anyway.

Only you can decide whats good for your family but if you can maybe do pahsed return, or what about working from home? Is that not an option?

No point leaving the children if you arent happy with the care you think they may recieve. I will say that my youngest who is 2 doesnt have specific needs as such but is very high maintenance to teh point that people begrudge having him over (whole diff thread there) BUT nursery are FANTASTIC with him.. he has come on leaps and bounds..children learn best through other children IMO. He is slow to speak and meet his milestones but they havent found anything 'to worry about' but nursery has helped him to express himself in ways i never could do

Regardless of what you decide i think if you could afford a few hours (to start) where he can be with his peers he will benefit greatly x x Sorry for the crap advice, but i know how hard it can be x

dangers

Have you considered either a childminder or a nanny for your children. With a childminder, they generally will only look after 3 pre-schoolers and will be more flexible to your son's requirements than a nursery. A nanny will be more expensive, but they will be cared for in their own home and she will only have your two to look after. Good luck with your decision.

andrealm

Personally I would have hated to have had to work full time when mine were that age, but I had no problem letting go when dd1 started nursery at 3 and then school. They would probably have been quite happy at a day nursery, but there are other ways for children to be with their peers, such as parent and toddler groups.

Plans_all_plans

I personally don't like the idea of childminders/nurseries and in your situation I'd definitely stay off work until your son is eligible for the free sessions at nursery (the term after his third birthday).

You can then build up the amount of time he stays away from you and then can ease yourself and him into a routine before school. He would be older then and probably more able to cope. This is what I did with our daughter. If you can afford to stay off, then I would, more so if I had a child with additional needs I think.

Nicki

I have never put any of my children in nursery so can't comment on this, but I do have a child with special needs who is very demanding at times so I can empathise with the worry about leaving your ds with someone else. We were very picky about selecting childcarers but have been very lucky with the 3 we have had over the last 10 years. They have all been lovely with my dd, very caring and patient and have adored her and vice versa. Same situation at school. She goes to a special school and her teachers and TAs are wonderful with her. Provided you specifically advertise for someone who wants to work with a special needs child, my experience has been that anyone applying for that kind of a job has a particular interest in looking after these kids. In a way, because it isn't their own child and they can go home at the end of the day, its almost easier for them to be extra patient with the children they are looking after and I'm always amazed at how much carers can put up with from my dd without getting frustrated with her.

Good luck whatever you decide, but I do understand your dilemma.

osian

Not in a similar position, but I had the same sort of feelings about DD. She was seriously ill at 2 weeks and we almost lost her (she's fine now though). Since then, I rarely leave her with anyone else, I would have absolutely hated to put her in a nursery. I was lucky that I was not in that position tbh.

It's getting better though (the anxiety), but I am so glad I have been at home with her. She's 2 now and I'm planning what to do when she starts school next year...so you may feel the same in maybe a years time. Like you, I wasn't sure if I could cope with her going to school - and now I'm looking forward to it and I think she will enjoy when she starts. Perhaps you could keep in touch with your old job and maybe do a few things to keep your hand in and your CV updated (study etc).

mum2twinsx2

I totally sympathise with you hun.
My d/d`s where born twelve weeks early so spent alot of time in hospital too. By the time they were home at 6 months [3 months corrected] i was due to return. I did return in the end but i could never go fulltime. I havent worked fulltime for five years.
I enjoy my job, ive since had two other babies and returned to work luckily my eldest twins are in school so childcare isnt too horrific. Luckily tax creds contribute towards this otherwise if i was still with my ex dp i wouldnt work as wouldnt be worth it.

Really think would you be financially any better working once you paid out for childcare? youve said yourself would they manage with his requirements. I would take opportunity to spend the time with your children, i would love to not work the two days i do, but i know financially its better for us.

The reflux settles down eventually bot my d/ds who are 4 still suffer by night, but the vomiting stopped and two and a half years.

Their only young once xxx

mich13x

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply and read all of that.

I like the idea of phasing my son into nursery but my boss has been so understanding and just fantastic about my situation i couldnt possibly ask him for even more time off. A nanny wouldnt be for me either as id probably find myself being too bossy over someone in my own home and that wouldnt be fair on them.

Really i think that my mind is made up and i cant go through with putting my son into nursery and i would rather take another year at least at home with him and DD but its just this situation has brought home how badly my sons birth affected me. Its almost as if because i had no control over him being born early and having to stay in hospital for so long, i cant let him go to anyone else but me now, as if its losing that control again. Its not logical i know that, but i hate being apart from him.

OH doesnt think my relationship with my son is completely healthy, since he was born i withdrew from friends and my social life ceased to exist, this doesnt bother me so much but OH feels i need more time out of the house and away from the children and i think he thought me going back to work would not only be benificial financially of course but also give some time with other adults and learn to trust others with my son ( I wont even let OH mother look after him but thats another story)

I just feel very confused, i want to be home and the one looking after my son and daughter but im also scared that im being to clingy and that ill only make this anxiety worse.

I dont think im making much sense just trying to get a quick reply in before i go to give the kids their bath.

Thanks again guys i appeciate people taking the time out to reply

Counting_Pennies_2

My goodness you had a small gap between the two of them. I don't think you have had time to get over either birth.

You had the most traumatic birth, and I really don't think anyone can get over it until they have had some form of talking therapy as they now like to call it.

If you haven't already, I would get yourself booked in with a good counsellor who specialises in child birth etc. Speak to your GP if that fails have a look on http://www.bacp.co.uk/ and do a search locally and then into what they specialise in, calling them in necessary.

I had a very traumatic run up to and following my second child's birth and ended up with bad PND. In the end I have had extensive counselling with a fantastic counsellor who was a midwife herself once upon a time and also had PND, so had a great understanding of where I was. Without this I wouldn't be here now.

I also have cranial osteopathy which helps reduce the anxiety within me. I highly recommend it for anxiety relief.

I do however think this is a two part issue.

I see the trauma from the birth needs to be overcome.

The decision to go back to work is separate over being able to leave the children.

The trauma I have made suggestions above. The decision to go back to work might even be a need to look at the hours you are working. If you can work on handing your children over in staggered amounts of time over the next year, perhaps you could go back to work part time in a years time.

hth

xxvickixx

I felt the same way about returning to work, had a good job to go back to, but I felt exactly like you about leaving DS.

We worked out that we could scrape by on just DH's salary (hugely down to putting our mortage onto interest only for the time being).

I can honestly say that even though we have hardly any spare cash we are so happy and have never regretted it once.

DS now had finded preschool and I am happy to leave him now he can talk and communicate well, and I am now able to do a little part time work around that so it has really only been two years of being very tight for money and that has really flown by.

Just read the previous post - I agree. I was very ill after having DS and I had counselling which really helped me. It was this as well that made me feel unable to go back to work so might be worth speaking to your gp about. Mine was on the NHS and only about 1 month until I was seen.