My son has got me at my wits end

anxious_mum

Oh yes, it is a comfort, thank you Paddy's mum and to all of you who have bothered to reply, i really appreciate it (and I will read those threads). He came in tonight and we actually had the first proper conversation that we have had for ages (although he admitted he had smoked cannabis, that's why he was so calm). He has said that he wants to stop smoking, that smoking has caused all of his problems, and that he really wants to stay on at this course in college.

I asked how I could support him in his decisions. He said I have to trust that he will stop smoking (I'll know anyway), and he wants me to go to the disciplinary meeting for support, which I will do of course. He also said that he wanted to meet up with our close male friend, without me, so that they can talk. I like that idea, and it has been arranged for next Thursday!

We also talked further about him going to his dad's for a bit, and he is not quite so reluctant as he was at first. I said, the best way to stop smoking is to go and live in nowheresville, with your dad, and help with the farm next door! He said he would go for that. He said he would like to go for the Feb break, if he doesn't get kicked out before that.

I so want him to get away from his present life, and his present friends...although, we live in a nice quiet suburb, we don't live in an inner city sink place, I thought when I came back here after my divorce it would be a nice place to bring up my boys on my own. Obviously not.

anxious_mum

Padstow wrote: »

I'd love him to be here with me.
No street lights, no shops, no youths, no nothing. The nearest bus, over a mile away through pitch black lanes.
What would he get? Attention. Listening to him. Appreciation.
What would I expect? Help around the house. Love my dog. .

This is what he would get if he lived with his dad, plus maybe some proper fatherly advice, which he has ever had in his life! I'd like to come and say for a while with you though, if the offers there! lol!

Padstow

janeawej wrote: »

Putting your foot down now mat well save you heartbreak and trouble in years to come, my stepson was very much indulged by his mother whilst his father was away in the army, when she left and 'dad' came back to care for him and DD he was 16 and already pretty much a waste of space, wouldnt go to school, smoked dope, etc etc, never worked and sponged off dad, then after we met hs came to live with us but caused so much trouble and distress to other members of the household, wouldnt work, study or even sigh on! that after 6 months and lots of warnings we said enough was enough, found him a room to rent, lent him deposit etc and he was moved out, we now have an injunction our against him contacting us, after 1000's of abusive phone calls, (up to 100 a day!) abusive visits etc. the calls have stopped but nasty emails continue to be sent to my OH who has done nothing but try to help his son, in todays email, the first for 2 weeks his dad is a ******** waste of space and I'm a fat e**ing ****!! and son is now 24! I have to say i think if he had been made to accept consequences for unnaceptable behaviour earlier then maybe now he might have, a job, a home etc.

Sorry to rant..........bit fed up of being given abuse and called names by someone who I have tried only to help

Indulging a child doesn't mean they are horrible, or grow up to be trouble.
My daughter, her friends and myself were all talking. My girl was teasing me that she always had everything. Not quite, I reminded her. There was the pony, or rather no pony. I wasn't daft enough to get her that, as I knew who'd be saddled with it. Mucking out before school? Not my girl, mum would have been though.
She is now in the most caring of professions and is the best, most generous child, a mum could wish for.
Yes, she had nearly everything, from private education on. Now I'm going through hard times, she is repaying me tenfold. Fiftyfold. Not only with loving support, but has given me £20,000 to help.

When I can, it will be returned to her thrice over.
I'd say unconditional love works.

The most important thing though is laughter. We've both laughed throughout her 22 years. Whether it's a daft Pheasant running in front of the car, or a big zit on your nose, just laugh.

Padstow

anxious_mum wrote: »

Thank you all for your replies. Since I posted, the boy came home from college and we had a 'kind of' chat. I chatted, he yelled! As I assumed, its not his fault, all the tutors are 'out to get him'. I have laid down the law to him, though - if he is kicked out, he will go and spend some time with his dad, whether its two weeks or two months, he will be sent up the A1 for an indefinite period of time, and he actually agreed! Although when push comes to shove, he might not be so agreeable.

I feel anxious whenever I leave the house to go to work - I work in Europe mainly, from Tuesday to Thursday, and work from home Monday and Friday. I have a sick feeling every time I phone my mum to see how things are, and get the usual stories of how much a pain in the !!! he is being. I think we could all do with break from him, to be honest, and living in the middle of nowhere in a farmhouse in Cumbria might do him the world of good.

I just feel like I've been climbing this hill for too long now. I need to go down the other side now!

Oh Mum. There lies a problem, you referring to your son as "the boy." You and he are miles apart at present.

Padstow

To those who say boot him out, let him stand on his own two feet, I disagree. The more difficult, the more distressed the child, the closer they need to be drawn to us.
If you were going through a tough time in your life, wrestling with all sorts of emotions, worrying about your future, decisions, decisions? How would you feel to be pushed away and rejected?

Parva

Have to disagree Padstow. I went through some rebellious years when my parents split (I was 7 at the time). My mum went through a nervous breakdown and I just lost the plot, I ended up stealing motorbikes, playing truant wasn't the word, I just never went to school!

Anyway, ultimately I ended up in court (long story made very short) and my mum signed a declaration that she could no longer handle me (I was 15 at this point) but my dad said he would take me. Fine... Not. Mum lived in Leeds, Dad in York, around 40 miles away. Anyway, I toughed it out but eventually got back with my mum 2 years later and never again did I s**t on her as I had in my youth, I learned a lot of lessons.

I realise that your son is older than I was but he still knows where his bread is buttered. If you can't leave your home without fear of what you may return to then I think you know what must be done. It will hurt him and he'll sting a little but ultimately as he matures into a man he will understand why and he'll respect you for giving him that kick up the !!!.

That's my experience anyway, good luck whatever you do and I hope you get everything sorted. xx

paddy's_mum

Padstow wrote: »

To those who say boot him out, let him stand on his own two feet, I disagree. The more difficult, the more distressed the child, the closer they need to be drawn to us.
If you were going through a tough time in your life, wrestling with all sorts of emotions, worrying about your future, decisions, decisions? How would you feel to be pushed away and rejected?

Sorry, Padstow, but with all due respect to your own experiences of rearing children, I have to disagree, too.

If a son is choosing to behave so badly that he has just about destroyed the family's love, support and concern; is on the verge of criminality; is determined to reject education, society's standards, and the obligations of citizenship - what should we do ... pay him via mother's earnings or the benefit system to continue being an utter eejit?!

So many people these days seem to be totally aware of their rights but forget that other people have rights too which are every jot as valid and worthy of being met. This son has no right whatever to be conducting himself in such a selfish, stupid way that he is causing misery and damage to everyone around him, and to add insult to injury, the cost of his wants is being met by the injured! :mad:

Even a dog can learn very early on never to bite the hand that feeds it!

This young man needs to learn pronto that while deep-seated mother's love is usually a given, he has to earn privileges. All he's heading for right now is trouble, unhappiness and a lonely few years ahead until he does learn some facts of life.

anxious_mum

Wow, Paddy's mum, you put that so well, especially the last paragraph! You have managed to sum up in a handful of words exactly how I feel about him, and how his behaviour is making everyone else's lives a misery! My mum has even gone so far as to say she has never been so unhappy in her life, and she is 74, a time when she should be enjoying a more leisurely life and not having to be verbally abused by a youth!

I took my two boys out for a meal this evening, and we all had a really good talk about things. I honestly and truly hope, from the bottom of my heart, that this has been a wake up call for him. His attitude does seem to have changed, I think he appreciates the severity of what being kicked out of college will actually mean now, and I hope its the kick up the arris (thanks Bitterandtwisted) that he needed. We enjoyed our time together, just the three of us, and we've decided that we should do it more often, maybe even every Friday tea time. We had a laugh, we spent some proper time together, and he opened up to me a lot more than he has done recently.

Oh well, fingers crossed for the disciplinary meeting on the 7th Feb. I hope it goes well, or he my end up speaking with a Cumbrian accent!

beginningtohatexmas

hi to the op - and paddy's mum who gave me a mention!
this user name is a sudo (as i couldn't post my original dilemma under my norml one) and i had alomst forgotten this username existed.
anyway an update - if it will help the op and her son.
over the lst year things got bit better, then worse - to the point i have not spoken to ds since sept last year - all thanks to what started as to what i thought of as 'normal' teen experimenting with dope.
ds has been living in the ymca since march and for a while thing got better - visits, he got a job, and seemed to be turning things around. then in the summer while we were on holiday and dd was looking after the house he came round drunk and high (not just dope, cocaine now) and dd ended up foning her bf to kick him out.
of course this was all my fault as i backed dd's decision to have him kicked out as he was being aggressive and generally foul and since then we have'nt spoken - i am no longer his mother according to him. he hasn't acknowledged xmas presents sent or replied to the odd text i have sent him.
i still think one day he will grow up, without clinging to that i would be find it hard to cope.

op - if you son is smoking weed, please please do you're best to help him stop and see sense - and if that means sending him to cumbria to the middle of nowhere - do it. don't know if you have read my old thread - but my ds has been on a downward spiral for 2 years now due to that stuff.

anxious_mum

Awwww, beginningtohatexmas....your post made me cry. If I could stop him smoking weed I would do it yesterday. This is the main reason that he will be sent to live with his dad, he will be away from all of his peers, he will have no 'supplier', he will be bored out of his tiny mind but will not be able to smoke weed to alleviate his mind set.

I want to get him off this habit as soon as i can. In a bizarre way, I hope he is kicked off his course, then I can send him to live with his dad for a while...no 'friends' hanging around, no easy access to the drug....just hard physical work, and a father figure who will keep him in shape because he is a man and I'm not, stupid as it sounds, but it IS true! Women can raise their sons, but these sons lack a male role model and so they can only do what they think is the right thing to do. In my experience, my son decided he was the alpha male in my household, becasue there wasn't another one there to challenge his position. This has to be stopped, and it is my job to stop it! I will, but I do so appreciate your help you lot! thanks x x x