My son has got me at my wits end

anxious_mum

Caroline_a wrote: »

What I have find appears to help are 2 things - an adult that they respect and will confide in, and/or a steady girlfriend. With one or preferably both of these your son hopefully will see sense soon, although don't expect an overnight transformation.

I agree Caroline, I think a nice, sensible girlfriend would sort him out. He has a very good relationship with one of my oldest, closest friends, a man I have known for 25 years. They have formed a close bond, and he does seem to look up to him. We usually go out for a curry once a month, the three of us. I might suggest my friend takes my son out on his own next time, (I'll give him a resume of what's been going on), just so that my son can get an opinion and maybe some advice from someone else.

Arrrgh......teenage boys! I think boys should be buried at age 12 and dug up when they're 24!

paddy's_mum

Errm - at what point is somebody going to make it absolutely clear to him that you owe him zilch/nada/nothing/zero and that the only way he is going to continue as a son with all the advantages of living at home is if he contributes, in some way [and there are many, from washing up and keeping the garden tended to contining at college and cooking the meal every night] to the wellbeing of your household.

"You don't like my rules, son? Off you go then - here's the bus fare to your Dad's place (or the Army Recruiting Office or the tramp steamer docks at Liverpool or the nearest teenage shelter ..."

Sadly, tough love is sometimes the only real option parents have unless they are willing to sign up for the destruction of their own physical and emotional health and the impossibly dangerous damage to the welfare of the family as a whole. Good luck.

anxious_mum

You're right Paddy's mum, tonight I really gave it to him with both barrels! I have had it up to here with his behaviour, and although I've always tried to be a good mum I can't ever replace the father/male figure that I think boys need. He takes advantage of his maleness, and his stature (6'2'') which he wouldn't be able to do with his dad. I know that when I say things that are true, they hurt him, and he lashes out (not at me, I hasten to add) but at doors, walls, anything inanimate. There is so much rage cooped up inside him. Where did that come from? It can't be his dad's departure, he doesn't remember ever living with his dad, he was so young when he left.

I laid it down quite plainly. Either shape up or ship out. I'm off to ring his dad now to tell him he may be getting a house guest in the near future!

janeawej

Putting your foot down now mat well save you heartbreak and trouble in years to come, my stepson was very much indulged by his mother whilst his father was away in the army, when she left and 'dad' came back to care for him and DD he was 16 and already pretty much a waste of space, wouldnt go to school, smoked dope, etc etc, never worked and sponged off dad, then after we met hs came to live with us but caused so much trouble and distress to other members of the household, wouldnt work, study or even sigh on! that after 6 months and lots of warnings we said enough was enough, found him a room to rent, lent him deposit etc and he was moved out, we now have an injunction our against him contacting us, after 1000's of abusive phone calls, (up to 100 a day!) abusive visits etc. the calls have stopped but nasty emails continue to be sent to my OH who has done nothing but try to help his son, in todays email, the first for 2 weeks his dad is a ******** waste of space and I'm a fat e**ing ****!! and son is now 24! I have to say i think if he had been made to accept consequences for unnaceptable behaviour earlier then maybe now he might have, a job, a home etc.

Sorry to rant..........bit fed up of being given abuse and called names by someone who I have tried only to help

Stephb1986_2

Even at the age of 24 they are no better, my brother is 27 and he is just horrible that we've cut all ties with him.

I hope for your sake that he isn't smoking cannabis because that is one of the reasons he is probably so nasty.

I hope everything works out for you

Steph xx

pupsicola

You could try what my dad did with my brother, another extreme teen!!! He was kicked out of college and sounds very similar to your son when he was that age.

Dad told him in no uncertain terms that if he was determined to throw away his education he had to go out to work and pay his way. Brother did get himself an interview which my dad had to pretty much frog march him to. Somehow or other he got the job.

6 months working in sainsburys bored him to tears and he realised that it was all he could look forward to unless he knuckled down and worked hard. The following September he was enrolled at college and stuck to his course. Has since gone on to do really well. A little bit of reality of the real world and that is doesn't owe you a thing did wonders.

pupsicola

janeawej wrote: »

Putting your foot down now mat well save you heartbreak and trouble in years to come, my stepson was very much indulged by his mother whilst his father was away in the army, when she left and 'dad' came back to care for him and DD he was 16 and already pretty much a waste of space, wouldnt go to school, smoked dope, etc etc, never worked and sponged off dad, then after we met hs came to live with us but caused so much trouble and distress to other members of the household, wouldnt work, study or even sigh on! that after 6 months and lots of warnings we said enough was enough, found him a room to rent, lent him deposit etc and he was moved out, we now have an injunction our against him contacting us, after 1000's of abusive phone calls, (up to 100 a day!) abusive visits etc. the calls have stopped but nasty emails continue to be sent to my OH who has done nothing but try to help his son, in todays email, the first for 2 weeks his dad is a ******** waste of space and I'm a fat e**ing ****!! and son is now 24! I have to say i think if he had been made to accept consequences for unnaceptable behaviour earlier then maybe now he might have, a job, a home etc.

Sorry to rant..........bit fed up of being given abuse and called names by someone who I have tried only to help

That must be so awful for you and your OH. I have two sons, both very young yet. I have no idea yet how to navigate through the teen years but my one dread is that we would end up with a bad or non-relationship. When you think of all the love, care and effort you put into them. It must be devestating when they throw it back in your face. You have definately done the right thing though.

paddy's_mum

You might like to find the threads by karen310 and beginningtohatexmas who both experienced similar problems with their sons. I think their threads began around December 09/January '10.

Sometimes it's a comfort to know that you're not the only one, isn't it?

janeawej

Thanks pupsicola, its very hard, and the worst things he has done I havnt dared to post as they are just too shocking! All we want is for him to sort himself out, get a job, go to college, even do some voluntary work whilst trying to get a job, and stop upsetting and hurting people. We tried to help him do all these things, even went as far as taking him to a cleaning job at 5am 10 miles away before we went to work and took kids to school etc only to find after 4 weeks that he had never been at all, just walked in one door, waited in the loo and walked out when he knew we had gone!

Padstow

I'd love him to be here with me.
No street lights, no shops, no youths, no nothing. The nearest bus, over a mile away through pitch black lanes.
What would he get? Attention. Listening to him. Appreciation.
What would I expect? Help around the house. Love my dog.

I think the total withdrawal from stress to a calm home would do him good. Which college is he at?
Lincoln is brilliant. Yes I know you are Notts, but Lincoln is close depending on whereabouts.
PM me if you want.
ETA
Just read my post and it reads like I'm accusing you of running a madhouse! Please don't think that. It's just I live out of reach of any distractions, let alone temptation, so it's easier to keep control.
I never had to worry about mine hanging out around the local shops, 'cause there aren't any.
Doesn't that make a mother's life easier.