My son has got me at my wits end

anxious_mum

He is 17, 18 this year. He is currently at college where he has been since September last year since dropping out of 6th form a year ago, so he was doing nothing for about 8 months.

I got an email from his tutor today saying that he will have to attend a disciplinary meeting next week to decide if he can remain at college or if they are going to exclude him. This is all due to 'disruption in the class, distracting other students, lateness, lack of commitment blah blah..' I get the feeling he will be kicked out.

Ever since he was about 12 years old I have had nothing but letters of complaint about him. All of his teachers have always said he is extremely bright, but he will not apply himself, and he will not co-operate and goes out of his way to be disruptive.

His dad left when he was just over 2 years old (his brother was 3 months old) but please don't get the idea I am the generalised 'single mum' figure. I have always worked and have a well-paid job, I own my own home, and I have tried my hardest to instil a sense of respect and responsibility into both of my sons.

I think he is smoking dope and has been doing for a while, which is something I would not condone. Having said that, it seems to be the norm these days amongst teenagers, not that that makes it acceptable. Some money went missing from my house a couple of weeks ago, and although I didn't think it was him at the time, I am now having my doubts.

His dad lives 150 miles way in Cumbria, and I don't get a lot of support from him, either emotionally or financially at the moment, as he has been unemployed since last August, and contributions have been few and far between.

My son is verbally abusive to me and my mum who lives with us (I work away a lot, my mum moved in with me about 15 years ago, into a granny annexe, so that I could continue my career and support us all, and she has been the main carer since the boys were little). To be honest, I really want to pack him off up the A1 to go and live with his father. I've had to put up with so much !!!!!! over the last 8 years or so, but his behaviour over the last year is now starting to make me ill. I have tried talking to him, but its everyone's fault but his, he will not accept responsibility for anything, and he is having a really bad negative effect on my family.

I think I just wanted to get this down in writing to see if it made me feel any better. I know the teen years are hard to cope with, but his behaviour is really getting everyone else in the house down. I wouldn't even mind paying support to his dad if he would take him off my hands, maybe even if only for a few months. I really don't know what to do for the best. Sometimes I dread him coming through the door, knowing that peace will be shattered by his arrogant, bullying behaviour. If he does get kicked out of college he will find it hard to get a job, so will be around the house even more.

Just for the record, he's doing a college course on uniformed services, as he wants to be a police officer and has done since he was a small boy! I don't know whether to laugh or cry :mad:

Thanks for reading, anyway.

RAS

Hi

Personally I would send him to dad tout suit. maybe living on a low income and having to help out might straighten him out? It knocked the stuffing out of someone in my family and they behaved rather better for some time afterwards. Speak to his dad tonight?

And maybe remind him that any conviction for dope or theft and bye bye to being a police officer and a lot of other things in the short term. Even a caution would affect things for several years.

Jinx

Sounds very like my brother and a similar home situation. He too dropped out college etc, in fact he didnt stick at anything between 16 and 19... He did however eventually join the forces and it did indeed straighten him out and put him on a really good path. I'm not sure how to help with the getting him there bit but wanted to show that they do grow up eventually and can change!! My brother earns over twice what I do now and has a fabulous lifestyle which is deserved for the work and hours he has done. Good luck

Tish_P

How infuriating!

If/when they do kick him out of college, you could suggest he go and stay with his dad for a change of scene. Or getting a job and moving out with friends if there's any chance of that.

There's not much else you can do other than make the superhuman effort not to burn too many bridges with him, so that when he eventually sees the light, kicks himself up the behind and starts making the most of his talents and opportunities, you still have a salvageable relationship. Like Jinx says, it does happen.

Caroline_a

As I've only had girls and not boys, I'm probably not the best one to help you, but I have worked with teenagers for a long time. In my experience, young men can go through a period of time when they seem to go into another dimension and lose all forms of common sense. The light at the end of the tunnel is that they do come out of it, usually a few years later. What I have find appears to help are 2 things - an adult that they respect and will confide in, and/or a steady girlfriend. With one or preferably both of these your son hopefully will see sense soon, although don't expect an overnight transformation.

I would say though, don't assume that all teenagers smoke cannabis - they don't I can assure you.

BitterAndTwisted

What's going to happen if he gets kicked out of college? If he doesn't know I would tell him very firmly that it will not entail sitting on his arris at home causing mischief and misery to everyone. He'll have just a few months until you are no longer obliged to give him a home and financially support him. Perhaps let him doubt that you actually will do so once he turns 18 unless he has a job and is doing something constructive with his life?

RAS

I do also wonder if anything happened when he was 12 that changed his view of life?

Moneybot

RAS wrote: »

I do also wonder if anything happened when he was 12 that changed his view of life?

Secondary school?

Cool_Mint

You are over-thinking it: Boot, door, ars*. He'll struggle for a while but he'll survive just fine without you.

anxious_mum

Thank you all for your replies. Since I posted, the boy came home from college and we had a 'kind of' chat. I chatted, he yelled! As I assumed, its not his fault, all the tutors are 'out to get him'. I have laid down the law to him, though - if he is kicked out, he will go and spend some time with his dad, whether its two weeks or two months, he will be sent up the A1 for an indefinite period of time, and he actually agreed! Although when push comes to shove, he might not be so agreeable.

I feel anxious whenever I leave the house to go to work - I work in Europe mainly, from Tuesday to Thursday, and work from home Monday and Friday. I have a sick feeling every time I phone my mum to see how things are, and get the usual stories of how much a pain in the !!! he is being. I think we could all do with break from him, to be honest, and living in the middle of nowhere in a farmhouse in Cumbria might do him the world of good.

I just feel like I've been climbing this hill for too long now. I need to go down the other side now!

RAS

Living with a dad who rapidly gets fed up with his antics might do him good.

And maybe being somewhere he gest asked/told to do physical stuff might help too?