Brother in Distress

LabLover

I honestly didnt tell you what happened to me to frighten you. My family are very much a tough love family and my dad doesnt understand illness that doesnt show on the outside , so the idea that my brother mightve been mentally ill didnt wash with my dad.Its easy to say we wouldve done x y and z had we known the extent of it. But the sad fact was my brother had no debt , he had money left in his bank account and so many people turned up at his funeral that they had to open to doors so the people in the car park could hear. When you think of things in matter of life and death,maybe hes not that sure he even wants to go to Uni , its not for everyone.

belfastgirl23

I reckon it's time your family got in touch with the university to explain that your brother has had mental health issues in the past and seems to be experiencing them again. I know there will be issues with confidentiality etc and once you've done this you might have to accept that they don't speak to you about it again but any decent uni would much prefer that you raise it now, especially since they are mostly desperate to prevent drop outs (they impact very negatively on their ratings!) and obviously to prevent (worst case scenario) suicide or attempted suicide. I would suggest the counselling service as a first stop.

You've tried to do what you can by talking to your brother but it sounds like he's going through that typical stage of thinking that his entire family don't know what they're talkign about, in which case he needs to hear it from the uni itself.

Good luck, it's a horrible situation.

caitlyn22

Hi, I've sent you a PM - let me know if I can help.

newmee

I don't think you can dismiss these symptoms which are all classic signs of depression, which is very much an illness. The fact that he appears well around his friends is also another typical sign and shouldn't be taken as a sign he's exaggerating. People with recurrent, long term depression learn to put a face on around people they have to function with on a day to day basis, partly because they try to let life go on, partly because of stigma, shame etc. When you are depressed the simplest of tasks seem insurmountable and he certainly has previous life traumas to warrent further investigation. The fact that he is a young male in University also puts him in the top demographic for depression and worse. I hope you all find a solution to this. Good luck and lots of love to you all

LittleMrsThrifty

georgie262 wrote: »

Thanks for you reply LMT - It's difficult with finances my Dad is a self-employed Plumber approaching 60 so is really winding down and not working as many hours as he was say 10 years ago so he can and does help out but this is with the irregular offer of £20-£50 as and when he has it. My brother recieves his full loan entitlement (which is the full amount anyone can get) but this doesn't even cover his rent. The is a grant - I assume it is the Access to learning fund - that is available to all students at this uni who recieve the maximum loan - this is supposed to be automatically payable upon confirmation from the LEA but this hasn't happened. I have asked him repeatedly to chase this up and he says he will but never does. I have offered to come up to the university and come to the finance office with him but he has declined.

He is talking about going back to the same university (some of his friends are going there next year)

I understand that he is feeling down but his lack of motivation is so frustrating - he knew before he went to uni that finance was going to be a problem and that he would have to get a part-time job - and he's just barely tried. He refuses to have a job that means working weekends because he says then he won't be able to see his girlfriend who lives back home so his criteria was a job that was a few days in the week 5pm-10pm which is obviously limiting but he hasn't even tried. He signed up with the university job scheme which is like casual work - working in the hall's bars etc but when I asked him what has happened with it he just says 'oh no one got back to me' I say 'you have to chase these things up - the scheme probably has hundreds of people on its books and it's the keen ones who ring up saying 'any jobs this week?' who get the work - he just grunts at me.

Is he receiving a maintenance grant (from the government) as well? If your dad is on a "low income" (less than £50k ish) he should receive a loan and some form of maintenance grant (could be as little as £50, up to £3k ish). Of course I wouldn't expect you to post all the details here but it really would be worth him speaking to the University to explain his situation and check he is getting everything he is entitled to. If you don't ask you don't get. The Access to Learning Fund is there to help students who are in financial hardship over and above what they get already.

If he wants to restart next year the University would want to know why he hasn't done well this year but would do next year. All they will see is that he's not doing much work - so why would next year be different? I don't meant that to sound harsh, it's just the way they'll look at it. If he really wants to go down this route he would be wise to visit the doctor as it seems from what you've said that he might be suffering from depression/anxiety. If so the Uni would probably see this as a reason to allow him to restart again next year.

Hope it all works out well for him. I remember what it was like when my brother was in a similar position, you really do feel responsible. It's hard on everyone.

georgie262

newmee wrote: »

I don't think you can dismiss these symptoms which are all classic signs of depression, which is very much an illness. The fact that he appears well around his friends is also another typical sign and shouldn't be taken as a sign he's exaggerating. People with recurrent, long term depression learn to put a face on around people they have to function with on a day to day basis, partly because they try to let life go on, partly because of stigma, shame etc. When you are depressed the simplest of tasks seem insurmountable and he certainly has previous life traumas to warrent further investigation. The fact that he is a young male in University also puts him in the top demographic for depression and worse. I hope you all find a solution to this. Good luck and lots of love to you all

I know you're right. It's difficult to help him as he often doesn't tell us anything so him saying this to my dad and then me last night was a shock that he had actually opened up. I have asked him to visit a doctor he didn't want to but has agreed to at least go to the doctor about his insomnia (and hopefully the doctor will pick up on the rest). I feel a bit helpless as he doen't seem to listen to my encouragement - I live in a different city to both 'home' and his uni I moved out when he was 10 and still see him as my baby brother.

newmee

georgie262 wrote: »

I know you're right. It's difficult to help him as he often doesn't tell us anything so him saying this to my dad and then me last night was a shock that he had actually opened up. I have asked him to visit a doctor he didn't want to but has agreed to at least go to the doctor about his insomnia (and hopefully the doctor will pick up on the rest). I feel a bit helpless as he doen't seem to listen to my encouragement - I live in a different city to both 'home' and his uni I moved out when he was 10 and still see him as my baby brother.

I feel for you, it must be terribly hard to know what to do next for him. I spoke to someone the other day who has a history of severe MH problems and he cannot rate highly enough The Samaritans. He expressly said that during the night when he would be awake and thinking all sorts they were always there for him. The Samaritans also encourage callers to call and speak to them when they're well too, which I think is a great idea. Hope this helps.

In crisis?

If you are in crisis, the Samaritans can be contacted 24 hours a day, every day of the week.
www.samaritans.org
08457 90 90 90
[EMAIL="jo@samaritans.org"]jo@samaritans.org[/EMAIL]

londonlass001

Hi there,

Your post really resonates with me as I could've written the same about my nephew at the end of last year. He had depression and anxiety at 13/14 meaning that he missed 9 months of schooling but recovered and started a course at uni in sept 2010. Due to his mental health history, it was suggested that he apply for the disabled students allowance which he was awarded. Does your brother have this? With this money, he was able to organise having a mentor to support him and help prevent him isolating himself.

Unfortunately, it hasn't worked out despite having considerable support from family, his mentor and the university. He started feeling like how you have described your brother feeling - unmotivated, negative about available help such as counselling, socially isolated, worse in the mornings and late at night and eventually was calling his mum (my sister) and me in tears several times a day and expressing suicidal thoughts. As a family, we were torn about how to respond at times, tough love vs being empathic. It was frustrating at times because he was unable to see anything positive and just couldn't make a decision about whether to stay and be miserable or leave and feel a failure. As much as it was tough to do, I feel that it was important to balance supporting my nephew emotionally without taking away responsibility for his own life by making decisions for him. We made it clear we would support him whatever he decided to do but that any decision had consequences which he needed to understand. Eventually he dropped out before xmas but has already got a unconditional place at another uni. He is still low at times but is spending the time working part time and trying to understand what happened.

I do hope your brother gets through this and is able to get the support he needs and that as a family you can support eachother. Having a family member experiencing depression is tough on you too.

onlyroz

If he's only in his first year then it's certainly possible to catch up if he puts in some work and discusses his problems with the tutors/lecturers. My degree got off to a bad start but I managed to move up a grade-boundary each year and ended up with a 1st.

Savvy_Sue

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I reckon it's time your family got in touch with the university to explain that your brother has had mental health issues in the past and seems to be experiencing them again. I know there will be issues with confidentiality etc and once you've done this you might have to accept that they don't speak to you about it again but any decent uni would much prefer that you raise it now, especially since they are mostly desperate to prevent drop outs (they impact very negatively on their ratings!) and obviously to prevent (worst case scenario) suicide or attempted suicide. I would suggest the counselling service as a first stop.

or his personal tutor, you should be able to access them through the dept he's studying in. That might work better if he says he's tried the counsellors and not felt listened to.