Brother in Distress

georgie262

I have been reading replies in this forum of late and the advise has been so good that I thought you may be able to offer me some advice also.

I have a 19 yr old brother (I am nearly 9 yrs olders than him and left home at 18) he has recently started a science degree at one of the red brick universities.
Brother suffered depression when he was 14yo and wasn't getting on at school or with our Dad at all. The root of this was our mother dying of alcholic liver disease 2 yrs previously. Brother had been living with Dad because of this since he was 9 (although he idolised our mum).
My Dad called up yesterday to say that he had spoken to Brother on the phone and that he was feeling down. He said that when he woke up this morning he "felt he had hit rock bottom" but had felt better as the day has gone on. Dad asked me to call him to see if he said anything else to me.
The gist of it is he feels isolated at Uni (high rent on halls of residence has meant he has not had any spare money to socialise) he has lost motivation to study and consequently feels he has screwed up his assessments and fallen behind in class. He misses home and his friends and lathough he has met people he 'gets on with' he has made no real friends. He wants to drop out for the rest of the year and go back in September and start again.
I work at a university and I know at this late stage in the year (and after assessment has already been taken) this wouldn't be possible without penalty - his marks would be capped at just a pass. I have also asked him to consider that his Halls of residence will also still need to be paid for the rest of the year unless they can find someone to take over the tenancy.
This isn't tallying with what he wants to hear so he keeps telling me I'm wrong.
Ultimately both me and my dad want him to be happy and obviously I don't want him staying away from home if it is making him ill. Dad has said to me(not yet to Bro) that if you start walking away from difficult situations that it becomes easier to do it more and more as you get older.
Brothers sleeping pattern is also very bizarre - he can't sleep in the night time so he is staying up all night, going to uni in the day and then sleeping 5pm - 12am and then staying up all night again.

He doesn't agree with me when I say the feeling down and the messed up sleeping pattern could be related.
He's going home to discuss with dad on the weekend but I really think he should try to stick it out until the end of the academic year to gain his credit and then even perhaps looking at transfering closer to home for next year.

Any advice would be most welcome.

I must also say that he can be very lazy. Before he left home for uni and was off school my dad would often leave him with things to do - only simple things like empty the dish washer/take the dog for a walk and he never would he's never had a job before which I don't think is acceptable at 19 but then my dad never really forced the issue with him as he never really asked either of us for money except for the odd bus fare to visit his friends.

AA99

Shame georgie, feel for you. I have a son in a similar situation. If I were you, I'd get him to your gp asap. They can help, and I'm sure your advice and your dad's will help him too. Good Luck

georgie262

I have told him to go Docs and also see if the University has any counsellors he could talk to - he said that he tried the university counsellors but felt that they thought 'they'd seen it all before' and that they were rushing him out. I said if he could get a doctors note he may be able to apply for Extenuating circumstances for the exams he feels he's 'messed up'

LittleMrsThrifty

There are a few issues here...

Is your brother receiving all the financial support he is entitled to? Could your dad help out at all? If not and he really is in need, ask him to speak to the university about the Access to Learning Fund (ALF).

When he says he wants to drop out and start again next year, does he mean at the same university or a different one? Either way he would need to discuss this with his current university or the university he'd like to transfer to. If he continues for the remainder of this year he may be able to transfer some credits to next year if he restarts. There are financial implications to doing this too.

Quite often if students drop out they don't have to pay the reminder of the hall fees (the reason being that they are them not a student and it causes a lot of legal and tax implications) - best to check.

It would be worth him speaking to the Counselling Service as they will have dealt with such issues time and time again. However if he is really miserable and wants to come home and can go to a local University, that may be no bad thing. Some students just don't take to it and that's okay.

georgie262

Thanks for you reply LMT - It's difficult with finances my Dad is a self-employed Plumber approaching 60 so is really winding down and not working as many hours as he was say 10 years ago so he can and does help out but this is with the irregular offer of £20-£50 as and when he has it. My brother recieves his full loan entitlement (which is the full amount anyone can get) but this doesn't even cover his rent. The is a grant - I assume it is the Access to learning fund - that is available to all students at this uni who recieve the maximum loan - this is supposed to be automatically payable upon confirmation from the LEA but this hasn't happened. I have asked him repeatedly to chase this up and he says he will but never does. I have offered to come up to the university and come to the finance office with him but he has declined.

He is talking about going back to the same university (some of his friends are going there next year)

I understand that he is feeling down but his lack of motivation is so frustrating - he knew before he went to uni that finance was going to be a problem and that he would have to get a part-time job - and he's just barely tried. He refuses to have a job that means working weekends because he says then he won't be able to see his girlfriend who lives back home so his criteria was a job that was a few days in the week 5pm-10pm which is obviously limiting but he hasn't even tried. He signed up with the university job scheme which is like casual work - working in the hall's bars etc but when I asked him what has happened with it he just says 'oh no one got back to me' I say 'you have to chase these things up - the scheme probably has hundreds of people on its books and it's the keen ones who ring up saying 'any jobs this week?' who get the work - he just grunts at me.

podperson

Hi Georgie,

Sounds like you are a great sister but unfortunately with the best will in the world you can't help someone who doesn't seem to want to help themselves. I don't want to sound harsh but your brother seems like he can't be bothered doing his uni work, or getting a job, or making an effort to make some new friends (has he tried to get to know the people he gets on with any better, he doesn't have to go out on an expensive night to see people but if he's sleeping 5-12 then he's not getting much chance to do things socially anyway!).
I appreciate he has had things tough in the past and perhaps going to see his gp again might help but he's never going to be able to get this problems sorted out if he doesn't put the effort in - and I do think his uni problems sound solvable if he wants them to be.
What does he think is going to be so different next year? Is it purely because some of his friends are going to be there as well? Because they are likely to be wanting to do their own thing as well. Perhaps you and dad need to do a bit of tough love and spell out to him that if he does come back he will need to pay for the rest of his halls rent, he may need to repay some of his student loan and he needs to sort out himself getting back into the uni next year - so he can't just drift along and have you and his dad sort everything out for him.
Hope it works out x

BangorJane

I think contacting the girlfriend might be a good idea, if you are close to her? She may be able to give you an idea as to what's going on, and you may also be able to influence him through her? He might be having problems/missing her as well, which could be key.....

Caroline_a

Just a thought - he isn't playing computer games at night is he? That sort of sleeping pattern is fairly common in 'gamers'.

LabLover

Please please dont think Im trying to say the same will happen, but I couldve written that post a few years ago about my bro. He was causing so much friction in the family with his lack of effort with everything. He got it into his head that leaving uni for a break would be the best thing to do. My mum and dad were pulling there hair out as they were supporting him as much as he could , but he gave up every job he got and basically couldnt be bothered to chase up grants , loans etc. Mum and dad told him to buck up his ideas or all help would stop then he churned out some line about being depressed. He was so hell bent on not going back to Uni that he stopped going and was eventually asked to leave. He had to move back home , never lifted a finger , sat up all night playing the computer , then tried to sleep during the day. The family was at breaking point and then my brother took his own life. All the "lies" about not sleeping and feeling low werent lies they were a cry for help , he was deeply in a hole and needed help out but none of us could see it. Im not saying that this is whats up with your brother , but boys/men find it hard to talk about feelings and at that age they are very vunerable. I only wish I had listened more and asked his reasons for not wanting to be at Uni.

georgie262

Podperson - I know he has to want to help himself. I sometimes get the feeling that he exaggarates how he's feeling to worry me (I know that sounds terrible but it niggles at me) the reasons being he seems to be enjoying uni on FB him and his flat sharers are always exchanging messages/jokes so I know he gets on with them and he's out with them all next week for 're-freshers week'
Tough Loves difficult with him because he'll just become really insular and not talk to us and spend all his time at his friends house I also feel guilty because when he was depressed at 14 me and my dad handled it quite badly at first not realising it was serious and after trying a few different approaches with him my dad's frustration got the better of him and he just had the sttitude that he needed a 'kick up the bum' this seems to have really damaged his relationship with my brother even now.

Bangorjane - I don't know his girlfriend really, I met her briefly over Christmas and invited her to a family Christmas party but my brother didn't want her to come. He seems to keep his friends and family separate I have rarely met his friends from school. He says I'll embarrass him....

Caroline - he does play Computer games and 'online chess' and I have said this is the root of the problem but he says he's tried to sleep at night and turned everything off and he still can't sleep.

georgie262

LabLover wrote: »

Please please dont think Im trying to say the same will happen, but I couldve written that post a few years ago about my bro. He was causing so much friction in the family with his lack of effort with everything. He got it into his head that leaving uni for a break would be the best thing to do. My mum and dad were pulling there hair out as they were supporting him as much as he could , but he gave up every job he got and basically couldnt be bothered to chase up grants , loans etc. Mum and dad told him to buck up his ideas or all help would stop then he churned out some line about being depressed. He was so hell bent on not going back to Uni that he stopped going and was eventually asked to leave. He had to move back home , never lifted a finger , sat up all night playing the computer , then tried to sleep during the day. The family was at breaking point and then my brother took his own life. All the "lies" about not sleeping and feeling low werent lies they were a cry for help , he was deeply in a hole and needed help out but none of us could see it. Im not saying that this is whats up with your brother , but boys/men find it hard to talk about feelings and at that age they are very vunerable. I only wish I had listened more and asked his reasons for not wanting to be at Uni.

Oh My gosh thats awful. I am so sorry for you and your family. I have asked for his reasons he says he feels 'isolated' and his lack of motivation is leading him to mess up and he feels if he went back next year (after having a job) he would financially be in a better place and be happier.