A good father trying to do the right thing.

Diamond78

Take pictures on your phone when the kids stay with you, get a diary and note everything down, when they come over, when they go back, if your ex throws a tantrum then that as well.

If she is entitled to benefits then she has to declare the money she gets from you, well some of it.

Also make sure you keep up the contact, I think once you start reducing the money, she may and try to spoil the contact you have witht he kids but hopefully you are on the birth certificate, so you will have parental rights.

Your doing everything right, your a good dad so try not to worry to much. But don't let her take everything you have. You have rights too, just beacuse she is the mother, doesn't mean she gets all the rights.

AnxiousMum

Diamond78 wrote: »

If she is entitled to benefits then she has to declare the money she gets from you, well some of it.

QUOTE]

Diamond - the rules on this changed recently - CS is now disregarded in many means tested benefits.

shell_542

Maybe point her in the direction of the CSA calculator to show her what a good deal she's having and what she could be receiving, hopefully prompting her to negotiate a more fairer amount.

Diamond78

AnxiousMum wrote: »

Diamond78 wrote: »

If she is entitled to benefits then she has to declare the money she gets from you, well some of it.

QUOTE]

Diamond - the rules on this changed recently - CS is now disregarded in many means tested benefits.

But he is paying the mortgage, so while he pays that, she cannot claim any help with making the mortgage payments. I am sure when you fill out the forms for benefits it asks if you have any other income. On top of CS, he is paying a lot of outgoings for her, so if thats the case, they will look into that.

RAS

Hi

The CSA will expect you to pay 20 percent of your income for 2 kids and 25% for three or more.

Can you arrange for the mortgage to be put on interest only for a while (expalin what is happening) and pay that only, plus the CSA amount? Does that leave you enopugh to live on in the short-term? Longer term, she needs to claim benefits and pay the mortgage if she wishes to stay there.

You MUST contact all joint accounts in writing and tell them that all future debts require both signatures. That is unless you can get your name taken off any of them.

Kimitatsu

Regarding the kids you need to keep a diary of just when you have them for the night - thats really important as you get a reduction in liabilty for the number of nights that you have them.

For contact you need to note in the diary when you have them, when you pick them up from school etc, the courts will rule in the best interests of the child at all times and like to see consistency, so if you have them say Wednesdays for tea and every Sunday then they will want to keep that going (only an example but you get the idea)

RAS is right about the bank accounts, she could potentially take out all sorts in your name and you would be none the wiser. If it was me I would open a new bank account and close the joint one down, tell her so that she has time to open a new one, but in reality you can have cards etc for a bank account in less than a week these days so there is little reason for her to be using the joint account.

Even on a DMP, you will still be liable for 20% of your net income in maintenance and that would be all. When you divorce the judge will place a mesher order on the house giving you a percentage share once the youngest leaves full time education but will indemnify you from paying the mortgage. You could trade the house in lieu of maintenance but then it will be up to your wife to pay the mortgage in full herself. Even if she can get help in the form of mortgage interest relief it will be on the interest only, not any of the capital.

How you tell her is up to you, possibly in written form means that she can read it explode, calm down and then read it again......or she may take it as an affront, only you can decide that! I think you need to have all of the options ready for when you go to mediation, and all of the relevant companies will wait for that - they deal with this sort of thing every day, so try not to rush into anything.

clearingout

just to say in relation to Kimitatsu's post above, a Mesher Order on the house once divorced isn't always the way things work out. It's early days, try and get your finances sorted and contact arrangements with your children confirmed as a priority and worry about the divorce in a few weeks time when you've had the opportunity to get used to everything and understand what possible outcomes there might be.

AnotherDad

Hi,

Thanks everyone for your responses, at a time like this all the help i can get is appreciated.

A bit of an update on the situation... I have had the solicitor free hour and she advised that i cut down the £850 to £650 and class it as full payment for the mortgage and maintenance in lieu but i don`t think the CSA would care about that and still want what would work out as £350 on top. I have not made any changes as yet, she is also still doing the shopping online with my card, this week was £50.

I am cancelling the broadband today, we have had all sorts of arguments over it the weekend, she claims not to want a new contact for 12 months and can she still pay me for the monthly cost, i have said no unless she promises to pay the previous month but now she wants to give me that back from the £850 i have paid this month, i can`t see her doing that either. She mentioned that she was going to call BT and get that installed, it`s up to her now i am cancelling and if she does not pay me then i`ll have to accept it.

I had the kids yesterday, took them to the coast for a day out with my father. Had a great time, took them back to the house and had a chat with her. She was still on about broadband and mentioned about potentially not seeing the kids, delaying the house sale etc. She also brought up that our eldest child (7) was born before dec 2003 and my name on the certificate does not give me PR over her which i think is a real low attack and threat on me. I`m not sure legally how i stand on that front. She is not taking responsibility for this whole separation by not being independant and so i fell like i`m being used until she works out her side of things.

AhhH!

missbunbury

Some advice on the maintenance side of things:

As others have said, the CSA if approached would calculate your responsibility to be either 20% or 25% of your net (take-home) pay, depending whether it's two kids or three or more. They do have a way of taking mortgage payments into consideration but it doesn't work how you would expect. Here is an example of how their calculation might work, assuming you are earning £350pw net.

20% of £350 is £70, so if you are not paying the mortgage at all, then this is how much you pay in maintenance, and this is all you legally have to pay at this stage in the absence of any court order or divorce. However, if you are also paying £650 a month for the mortgage (if it's all for the mortgage that is) then you ask the CSA to consider this as a prior debt and they calculate that you are spending £150pw on this. They deduct £15 (called a threshold) leaving £135pw. This £135 is then deducted from the income they assess you on, bringing it down to £215pw and 20% of that is £43pw that you have to pay in maintenance on top of the mortgage payments.

This may seem an odd way of doing it but that is the law, so that's how it will be if the CSA get involved. If your ex goes to them, then the legal liability to make these payments starts from the date they first contact you, and the payments will be legally enforceable so if you miss any they will be able to recover the debt. (It's worth noting that this way of doing it won't give any legal clarification for who has to pay the mortgage, it simply reflects that you are paying. Currently if the mortgage is in your name only then you are legally liable to pay all of it. If joint names, she is liable too but if payments are missed they will come after both of you.)

If you want, you can go to the CSA yourself and make an application to pay. I have heard that a lot of couples involved in separation court cases where maintenance is involved are being told to use the CSA where the situation is relatively straightforward so unless the two of you can agree amicably this may well be the route you end up taking, whether she opens a case or you do. Bear in mind that regular overnight contact reduces what you pay under the CSA formula. Also, with regards to your debt management business, child maintenance as ordered by the CSA should be classed as a priority debt and you should be allowed to pay it before they do all the stuff with other debts.

You're right at the start of a really difficult process with the separation, so good luck and finally I want to echo what other people have said - whatever you do, get a proper arrangement in place to see your girls and ensure you both stick to it, regardless of issues over money. You are their dad, and you should be able to see them regularly. If this doesn't look like it will be the case, you want to get the ball rolling now to formalise a contact order or similar.

Kimitatsu

Are you named as the father on the birth certificate of your eldest child? If so then you have parental responsibility for that child and there is nothing she can do. If not you can apply to the courts for that now, you dont need a solicitor - speedster who is on this board is probably the best person to tell you how to go about it as he has helped several others to do that.

She cannot block contact without a good reason, and again if she does dont mess about go to court for a contact order, the courts take a dim view of contact blocking and as you have PR then you should have no difficulties.

Have you called the CSA and asked them about taking the payment for the mortgage in lieu? I think I am with missbunbury here, if she is being difficult then it may be best for you to open a case yourself, and then it is up to your wife how she deals with it.

Its never easy whichever way it goes.