A good father trying to do the right thing.

AnotherDad

Hi,

I have recently separated from my Wife, long story short she decided that it was over, no going back despite my attempts to try and make our marriage work. Their was never anything violent or anyone else involved but recently she has been getting more involved with someone else so i confronted them to see and have now given up trying to make it work.

In the mean time i`m trying to ascertain my financial situation. I am still paying for the mortgage, bills, food etc from when i left over 3 weeks ago. I cannot personally afford to continue this as i need to live as well, i`m not in the house, she is with our two daughters. From this i have spoken to a solicitor who has advised that because i pay £850 per month into a bank account under her name from which mortgage etc is taken from i would be better off reducing that amount to cover the whole mortgage (joint mortgage) and class the 2nd half being paid as maintenance in lieu. Additionally to this i will also cancel the broadband connection and stop her from paying for food with my card (£200 a month+). We have not been in contact with the CSA as yet as i want to get an amicable agreement / separation agreement in place with mediation. At the moment she is expecting me to pay everything still and shouts when i mention about reducing it.

I love my kids very much and unlike alot of other fathers that i see i want to pay the right amount for them to live. She is about to i think recieve enough benefits etc which would probably equal what i earn. I cannot afford to live and at the moment the amounts i pay (over £1000 per month) towards things i think is unacceptable (being taken for a ride).

Any advice in relation to the above especially the payment to her bank for mortgage (bank transfer is labelled as mortgage) would be appreciated.


Cheers,

clareabella666

when my parents seperated my mom ( she left the family home) agreed to pay half the mortgage each month which i think was fair.

As for child maintenance they do a calculator on the website and you can work out what they think you should pay and then offer her that amount?

I dont think you should be paying for anything else though.

clearingout

Sorry you find yourself in this situation. It is good to hear that you want to try and do the right thing (whatever that may be!).

You do need to live so finding the balance between having the finances to do that and making sure your children don't go without is a fine one. Assuming your name is on the mortgage, making sure it's paid is a priority as getting into arrears will cause you no end of problems when you try to move on financially once a divorce is finalised. If your wife is going to pull the same as you in terms of wages and benefits (tax credits, I assume), then I would personally say you don't need to be contributing towards the mortgage or other bills (assuming there is no other joint debt in your wife's name?) and simply run your wages through the CSA calculator and pay what that says, and be open to extras for school uniform, afterschool activities etc. However, your wife might not see it like that (although I suspect a mediator would). I am a little sceptical that she will get the same as you whilst qualifying for Tax Credits so do make sure you've got this right before taking this stance.

Is shared residency an option for you from a work pattern point of view and/or something you would like to consider? If so, it's something you need to secure from the outset as you are establishing a 'status quo' which is everything to the courts.

Looking forwards, from a court point of view, when a couple separate there is an attempt to send them back into the world as single people on a roughly equal footing and the needs of children are prioritised. In thinking about this, you need to realise that you are entitled to a life and a home big enough to have your children stay overnight. It is often assumed that the ex-husband will end up paying for the house for years to come but this doesn't always happen and it's not reasonable that you give your children a home whilst you yourself are on the streets so try not to panic! Have a look on www.wikivorce.com for lots of advice from people who have been there, done that and who are going through it at the moment.

Diamond78

I hope you manage to get this sorted.

You cannot be expected to pay everything. You will have nothing to live on. Like others have said, go on the CSA website and do the calculations.

If she is on benefits, Im not sure if she would get help with the mortgage but have a look on the government website. Also when you have time, maybe it would help if you contacted the citizens advice as they may be able to give you good advice.

AnotherDad

Hi,

Sorry rushed the first message a bit, missed out some details!

Co-habitance, i tried with her for one night to do that, it was hell and i couldn`t put it on the kids as she was making awkward for me to continue. I have been out of the house for 3 weeks now, living at my mothers but i don`t think this affects anything in the eyes of the law?

So far i have done the following:

Called the CAB - Spoke to a lady who booked an appointment with a mediator and get an idea of where i am and what the options are.

Arranged a free hour with a solicitor who was not really that helpfull but gave me an idea on costs.

Had the mediation which was good, they are going to try and setup a meeting with the Law Center for some financial advice and also to arrange a joint mediation meeting with CLASSP.

Arranged a free hour with another solicitor. They were excellent and pointed me in the direction to handle the outgoings that i`m still paying for at the house.

Not sure what my next move is at this point, as soon as i stop certain payments e.g. her shopping, broadband etc i know it`s going to kick off and i just want to get the mediation going but as you guys say i cannot afford to live at the moment at all! I have also spoke to a DMP who says they cannot continue at the moment until i know what is happening with my finances and living arrangements, i have no idea how long i`ll actually know myself so it seems that with my debt (close to £18k), costs of the existing house and moving on it`s impossible for me to get that sorted out.

Ahhh!

clareabella666

sorry your having problems, she cant realisticaly expect you to pay for her internet though .

AnotherDad

clareabella666 wrote: »

sorry your having problems, she cant realisticaly expect you to pay for her internet though .

No i agree, she has said that she is willing for me to transfer it over to her but the provider is not able to so i will have to let her know that this is not possible and cancel the contract.

Cheers,

Diamond78

AnotherDad wrote: »

No i agree, she has said that she is willing for me to transfer it over to her but the provider is not able to so i will have to let her know that this is not possible and cancel the contract.

Cheers,

If you have had the broadband contract for over 12 months, depending on the company, you just have to give a months notice. It is then up to her if she wants the set up a new contract under her name.

Make sure you keep a note of things, for example when you see the solicitor and CAB, take notes of things as I tend to think i will remember everything that is said to me, yet I forget.

Did you check the CSA calculator?

How old are your kids and are you able to have them over at your mums?

Im sure you have tried reasoning with your ex over your financial matters but try to talk to her again, tell her until you get on your feet and sort things out, you won't be able to pay for her food shopping ect. When giving money for your children, pay by cheque or standing order. As if she gets nasty with you and all you do is give her cash in hand, you cannot prove that you have been providing for the kids. If you continue to pay out so much, you will get into a lot more debt.

Maybe you can post on the mortgage section of MSE, Im sure you will be able to get some advice on there too.

Kimitatsu

To be honest having done this from both sides of the fence, she has to grow up now and make arrangements to put all of the bills in her name and pay them accordingly.

You cannot be expected to pay for all of her living costs as well as your own.

If you have mediation sorted out thats good and is the first step - has she applied for any benefits at all yet? You can find out what she is entitled to on www.entitledto.co.uk already she can apply for tax credits and a reduction in the council tax. She may argue that the children need the broad band connection (I dont know how old they are) but you should be able to cancel one contract and start a new one almost seamlessly.

She will kick off at some point whatever - so you need to decide what is important and make your stand. Have you sorted out access arrnagements for the children? Contact and maintenance are not linked and as you have left so recently then you need to start a regular pattern of contact ASAP, that way if she tries contact blocking then you can show that you have tried.

Have you contacted your mortgage provider to see if you can reduce payments or have a mortgage holiday whilst you sort this out? However amicable (or not) this will be, there will still be court fees to pay for the divorce etc.

AnotherDad

Kimitatsu wrote: »

To be honest having done this from both sides of the fence, she has to grow up now and make arrangements to put all of the bills in her name and pay them accordingly.

You cannot be expected to pay for all of her living costs as well as your own.

If you have mediation sorted out thats good and is the first step - has she applied for any benefits at all yet? You can find out what she is entitled to on already she can apply for tax credits and a reduction in the council tax. She may argue that the children need the broad band connection (I dont know how old they are) but you should be able to cancel one contract and start a new one almost seamlessly.

She will kick off at some point whatever - so you need to decide what is important and make your stand. Have you sorted out access arrnagements for the children? Contact and maintenance are not linked and as you have left so recently then you need to start a regular pattern of contact ASAP, that way if she tries contact blocking then you can show that you have tried.

Have you contacted your mortgage provider to see if you can reduce payments or have a mortgage holiday whilst you sort this out? However amicable (or not) this will be, there will still be court fees to pay for the divorce etc.

Not sure on the benefits front, i looked at that site but i don`t have all of her details and being remote from the home it`s hard for me to find out at this stage. I expect she has the ball rolling on most of these things but is keeping everything very close to her chest.

Broadband wise, tough really. I`m trying to organise a DMP so every penny counts. With the DMP they cannot continue at the moment until i can decide to reduce the £850 to £650 and then tell her that i`m going to class the other half of the mortgage as maintenance in lieu? They need accurate figures to project my available funds.

Children wise i call them EVERY day before they goto bed and have seen them a good few times since leaving the house. I had them the whole of last weekend and i`m taking them away this Sunday, hopefully same again next Sunday. How can i prove that this has been the case? Do i need to pay a solicitor to prove it somehow?

Contact mortgage provider, not asked your questions above but worth attempting on next contact.

My issue with most things is that i have kind of got over her, especially the way in which she has gone about it so my decisions at the moment are still slightly with the concern of what she may do and how i handle the conversation. Up till now i have just done what has been asked, feet down time. I think with the £850 reduction / maintenance in lieu, broadband etc i should just email her and tell her that is happening if she likes it or not ???

Cheers,

AnxiousMum

When you spend time with your kids - take photographs of you with the date on them.....out walking in the woods, whatever - have an agreement with the ex in place as to you seeing the kids on a regular basis, but don't word it as you get to see them every blah blah blah, get the wording 'at least every.....' in there. It is very important that you maintain the relationship with the girls.

It was suggested above - is there any way that you could consider a shared residency so that you have the girls half the time? Your child support payments would take into account the number of nights they stayed with you and your paymetn would be reduced accordingly.