four year old testing patience, how to manage behaviour?

Breast_Cancer_Survivor

Sorry I haven't got any useful advice but it sounds like you have alot on your plate atm (hugs).

I'm sure your supernanny chart will help as at that age they learn quickly.

Good luck.

sumsup

am feeling for you, Mumtotwinsx2, 4 children under 5 must be such hard work! I only have a 5 year old, but he can be a handful on his own! My bibles are: "How to talk so kids listen and listen so kids talk" , and " 10 days to a less defiant child" Both available from Amazon ( they can be a bit "american" but the ideas are really useful and very different from "Supernanny", if that is not working for you/not you cup of tea).

Good luck!

mrs_marty

I feel for you! My son is coming 5 and oh lord this is this why the victorians sent them up chimneys Iam currently ignoring my as he is mid strop and for both our sanity i find this works. I think it is just another bit of exerting themselves and showing their own minds or at least thats what i hope it is x

bylromarha

If it helps OP, my 4 year old has been having these sorts of mood swings on and off for the past 6 months. Last night was horrid and Supernanny would have been shocked at how I dealt with it. But I did what I had to do, as you do in these situations. So DON'T feel alone!

DD horrid this morning, then came back from school all sweetness and light. No issues in the slightest.

I've learnt to ensure we start getting ready 30 minutes before we're due to leave in case the horridness comes out over shoes/coats so we do have time to do the naughty step. If they do it straight off, then they can read on the sofa/carry on playing with (easy to tidy) downstairs toys as a reward for doing what they've been asked to do so quickly.

When you feel you're losing it, just stop and breathe, look at the little lady, breathe again, and remember the little girl you love so much is still under all that pushing and screeching coming out of them. Your love will best be conveyed by being consistent, much breathing and much chocolate and wine after they've gone to bed.

And the mantra - it is just a phase, it WILL pass.

mum2twinsx2

Glad im not alone in this moment. Felt like been hitting a brick wall for past few days. The world has just been generally hated everything/everyone. I have just been and checked and she just look so innocent asleep, and i got that pang of guilt.

I cannot think of anything that has triggered it off, just did our usual swimming lessons morning saturday then birthday party the horns appeared.

Shes got a hospital appointment tomorrow afternoon at one so will just be her so hopefully we can `chat` while we are in the car.

thanks for book recommendation will look at those.

ive created my charts just golden rules i think need to implied and set in stone.
Thanks again xx

KiKi

Hi OP

3 and 4 is also where kids start asserting their own independence, but of course can't have it - and boy does it cause havoc for parents! I feel for you!

One great technique I use when kids say "no, I won't put my shoes on" or "no, I won't go to bed" is to:
a) tell them what WILL happen then
b) give them some control over the situation

Eg, "Molly, we're going out, so I need you to put your shoes on, but I want you to be very grown up and choose either the pink ones or the black ones for me". Or "Molly, you're going to bed now, but you can choose your princess pyjamas or your Hello Kitty pyjamas." "Would you prefer milk or water before you go to bed?"

So there's no negotiation whatsoever in what's going to happen (as there shouldn't be at this age), but she feels she does have control by getting a *limited* choice! Ie, she can't wear what she likes, or choose any old shoes - you give her a choice of 2 or 3.

Another 'technique' is to not get into negotiation and asking questions that then open up a debate, as it gives her the impression that there may be some wiggle room! So if she's throwing a tantrum about going to bed, that's just tough - she gets put physically in her bed, rather than "what would like to do then" - or worse "well what's mummy supposed to do?" She, of course, can't answer that and needs the boundaries of "this is what will happen, end of."

Another point - although it's incredibly hard - try not to be too angry with her and openly very loving and praising of her sister. It's very easy when there's a 'naughty' child for that one to feel even more the black sheep when they're told off and see mummy heaping praise on their siblings. Of course, you can't tolerate bad behaviour, but try not to single her out for it! (Not implying that you are or would at all, just raising it as a point!)

Lastly, as one other poster suggested, did she eat anything or see anyone right before this started? Might that have been a trigger? Just noticed you said she's going to hospital - is that worrying her? Would one of the kids at the party have said anything to her about it (like "my nan was in hospital and she died") to make her freak out?

They do love to test your patience. Just be grateful you're only getting it from one of them right now! Unless anything happened to make her behave like this, then it's more than likely a little testing phase for you! But sounds like you're a great mum already with time out and charts that work for her, so just keep at it - hard as it is!

KiKi

CG77

KiKi wrote: »

Hi OP

One great technique I use when kids say "no, I won't put my shoes on" or "no, I won't go to bed" is to:
a) tell them what WILL happen then
b) give them some control over the situation

Eg, "Molly, we're going out, so I need you to put your shoes on, but I want you to be very grown up and choose either the pink ones or the black ones for me". Or "Molly, you're going to bed now, but you can choose your princess pyjamas or your Hello Kitty pyjamas." "Would you prefer milk or water before you go to bed?"


KiKi

Some fab points KiKi and very similar to what I would have advised too. The above part made me laugh though, because it's something we've done with our little fella since being about 2 and we've found that now at 4 he has cottoned on and says in reply to eg 'Would you prefer milk or water before you go to bed?' 'Erm....apple juice please!' (to which I reply, 'Lovely manners, sweetheart! Would you like water or milk?' :rotfl:)

Yes they are really trying to gain control at this age and it can be hard not to react but I do think that's the key...give them the control they crave, in a very controlled way!

All the best OP!

CG. x

meritaten

and from that birthday party the little devil emerged?????????? hmmmm. either something she ate or someone upset her! have you asked her twin whats wrong with her sister? sometimes they are clued in and can tell you. I cant believe that a previously angelic child can change over a weekend without something triggering it! summats up hun. I would be asking all those present at the party if something occured - even if it seemed trivial.

KiKi

CG77 wrote: »

I do think that's the key...give them the control they crave, in a very controlled way!

Absolutely. Mum is control; kids think they're in control.

Deception at its best.

KiKi

skintchick

My DD is 17 months so I'm not really qualified to talk, but in addition to the choice thing, what I do is explain things to her. Easy enough with one, I know, but I find is she understands why things have to be a certain way she complies better. I'm sure that must apply at any age, and might be useful, if you can find time to do it!

Also, they obviously will have been massively affected by their dad 'disappearing', and this is likely to be behind a lot of their behaviour at the moment. Is there some family counselling you could have to help them deal with this?