Groom's family excluded from preparations

katini

I'm sorry that you are feeling like this motherinlawtobe. I can completely understand your point of view and why you are feeling left out. However I will let you know my situation because it's been driving me mad recently and may or may not help your situation.

My MIL-to be lives at the other end of the country from myself and my OH. Because of this it is hard to include her in the planning of the wedding. Not only due to the distance but also because my OH is not that much of a lover of telephones and therefore when they speak they don't speak for long and he usually forgets 99% of the conversation by the time the call is over! Also due to illness, we didn't make it up there at Christmas so she hasn't seen us since June which was way before we got engaged.

This has caused a few problems with the organisation of the wedding: not least when we found the venue and worked out that we could afford a maximum of 70 people to the day. OH and I sat down and worked out a guest list and then when he told her she asked how many people she could invite. Not really paying attention the OH told her just to let us know how many and who they were. This upset me because I felt that we would have to knock people off the list who we both knew or family members that I have grown up with in favour of her personal friends that my OH doesn't really have any interest in.

I really think that the day is about bringing the two families together and them all meeting each other and got concerned that she was just inviting a load of people for the "show". Also I want to do the flowers for the wedding but OH's mum used to be a florist and everyone's saying I should let her do them and that she'd like to do them. I don't want her to DO them, I would prefer her to help me/us do them together.

There were a whole multitude of similar issues and this was causing friction between OH and I, and stressing me out. In the end I decided the only way that everyone was going to be happy would be if *I* spoke to her, rather than my OH being the only one who speaks to her. So I have started phoning her and discussing the wedding with her and it turns out that actually half the problem is the poor communication through my OH. It's not deliberate on his part, he does love her very much, he just isn't really interested in talking on the phone or going up there to visit. I've only actually met her three times so she's not even really a known quantity to me so it seemed a lot worse before I plucked up the courage to call her myself.

The point of this is that maybe you need to speak to your DIL-to-be directly and make it clear that you are not looking to take over, but merely to help. When I thought that my OH's mother was looking to take over and make decisions which I believed were our decisions to make, I wanted to shut her out entirely but actually speaking to her has made me realise that it's not like that at all and it's just a misunderstanding that got out of hand. I'm now trying to get her to come down and visit so that we can take her to the venue and we can talk about the flowers etc. Communicating through my OH is just pointless!!

I don't know if you do speak with her directly but it might be something to try. Your son might not really understand the importance of it all from your point of view (or even hers!) so it probably would be best to speak to her.

LEJC

What a sad situation to be in for you but I think the key maybe is to speak to your daughter in law to be and establish if possible if there is anything that you can do to help with the preparations...afterall it is your sons wedding too...
I get the feeling that geographically you are not close to where the wedding will take place...perhaps you could suggest that you visit the area for a weekend and perhaps suggest a time where you can meet up with the bride and her parents to discuss what is a big part and time in your life too. You would benefit from knowing what the colour scheme is if only to avoid it in your choice of outfit...
suggest a meeting outright that way if your offer is declined you know that you have tried your best....sometimes the bride does seem to share most of the planning with her mother and sons I guess they leave most of it to their girlfriends...
My parents in law were not that involved in our wedding when we married...ive no idea really why...thinking about it ...it may have been because I just updated them regularlly on what was happening ...rather than asking or listening to them...I think I may have even felt a little intimidated by the MIL as the one thing I did invite her to...the fitting of my dress she declined with the words "she would rather see it for the first time on the day when her son did!"...I think I didn't bother with further invitations or requests for help incase I was "knocked back" again....
Theres nothing to say that you need to become firm friends or best buddies with the other set of parents...it helps but sadly sometimes the frienship just is'nt there...what does matter thou is the relationship between your son and his bride ....
I hope you can find some common ground and then be able to explain your feelings and perhaps become more involved in the special day....

celyn90

Is there anything you can help your son with? I'd just let her be - I think it's mean of them to be unkind, but I think it's is only natural that she wil loook to her own mum for help first.

I haven't discussed anything with my OH's parents. It never occured to me to do so; it's not about wanting to exclude people, I just don't need any help as it's all planned and sorted (plus I have the additional issue that we don't speak a common language and they live near Frankfurt).

I went dress shopping on my own, it never occured to me to take anyone with me at all; clothes shopping is not something I enjoy and I find it impossible to get excited about choosing a dress I'm only going to wear once; if I went on my own, I knew it would be done faster and more effectiently and I could choose exactly what I wanted to wear. In the end it was done with in 20 minutes online, it arrived, it's fine and I will alter the straps myself. OH is the only other person who has seen it.

cel x

ariba10

Next to Religion, Marriage ceremonies must be biggest causes of strife in the world.

Katie-Kat-Kins

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling excluded.

I think you should tell your son that you would like to be more involved and that you would like to offer practical help and see if he can chat to his fiancee about it.

It maybe that she doesn't realise it is important to you, or that she is just stressed and trying hard to keep everything under control and finding it difficult to delegate. It may even be the case that she is finding her mum a nightmare too!

The fact that your daughter is a bridesmaid suggests she isn't trying to exclude your family.

She might not want to put upon you or may feel uncomfortable asking for help from you.

Do what you can, if speaking to your son doesn't help (some men aren't very involved themselves) send a little card to your daughter in law and to her mum and say that you would really love to help out but don't want to step on anyones toes. Maybe suggest a few practical things you can help with too. They may not take you up on it but you will have tried. If you can suggest something that isn't one of the big main things, maybe something that they haven't thought of yet. You don't want to "take something off them" bear in mind that whilst you might be a great flower arranger, auntie flo might be too and she may have been promising to do the flowers for the past 10 years. Also bear in mind that the bride (especially if not short of money) might want certain things done "professionally", especially if she doesn't know how good you are at doing these things.

Maybe you could offer to make up some "party bags" to keep the child guests entertained during the meal (all you would need to know is how many children there will be their ages and gender and maybe have an idea of colour scheme to co-ordinate with).
Maybe you could offer to organise some umbrellas that match the theme in case of rain.
Maybe you could offer to make some favour boxes or if she has planned the favour boxes cake boxes.
Maybe you could offer to make a mix tape for during the meal or the photos if there won't be live music
Maybe you could offer to help make the order of service, or table/place name card or the table plan.
Maybe you could offer to take charge of collecting things from the venue afterwards and running them back to the bride/brides mum
You could offer to return the mens suits
You could offer to organise something for their wedding night (night in a nearby posh hotel) if it isn't included in their package, or for the start of their honeymoon (nice car to the airport and champangne in the airport lounge?). You wouldn't even need to involve the bride in that you could just check the existing plans with your son.

I am sure that no one wants to deliberately exclude you, but weddings get very political and very fraught!

Oh and I wouldn't expect anyone to have seen the brides dress beforehand bar maybe her mum or a bridesmaid. With the bridesmaids dresses I would suggest that you go with your daughter so that the day can be a nice girls family bonding session with both mums and daughters. Don't kick up a fuss about the accessories the bride may want to buy them for her bridesmaids as treats (I did and it was a surprise).

With regard to your outfit, if after all your best efforts they are still being obstructive, and if your son can't get it out of his fiancee I would get fairly blunt and say: I am buying my outfit this week, I don't want to risk us wearing the same so can you tell me what colour you are having please it would be so embarrassing if we matched! If she still doesn't tell you then I would say in that case I will buy mine and chance it I can't leave it any later because of getting alterations done in time. Not telling you at least the colour to avoid is just plain rude.

tartantotty

I am afraid that I cant offer much advice - but can I adopt you? My MIL to be has a completely different attitude. She lives a long way away, so my mum and I emailed her regularly with updates, photos etc, and info. We got 1 or 2 line replies that seemed disinterested, and in the end gave up. It really upset me actually as it made me feel that she wasnt happy I was marrying her son. I have got over it now, but it did hurt.

So if you are up for adoption, I will do it!:beer:

I hope you manage to get things resolved, the skills you have are ace, and you would be an asset to any wedding.:T

Feel better soon x

ellies_angel

my step daughter and I have been on various outings to see possible venues, wedding exhibitions, bridal shops etc with grooms mum and sister in tow. She just sees it as a girlie thing and we go home and feedback to the men. I think she likes the support as she lost her mother 5 years ago to cancer.
We were going to include her Gran, however whenever I give her an update its met with.................thats expensive..............everything is expensive and just seems to be negative about everything so she isn't being included, just told

It is difficult not to put your views accross too strongly and remember at the end of the day it is their day and not yours.
Personally having been there, done that, if I were to do it again, I would just !!!!!! off, me and him and tie the knot in our lunch hour, but I wouldn't for one minute begrudge her, the day she wants.

motherinlawtobe

tartantotty wrote: »

I am afraid that I cant offer much advice - but can I adopt you?
So if you are up for adoption, I will do it!:beer:

I hope you manage to get things resolved, the skills you have are ace, and you would be an asset to any wedding.:T

Feel better soon x

Thank You:)

motherinlawtobe

I feel much better about everything this morning thanks to your support; I also discussed the issues with friends over dinner last night. I have made my offers of help and have been rebuffed so that is that, I will now just sit back and let them get on with it. As far as an outfit goes I will not ask her mother again about what colour she will be wearing. If that means I have to go shopping a few days before the wedding then so be it, I am not getting involved in her power play. Thanks to all for your support and kind comments.

Katie-Kat-Kins

Do not leave shopping until the last minute. You will regret it and you will be the one to loose out.

If you aren't prepared to ask her about it, just go and buy something now so you are sorted and don't need to stress about it near the time. If she doesn't like it she can lump it - you gave her a chance to co-ordinate. Tell your son what you are doing (so he can let his fiancee know) and make it very clear that you gave her every chance to give you a steer away from what she was wearing but she has refused to co-operate.

Word of warning though. DO NOT tell the brides mum what you have bought, if she is really that power crazed she will try to make you change it last minute or worse turn up in something that will deliberately make you look bad.

At the end of the day it will probably be fine, my mum and mother in law didn't discuss outfits and they didn't clash at all. My mum wore a peacock green/blue dress tailored dress and jacket, and my MiL wore a beige jacket and accessories with a co-ordinating floral pink dress. My friend's mum and MiL have never spoken due to a language barrier and again managed to by chance turn up in completely different outfits, MiL in a blue queen mum style dress, coat and hat and bridesmum in a black trouser suit. There is so much in the shops, you probably have different tastes, shapes and colouring so will probably pick something different.