Groom's family excluded from preparations

motherinlawtobe

Sorry this is going to be rather a long rant.

Is it normal for a groom’s family to be totally excluded from wedding preparations? My son is getting married in the summer and all our offers of help have been rejected. The young couple are paying for the wedding themselves but even so the bride’s mother will not let anyone help with any of the preparations.

I offered to help with flowers & I offered to bake the cake. My daughter is very artistic and offered to help with the invitations. We offered to help make bunting, napkins and tablecloths to cheer up the marquee.

I was hurt by not being included but just decided to let it go. However I am now also being excluded from even seeing my daughter’s bridesmaid dress that I have paid for. It has been bought in hopefully the correct size and instead of being sent to my home the bride’s mother has insisted that it go to her home. This means my daughter will have a lengthy trip to try on the dress and then maybe return again if any alterations have to be made.

For me this is the last straw. Being denied even the enjoyment of seeing my daughter in the dress so that I can help her select accessories is very hurtful. They will not tell me what colour accessories to purchase for her; they want to purchase them even shoes which is really ridiculous.

The bride’s mother has purchased an outfit but they will not tell me the style or colour so that I can go ahead and buy something. Apparently she might change her mind nearer the time and purchase something else so I am not allowed to choose an outfit until she gives the go ahead.

I was looking at some outfits yesterday and the owner who has been in the business for many years said it is very common for these unpleasant disagreements to occur which makes me very sad indeed. What a pity that what should be a happy time is so often ruined.

jojo2004

Sounds like you're having a rotten time - hugs. As far as I know (newbie!) it's not at ALL normal. I think your son needs to tell you what's going on and why. Has he mentioned any problems? Feel better! xx

Mrsanders

I'm very sorry to hear you are being treated this way, my mum got a bit defensive when we first announced we were getting married and said she didnt want h2b's family taking over (which to be honest is usually the type of thing they would try and do) but we have involved them in everything we have done, in particular his mum as she doesn't have a daughter and thought she might like to be a part of it, but for some reason she doesn't seem interested at all. They have not contributed in any way or even attempted to help. I do think they are being very unfair to you from what you have said, maybe you could have a quiet word with your son and let him know how you are feeling? He may then be able to sort things out with them?

motherinlawtobe

Thanks for the kind response jojo. No my son has not mentioned any problems apart from saying that her mum is a bit of a control freak and used to getting her own way.

Birdie85

I think it does happen quite often, which is a shame and I'm sorry that this is your experience.

When OH and I started planning our wedding he asked me if I would include his Mum in the planning as she'd had absolutely no input in his older brother's wedding and he'd felt awful for her. I never considered not including her, but I made a point of taking her dress shopping with me, showing her the BMs dress I chose since she hadn't been able to come on that shopping trip, she helped me pick out OH's outfit etc. My Mum and I took her shopping and helped to pick out her outfit for the wedding too and it was lovely for the Mums to get to know each other better.

My friend is getting married in the summer and seems to be treating her future MIL like your future DIL is treating you. Her parents are paying for the wedding and she refused her future in-laws' kind offer to pay for half because she didn't want to lose 'control' of the wedding and have to include the in-laws in the planning. I think it's really sad, when you get married you're joining 2 families together and everyone should enjoy the day and the run-up to it, I'd be delighted to have so many offers of help!

Can't you speak to your son and make him see how hurt you are?

sethsgran

My daughter married last summer and we made every effort I feel to include her future MIL. WE had great fun when she came to visit us for a few days, she lives 200+ miles away, and we made truffles together and worked on the invites. The day before the wedding we simply worked as a team making our childrens day what they wanted it to be. I had only known her 6 month when they married but feel like another friend came into our lives and she is certainly part of our family now.

This is so sad that you aren't involved. Could you ask your son to arrange a time to get to know her and offer to take the load off her a little. Hopefully if she sees you are capable of doing a good job she might soften. hugs

Jodie+Matt

My best friend got married last year and let her mother in law come to her appointment to try on dresses so she got see the actual wedding dress! Also she let her help out money wise and help choose the venue etc, however her mother in law started trying to take over and got very pushy and expected to have a say on everything and got very shirty when the bride disagreed with her etc. My friend still says to this day she wishes she never let her mother in law get involved as the wedding didnt feel like her own!

Also I 100% don't want my mother in law to have any in put or insight into our wedding, I would accept money from them (maybe that sounds abit wrong, but oh well), but I want my wedding day to be my own and the more you let other people in the more other peoples idea's etc start to muddle their way in, and before you know it you are changing your plans to suit others. And as for my mother, she will know everything about the wedding, and I am open to suggestions from her etc, but my mum is more like my best friend and my mother in law... I dont particularly like her

motherinlawtobe

sethsgran wrote: »

This is so sad that you aren't involved. Could you ask your son to arrange a time to get to know her and offer to take the load off her a little. Hopefully if she sees you are capable of doing a good job she might soften. hugs

Thanks for the kind response.
She does know that I bake, sew and do flowers for the W.I. and my church, so I assume she knows that I am capable of doing the jobs that we have offered to help with.

aarchk

I didnt want my OHs family too involved in the wedding planning as the wedding is in their local church with an aunt as the vicar and his sisters singing during the service. Also reception adjacent to their house. They are nice people but very close knit and will take over given half the chance. I have limited their involvement on purpose keeping some areas as a surprise for them which now things like invites are going out they are really enjoying.

For instance I have not discussed either my or my bridesmaids outfits with them, only to tell them the colour so MIL can coordinate her outfit if she wishes. I have given one key part of the wedding to MIL to be in charge of (but ultimately the choice of materials/arrangements is mine and H2Bs) so she hasnt really had time to worry about anything else. She is kindly letting me host one of my hen events at her house so she is involved in that way too. As for outfits my mum and MIL speak oftern either through cards or letter and they had both decided on a colour, my mum is more reds/pinks and MIL is blues greens. That way neither outfit will clash!

Its a shame that you could not be given something to do to be involved in the process, I would never have dreamt of totally excluding my MIL. As as for waiting for the MOB to choose a dress before you can - I know its tradition but the last thing you want is to have to do that at the last minute. They will have to let you say what you colour/style you will be going for, Brides controlling mother will just have to lump it.

motherinlawtobe

Jodie+Matt wrote: »

.......however her mother in law started trying to take over and got very pushy and expected to have a say on everything and got very shirty when the bride disagreed with her etc.
.........., but I want my wedding day to be my own and the more you let other people in the more other peoples idea's etc start to muddle their way in, and before you know it you are changing your plans to suit others. .......and my mother in law... I

dont

particularly like her

Hi Jodie
We are not expecting a say on anything or expecting anyone to change their ideas, all we are offering to do is physical help with jobs that need to be done.
How sad that you dislike your mother in law, maybe if you involved her you would get to know her better.

abis21

Awww, that is very sad that you are being treated in that way. I can't understand why they won't show you the bridesmaid dress? How strange...

I have used the wedding as an opportunity to try and get to know my future MIL better.

I was discussing all my ideas with my mum, and then felt like MIL would miss out a little (as my OH is not big on phoning her on things like that!), so I now email my MIL regularly.

They live 70 miles away, so email is a nice way of letting her know some of the details.

I am accepting all offers of help as well, lol!! I think its daft not to. I can't see that anyone would try and take over anything, and if they did I would just have a word about it. I figure the more heads the better, as someone else might think or something you don't yourself, or even better if they have skills like baking and flower arranging!!!

Maybe she might like things to be a surprise for you? I am keeping shtum from nearly everyone about my dress for example, as the less people that know, the more surprised people will be on the day.

Hope you manage to sort it out and it can become more enjoyable.