Contact with ex husband re kids. Whats normal?

headoutthesand

Not looking for specifics here but my ex said I text him too much and that it's putting a strain on his relationship.

The background is this:
Our relationship was at a bad patch
he had an affair
the kids and I moved out
The other woman moved in
we are now almost 3 years down the line, I have a new house with the kids with absolutly no interest what-so-ever in getting back with him. The thought of it turns my stomach.

His access with kids is this:
Monday - no contact
Tuesday - he gets them from school, they stay over
Wednesday - he collects them from school till 5pm
Thursday - same as Wed
Friday - no contact
Saturday - Wither has no contact or keeps them overnight every second week
Sunday - Either has no contact or drops them off at dinner time if he's kept them on the saturday

since Christmas day, I've text him 5 times and it's always been to do with the kids. Either making alternate arrangements to collecting them because of the weather or to tell him that DS2 has things hanging on his peg at nursery (incase he doesn't take them)

I don't think this is inappropriate as the kids are 3 and 6. Personnally I think his OH is feeling insecure. With kids of this age, I think 5 texts in 4 weeks is normal. The texts have nothing untoward in them at all. No kisses, no general chit chat etc. Just plain and simple "i'll pick boys up tonight", "DS2 has a Morrisons bag on his peg", "DS1 left his school tie at yours last week, can you post it through the letter box please?"

Any thoughts or comments would be appreciated here. I've asked my family but obviously they hate him and always side with me lol

Oh, ex works constant night shift which makes it harder to have conversations with him. I told him I'd rather send him a text than call him for silly things that don't require a reply.

Chakani

Have you asked him what he would suggest? It may just be that he would prefer you to email or call the house phone or some other equally inoccuous solution. Or it may just have been a knee-jerk reaction to a row with his GF that he didn't really think about before saying it.

If he can't think of a better way, then if that really is all you are texting, then it's up to him to sort out the insecurities in his relationship, but it can't hurt to take the diplomatic approach first.

headoutthesand

thanks for that.

I have asked what he would prefer and he said that he would prefer me just to discuss things when I collect kids on a Wed and Thurs. I explained this is no good if it's something to do with collecting them or simply telling him that there is a bag of clothes at the nursery.

I told him that his OH needs to realise the age of our kids and that if I need to tell him something then I will. In comparison to my 5 texts, he sent me 7.

I do think this is more to do with her feeling insecure/the relationship not working, rather than me being a pest.

Phoning the land line doesn't help cos if she answers, he's just rude and cheeky and it's obvious she's not happy. This is why I just text.

She's 11 years older than him (14 older than me), her son is 3 years younger than me. Not that this should have anything to do with it, but I think this is why she feels insecure. This and the fact that I left him when I found out about the affair. He begged me to stay but I said no. They carried on seeing one another even though he was asking me to move back in. I did tell her all this when she was rude to me and called me frigid lol.

I think i've actually answered my own question here.......

jcr16

maybe it isn't him that has a problem , perhaps his g/f is insecure.

not sure whats normal contact or not, as not in that situation. i guess tho you need to have a certain amount to contact because of your children. i'd say 5 texts in 4 weeks isn't much.

mummyroysof3

in relation to things being on his peg, can he not just look if there is something there instead of you texting him? (my hubby would need telling)

i dont think you are being unreasonable though x

headoutthesand

mummyroysof3 wrote: »

in relation to things being on his peg, can he not just look if there is something there instead of you texting him? (my hubby would need telling)

It's a LA Nursery meaning there are 75 children in the cloakroom at the same time. Things often get knocked off the peg when they are collecting jackets, changing into outdoor shoes etc so it's easier for me to tell him if there is something there so he knows to look for it.

He would probably phone me anyway if there was a bag on the peg that he wasn't sure about.

clearingout

5 texts in 4 weeks about the children's ties and bags on their pegs? obviously you haven't 'moved on' and have a desperate need to communicate with him and attempt to get back with him.

I would sarcastically point out that he's sent you 7 texts in comparison to your 5 over the same time period and you are therefore seriously considering speaking to a solicitor concerning a Non-Molestation Order.

And she, frankly, gets what she deserves. If you have an affair with a married man, you've never going to be able to trust him, are you?!

clearingout

clearingout wrote: »

5 texts in 4 weeks about the children's ties and bags on their pegs? obviously you haven't 'moved on' and have a desperate need to communicate with him and attempt to get back with him.

that was sarcastic, obviously. When I read it back it perhaps came across as the opposite. Sorry!

mummyroysof3

headoutthesand wrote: »

It's a LA Nursery meaning there are 75 children in the cloakroom at the same time. Things often get knocked off the peg when they are collecting jackets, changing into outdoor shoes etc so it's easier for me to tell him if there is something there so he knows to look for it.

He would probably phone me anyway if there was a bag on the peg that he wasn't sure about.

in that case i think its not a problem to text him, have you asked him what he would prefer you to do?

wow thats a busy nursery, there is only 20 in the session my DD goes to:)

peachyprice

Both he and she have to realise that there are 2 children involved here, if you and your ex are to be good parents to your children you will be in each other's lives FOREVER, or until the children are adults at the very least.

5 texts in 4 weeks is not too much, if this is putting a strain on his relationship with his new partner it says far more about the state of their relationship than the state of yours with him.

I have been separated/divorced for 13 years and remarried and still speak to my ex 2-3 times a week, sometimes about the children, sometimes just a general chat about what is going on in our lives. His wife is fine with it, my husband is fine with it, tough if they weren't really. Our boys know they have 2 parents who communicate and will always do the best for THEM, not anyone else in their lives.

belfastgirl23

Personally I think you should agree with him that you will make arrangements for the next pickup when you see each other but add onto the end of it *and will only text in an emergency* which obviously covers bags etc etc. Why get into a debate about it, you're going to have to keep doing it so just agree and then do your own thing. That way he can tell her that you've agreed.

BTW what I wondered is whether he's telling her that you're texting when it's someone else