The "good" break up - can it be done?

Tropez

I would say it can be done. I'm not the easiest person to get along with but am still on speaking terms with most of my ex's, although none are particularly close friends.

To be honest though, I'm not sure the scrapbook is a good idea, although it largely depends on the individual in question (we're all different after all) but in my mind it would make it more difficult if you were to move on romantically before him. It isn't uncommon for someone to feel jealousy when their ex finds a new partner before they do and in my mind a collection of happy memories could exacerbate any emotional problems that might arise. At the end of the day, even when you know it was right to end a relationship, you can still be reminded why you were in it to begin with.

Nottoobadyet

Sublime wrote: »

I get the feeling that perhaps you don't want your relationship to end?

Sometimes I dont, but to be honest whenever I do its when I think "I wish we could be together another 6 months / 1 year / etc, which isn't so romantic!

It does sound like you're in a better place now - good on you and I admire your strength!

Could you handle just being friends and being in contact with him on that level. Or would that make things worse in the long run

I wish I knew! I would love it if we ended up friends after all this.

could you wish him joy and happiness and walk away? if not then you need to think about what you are doing. if you could walk away then do it now! its not kind to keep people hoping!

I would very much hope I could, though of course I would need time to get there. In my defence, I've been very open about how I feel we are going as a couple so I don't think I am keeping him hoping - at least I hope not.

Thank you both, Vixarooni and pupsicola, for sharing your stories. I'm so glad to have a resource full of wise women like you all on here!

scooby088

Have you drifted apart because of the move abroad? I think that maybe the biggest factor in the split, as from my point of view you seem to still want to be with him!

pupsicola

Tropez wrote: »

At the end of the day, even when you know it was right to end a relationship, you can still be reminded why you were in it to begin with.

I agree with this. Can be a blessing and a curse though.

Nottoobadyet

Tropez wrote: »

I'm not sure the scrapbook is a good idea, although it largely depends on the individual in question (we're all different after all) but in my mind it would make it more difficult if you were to move on romantically before him. It isn't uncommon for someone to feel jealousy when their ex finds a new partner before they do and in my mind a collection of happy memories could exacerbate any emotional problems that might arise.

Very true - he is the scrapbooky type (he loves mushy keepsakes and has a shoebox full of them in his parents home from his high school and army days girlfriends), but you're right that it may seem at a later date that the pictures would be staring out taunting you about what you once had. I'll have to have a think about it.

Nottoobadyet

scooby088 wrote: »

Have you drifted apart because of the move abroad? I think that maybe the biggest factor in the split, as from my point of view you seem to still want to be with him!

Bit of a chicken and egg thing really - he's known for ages that this is something I desperately have wanted to do and that I need to do to advance professionally, but we had drifted so far apart that we couldn't really have a conversation about how we could make a move work for both of us. In the end, I arranged it unilaterally, so in many ways it does feel like its me pulling the plug - though yes the move is the reason this is happening now, rather than another time.

As you can tell Im sure, :cool: I am still torn up about what I want. What I know, though, is that I don't feel like he is a life partner for me and that I don't want to keep standing in the way of him finding someone to start a family with.

pupsicola

If you do split up say everything to each other that you feel you really need to. Not knowing why my relationship went wrong and if I could have saved it held me back and caused endless heartbreak. At the end of the day I didn't have the courage to talk it out with him and face it all. Sad when we had been together 14 years.

Nottoobadyet

Thank you for sharing that, Pupsicola. I will do my best to follow your advice. I'm so sorry that it was so hard for you, especially after such a long relationship.

ford_prefect_3

"he is the scrapbooky type (he loves mushy keepsakes and has a shoebox full of them in his parents home from his high school and army days girlfriends)"

Speaking as a male who still has boxes of junk kicking about in several places it may be more of a case that he simply hasnt binned the old stuff.

I dont think he needs a scrapbook, he will have his own memories regardless.

Ultimately you both need to get on with the break up, make sure you dont end up bickering over stupid stuff and move on to your next phase.

onlyroz

It can be done, but only if you're both absolutely happy to just be friends. If one of you is still holding a torch for the other then it won't work.

My ex keeps trying to "be friends" with me, and while I bear him no particular ill will I just wish he'd go away and let me get on with my life.