The "good" break up - can it be done?

Nottoobadyet

I'm hoping to tap into your collective wisdom on something that I have been thinking about for some time.

I have been with a wonderful, caring man for the last 6 years. After 6 years of love and adventures, we've come to the conclusion that neither of us see ourselves spending our lives together. Obviously this isn't something we've taken lightly, and we've had many tears about it, but I truly think that the best way forward for us will be apart.

I really, really hope that in future years we can look back at our time together fondly, and get over each other without hating each other, which I know is tough.

In a about two months time (I don't have an exact date yet), I will be taking up a relocation with work to Africa, and he will be staying in the UK. This will be a natural time to draw things to a close between us, as heartbreaking as that will be.

Now I want to tap into your collective wisdom on this: this is my first relationship (we got together when I was 17 and he was 24), and so I have never gone through a break up before I don't know what I can do to make it easier on both of us. I was thinking of putting together a scrap book of our years together to give to him as a keepsake, would something like that just draw out the pain and make it harder to let go? Should we do our best to completely drop all contact once I'm gone? Do I delete all the facebook pictures of us together, as if it never happened? Do I cut off any contact with his friends, many of whom are of course my friends as well? He has been in other relationships, though none nearly as long as ours.

I really, really love and care for him, him and want to make this as easy as I can, though of course I am crying while typing this!

SugarSpun

My ex and I split up after nine years, in part because my job had taken me to a different country and he had no desire to go with me but also we were the very best of friends and whatever it is that makes a relationship more than a close friendship was gone.

We both knew it was coming but finally split up very amicably one night after he'd come to my new place and afterwards effectively nothing changed except we were both relieved to be able to move on with our romantic lives while keeping the other as a friend. He asked for relationship advice when his next girlfriend turned out to be a bit of an odd one and he was invited to my wedding but wasn't able to attend. Photos of us together and from trips we took together are still up on Facebook, we're still FB friends (he is also still FB friends with my mother) and he's since come to stay with my husband and me twice. Our mutual friends are still our mutual friends except for the one girl who chose to delete me and publicly declare herself Team [Ex] as though we were drawing battle lines.

The scrapbook sounds a bit excessive, but there's no reason to cut off contact altogether. It'll peter out by itself naturally over time to a level that suits you both and if it isn't working best to draw a natural conclusion to things.

Sublime_2

I spilt up with my ex after 15 years. I had relationships before him, but he was the longest, and it was a relief to break up with him.

We get on a lot better since we separated. We have to because of the kids. I don't stop speaking to mutual friends/family just because we're not together. That would be daft.

Not sure about the scrapbook idea. Its probably because you feel a bit wobbly inside even though you know its for the best. I sometimes feel like mine is still here, because he rings me nearly every day to ask how the kids are, etc.

Hope all goes well.

Nottoobadyet

Thank you both for the replies. I'm really glad to hear it can be done. You're totally right, sublime, on the wobbles. They are all over the place!

Just a question - you both mention that it was a relief or the spark was gone by the time you finally split. I don't feel that at all. How can I bring that feeling forward?

I should have noted that there are no children involved (thank goodness), I should have put that in the first post.

jenhug

i don't quite see why you want to split.

pupsicola

Wish my split with my ex had been so amicable as you are suggesting. I hope things go smoothly for you both. I wouldn't over do it with the scrapbook it may give mixed messages. If you plan to stay good friends then sit and discuss how you would both like to keep in touch. Take your time and dont rush into anything, like deleting pictures from facebook. Your relationship is part of your life. Hopefully something you dont regret. Gradually replace photos with new ones.

I wish you luck

Nottoobadyet

jenhug wrote: »

i don't quite see why you want to split.

Very astute point, I thought that might come up.

Its a variety of things - we have big differences in the way we see our lives going (children / no children, living in the developed world / living in the developing world, etc etc), we can't go more than a month without fighting, we've grown apart. I guess most importantly, we can't see ourselves waking up to one another in 10 years!

You're right though, that there's no big push factor, which is part of what makes this so hard. We could easily bumble along for anther few years until we properly hate each other, but it seems a bit soulless and sad when we could be moving on with our lives.

Sublime_2

Nottoobadyet wrote: »

Thank you both for the replies. I'm really glad to hear it can be done. You're totally right, sublime, on the wobbles. They are all over the place!

Just a question - you both mention that it was a relief or the spark was gone by the time you finally split. I don't feel that at all. How can I bring that feeling forward?

I should have noted that there are no children involved (thank goodness), I should have put that in the first post.

I still get wobbles inside, even now, after a year. Our relationship had gone bad, I won't bore you with why, but I felt trapped, and it was a relief.

We get on now, although my daughter said the other day "Daddy is always grumpy with you, and cuts you off when you're talking", so it was the right thing to do for me. I certainly won't be adding him to my facebook page, not to be mean, but I'd feel like I was being spied on.

I get the feeling that perhaps you don't want your relationship to end?

pupsicola

Nottoobadyet wrote: »

we can't go more than a month without fighting

:eek:

You two are doing fabulously well. Sounds like you are just out of the honeymoon period rather than having been together 6 years.

It is heartbreaking splitting up even when you know it is for the best. Lots of honesty and consideration of each other will help you both go through this time in your lives without feeling too much pain. Could you handle just being friends and being in contact with him on that level. Or would that make things worse in the long run.

meritaten

A Trial separation? to see how you both feel in a year or so? tbh both of you sound like idealists who cant agree on the ideals! and if compromise isnt an option - then separate!
he is staying here and you are going - how about agreeing to meet up after you have done your stint - but with no expectations! he may well have found another woman by then - how would that make you feel? could you wish him joy and happiness and walk away? if not then you need to think about what you are doing. if you could walk away then do it now! its not kind to keep people hoping!

vixarooni

I was with my boyfriend for five years, we lived together and moved into his parents to start and save for a mortgage. He asked me to marry him on holiday in june but i said no as i had doubts if this is what i really wanted so i said no. We stayed together after that and chatted about things, i shed many tears discussing it with my friends! Then one night we just had this conversation and split up, we both cried our eyes out but he didnt try and save anything, and so i knew he felt the same as i did. After that we played a kareoke game on the xbox and still slept in the same bed for a few days before i moved out of his parents house!

That was 4 months ago, and were getting to that point where the friendship isnt going anywhere. Its a shame, i've always thought he would be in my life but now im not so sure.

I wouldnt do the keepsake thing, its a tad weird i think. He'll have his own photos and memories, just like you will! I wish you luck for the move and the break up, i hope it goes as well as mine has.