mediation

denton6

have got my appointment through for mediation next week. am already starting to panic about it, i know they dont take sides and are there to help but i dont even think i can be in the same room with ex right now. mediation told me we could be in seperate rooms and the mediatior can go between but i kind of think that will only make me look childish. i def feel better when i have no contact with him, but with the two little ones that isnt very practical. i just know im going to get upset or say something i shouldnt and he will just sit there saying all the right answers and look like the good guy. just wish my life was simple.

soupdragon10

Why is chosing not to be in the same room childish? Please don't think that, if seeing your ex makes you uncomfortable then ask for separate rooms. Mediation is not supposed to be a harrowing experience it's there to try and resolve your difficulties and I am assuming sort out details of access etc.

Why not make some written notes to take along, not necessarily to be set in stone, but to give a framework for your position and what you want to achieve and want to suggest.

Very best of luck next week.

jazzyjustlaw

denton6 wrote: »

have got my appointment through for mediation next week. am already starting to panic about it, i know they dont take sides and are there to help but i dont even think i can be in the same room with ex right now. mediation told me we could be in seperate rooms and the mediatior can go between but i kind of think that will only make me look childish. i def feel better when i have no contact with him, but with the two little ones that isnt very practical. i just know im going to get upset or say something i shouldnt and he will just sit there saying all the right answers and look like the good guy. just wish my life was simple.

You should have had an intake session without your ex. You could explain how you feel there or even clal the mediator. They deal with cases all the time and they know what an emotional time it is. Just try and remain calm throughout the process.

soupdragon10

Also meant to say if there are any financial discussions etc this might be another thing to jot down notes about, if this hasn't already been sorted out.

belfastgirl23

Why not start in separate rooms and then see how you go? You might well find you do have the strength to do so and it's only the worrying about it that's going to make it worse. It's like going for a walk, if you promise yourself 10 mins it's easier to get out of the house but once you're out, you can probably walk further, it's the thought of it that's the problem.

Good luck!

denton6

we did attend seperate meetings but that was ages ago, he then decided he wouldnt go to mediation with me. i rang up mediation and the man was really lovely, he said best to try and be in the one room this time, if i got upset i could go out for a little bit.am abit worried have a email he sent me months ago saying he couldnt wait to get me to mediation so they could see how unfair i was been over letting him see the boys. those times he means are when he asked to have them but i already had plans, they were genuine things and not made up to be awkward but oviously not how he saw it. my solicitor did say to me because we have been together so long he knows me too well, he knows what to say and do to push all the right/ wrong buttons. im also a little bit worrieds
that he will bring his 21 year old with him, just to wind me up abit more. why cant i just let it all go. i would have saved myself so much heartache along the way.still not sleeping great i used to have no problem, now i wake at about 5 and just lie there going over and over things in my head. i even wake every morning thinking of him. so strange i would never ever have him back, though he would say exactly the same , but he still seems to be in my head constantly. am going for hypno therapy on tue morning, pity they cant wipe my mind so that i wouldnt even recognise him. sounds bad but that would make me feel so much better.

belfastgirl23

OK two things.

Firstly this is a very stressful situation you're going into. You're imagining all sorts of scenarios because you're trying to rationalise the fact that you feel upset about it. But I wonder if you just say to yourself 'I feel stressed because I know it will be emotionally upsetting' would it help to just put a name on it? You don't need to justify being upset, being upset is a natural reaction to what's happened to you. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but sometimes you can wind yourself up too much by overthinking all that can happen. Try to focus on the fact that you can and will come through it.

The second thing is that you are in control in the situation. If the 21 year old is there and you don't want her to be there then calmly say so. No one is interested in forcing you to do things against your will. OK so your husband wound you up about the access issue. And indeed maybe there was a part of you that was happy enough that he didn't get to see his children (very few people are perfect and this would be entirely normal). But realistically what would be the point in going over old ground in mediation? Airing old grievances? The point of it is to find a way forward that everyone can live with. A good mediator should stop this kind of point scoring before it starts. They aren't there to judge who is the winner or the loser in the relationship!

I'd just say to you that at the minute you are being 'done to'. But you need to stop, take a breath, and start taking control. This process is as much about YOU and YOUR wishes as it is about his. Yes you need to find the strength to vocalise what you want. Don't forget, you have a right to be heard, and you are powerful. Don't let that be taken away by your fear.

In the meantime (I mean tonight if you're still awake) can you try to totally switch your mind off from this? A good trick I find is to try some kind of equivalent of counting sheep - trying to remember the names of 20 people in your class at school, or your top characters in coronation street, or working your way through the alphabet trying to figure out the states of the USA or whatever. Just something to switch your mind from worry.

It's a big ask but have faith. Many many people have been where you are now and have come out the other side a bit battered and bruised but basically intact. I remember being in your shoes and thinking I could never come through it. But I did. And you will too. Trust me on that!

Good luck!

clearingout

try and give mediation a go - one of my biggest regrets is that I have never got the ex into mediation or counselling and we've never talked. 2 years later, neither of us has successfully 'moved on' because there's sooooo much which has never been said. He won't go because he knows he'd have to face up to the carp that he's put me through and that would shatter his 'nice guy' image of himself. The worst thing is the impact on the children - their handovers are very fraught and it's not nice. I do my best, but sometimes it's not enough. This far down the line, things should be different.

Mediators are used to people in different rooms - if you really can't hack it, rather than walk out, ask for time out or another room for a while whilst you calm down or have a bit of a weep. You'll be glad in the long term that you managed it, I think, and it's your long term that's important now. And if nothing else, the cost savings compared with doing this through solicitors is great! Keep going and let us know how you get on. xxx

denton6

went to mediaton last week, i emailed asking if he wanted a lift, he declined. suggested we met outside before we went in he said yer he would do that 5 or ten mins before appointment. he arrived dead on appointment time. we were in about 1 and half hours. didnt get alot sorted he is gonna email me his days he can see boys two weeks in advance which will be better to plan things. he did keep saying in medaition about ++++ his girlfriend which just hurt even more. he now has the boys, he collected them from my mams when i was at work this morning. just sat here feeling so alone and sad, i have never been on my own, never ever ,think that is why i find it so hard. am trying to keep busy but everything going over and over in my head. in mediation i did say that i didnt think he thought i was a good mam, he said he did think i was , then i said i was just a bad wife then, he said he didnt think i was that either. came out of mediation and i asked him for a hug, why !!! he looked abit sad and said he didnt think that was a good idea. this is the man i trusted 150% , the man who always kept me and boys safe. the amount of people who think it would be great to have time without there kids, its so different when it isnt your choice. dr gave me some sleeping tablets the other day, my councillor suggested i try and cut down the gp visits as he thinks once a fortnight is to often when he is seeing me to. gp said that was fine and he wil see me ever three weeks, he kept saying he trusted the councillors in this decision and that he trusted me with the sleeping tablets. for some reason the word trust keeps going round and round in my head. i dont think i trust me.

soupdragon10

Sounds as though you handled a very difficult situation very well, and got a good outcome for your little ones.

I bet you are feeling low - I always did when my DD went off to visit her DF but I always planned in advance some activities to keep myself busy, usually something that was best done when little fingers aren't around.

You don't say how old your little ones are, but is there any chance you could get involved in some activities locally, again to take your mind off things.

I went through a phase of doing endless jigsaw puzzles which meant that I could focus on this and forget everything else around me. Now spend lots of time online instead.

onetomany

ive pm you hun x