Advice on son's constant crying

Jinx

My daughter went through a stage of this when she didnt get her own way. She did it so she would get out of whatever she had been asked to do. I tackled it by saying 'you can cry if you want but you will still do whatever......'. In the end she stopped as she knew it didnt get her out of it! I sometimes prefer the direct I know what you are doing approach to the distracting one (though shes nearly 19 now lol).

And I said 'no' lots, didnt seem to do any harm...

beckseven

onlyroz wrote: »

Tell him to stop being a whinger and send him to his room until he stops.

This one made me chuckle! have tried that one though! Thanks for all the advice everyone-it's great to find out what has worked for other people. I'll keep you updated with how it's going.

KiKi

beckseven wrote: »

I must admit that I'm getting so irritated with the crying fits that I can be quite annoyed when he starts up 'I hate you, I don't want to go home i want to go to someone else's house etcetc' The thing is once I get him home he is absolutely fine but it's when you mention changing activity that he gets annoyed. yesterday he had to leave his friends house to go to his swimming lesson and he said 'I hate swimming i don't want to go' but I know he does like swimming and he really enjoyed his lesson. it's getting to the stage where I don't want him to go and play with his friends because of the trauma of picking him up!

Okay, I've shifted my opinion now you've said this! And it doesn't sound to me like he's an 'explosive' child at all. It simply sounds like he's in the habit, even though it no longer means anything, as he enjoys the swimming, or the getting home! Esp with the 'I hate you' language - that doesn't sound like a confused child who can't cope with change, that's a child who's annoyed!

Perhaps it needs to be a discipline, then, rather than re-framing his day. Perhaps you need to reward him NOT whinging - and tell him that this is what you'll be doing. Tell him that for when you go swimming later, you don't want him to cry about it. And if he can do that, he gets a small reward for each day he doesn't fuss.

Something else to consider!
KiKi

ixwood

What happens when he acts up? Does he get punished?

Everyone learns by cause and effect, so the "effects" of undesirable behaviour should be made unpleasant and obviously good behaviour should create good effects.

kids aren't stupid. They quickly learn what's the best option for them.

dktreesea

My son used to be a bit like that. It's probably just frustration, at feeling like he can never do what he wants, when he wants. Having an older sibling doesn't help in that regard, as the older one usually has a lot more freedom. What fixed it? He just grew older. With age comes more freedom.

Gingham_Ribbon

ixwood wrote: »

kids aren't stupid. They quickly learn what's the best option for them.

If a child hasn't learnt yet, for example, how to understand what 'You've got 5 minutes left on the computer', because his perception of time is not developed enough, and if he has trouble moving from one way of thinking to another because his brain hasn't made those connections yet, and you add that to difficulty understanding how he's being perceived by others, you can see how frustration, anger or anxiety can result. And punishment won't change the fact that the child can't do it in the first place.

Our children want to be happy and they want to do well. Some kids whinge to get their own way. Some just find some things harder than others and punishing them for not being able to do it doesn't help them learn. Some parents apparently try the usual methods of reward and punishment for years without success. They dont' work for every child.

DVardysShadow

onlyroz wrote: »

Tell him to stop being a whinger and send him to his room until he stops.

I would say this is likely to be a completely counterproductive approach, particularly if there is a reason for it.

KiKi wrote: »

I completely second this. My eldest goddaughter has to know at all times what's happening, what's next, and what her day will be like in order for her to feel settled.

I warn her about everything. "We're going to Sainsburys now, then when we come back we're going to have dinner, then it will be bathtime at 7pm, and then you'll be going to bed." Then at Sainsburys it will be "we're going to the checkout now, then when we get home we're having dinner, then a bath at 7, then bed."

She really doesn't cope with not knowing her structure and just being told to 'get her coat' - it completely throws her security. My youngest GD doesn't care at all!!

I notice the difference between the 2 GD's. I would say that the eldest and the OP's son are probably making plans and thinking ahead in what they do and what to see their current activity through. Youngest GD is more happy go lucky, flexible and less committed to the plan.

I would agree with the approach of giving 10 minutes and 5 minutes warning of the end - it teaches the ability to incorporate new information into the plan and the ability to be flexible.

If you go with the approach of sending them to their room without understanding the reasons for their reaction, I think you will end up with a resentful child who may withdraw because they feel that what is important to them is being completely ignored.

themull1

It all sounds like normal, whingy, childhood behaviour to me. I say 'no' and if the kids cry etc, i just say ' i'm not going to talk to you until you stop crying'. They normally get sick first, i would never turn a 'no' into a positive, that doesn't teach them anything. Start punishing for bad behaviour - naughty stair etc, they soon learn.

Savvy_Sue

beckseven wrote: »

I must admit that I'm getting so irritated with the crying fits that I can be quite annoyed when he starts up 'I hate you, I don't want to go home i want to go to someone else's house etcetc'

I would tell him that when he talks like that, and cries, that no-one else's mother will WANT him at their house!

beckseven wrote: »

it's getting to the stage where I don't want him to go and play with his friends because of the trauma of picking him up!

and I'd tell him that too!

He's five. you can reason with a five year old on some things. they can, on the whole, get the if ... then connection. OK, some of them can't, but I think most can!

If ignoring it and distraction don't work, then tell it like it is!

although the plan ahead stuff may work just as well: my eldest liked to know, and hated 'woolly' answers: we'll go to the park if I'm not too tired, for example. but he had to be told that telling me he was moving out, over and over again, was NOT ON! because no-one else would put up with him, and no-one else would love him like me!