Advice on son's constant crying

beckseven

Just thought id post quickly to see if anyone had had a similar problem to this. My 5 yr old son is a lovely bright little boy but has always been a bit of a cry baby and whinger. He has always been quicker to cry than other children. Everytime I pick him up from school he asks to go to someone's house to play and when i say no he cries all the way back to the car (a good 7 minute walk...). If he does go to someone's house when it is time to go home it is a massive palavar and he screams and cries and makes it really unpleasant traumatic experience. I'm not a monster and we do have a happy home:) but i'm starting to feel discouraged and and upset that everytime I look forward to picking him up from school he doesn't want to come with me and cries and wails-it's every day now and i'm fed up! Has anyone had a similar experience? To top it all the vicar at the school has witnessed a couple of episodes and asked me whether he was in 'an unhappy place' at the moment. I was mortified because I'm starting to worry he's unhappy at home for some reason.

Nicki

Not had this with my children, but I wonder whether he might cope better at leaving his play dates if he knows in advance when you will be leaving and gets a five minute warning before it is time to start getting ready to go, so that he has a chance to close down whatever he is doing. For the leaving school thing, you could try the now and later approach. So you tell him, first, we are doing this, and then we will do x ( x being something he really likes to do.) so not a bribe to behave as such but just a way of putting some structure into his day for him to stop him getting too stressed?

ameliarate

what do you do when he cries like this? I am just wondering whether your response is perhaps to give him something - treats or attention perhaps?

niklepic

My son does this too (he's also 5). We use the now and later approach that Nicki suggests and it really does help. We also warn him when it's time to leave friends etc - 15 mins then 10 mins then 5 mins so he knows its coming. On the way home from school he's actually quite easy to distract from his whinging if I ignore it and talk to him like it's not happening - "oh can you see a squirrel in that tree over there", "what colour do you think that car is", "guess what we're having for tea" etc.

NAR

OP what is the common factor? He is leaving places where there are other children to play with. He is a sociable child by the sound of things, so hurry up and make more babies!

KiKi

Nicki wrote: »

Not had this with my children, but I wonder whether he might cope better at leaving his play dates if he knows in advance when you will be leaving and gets a five minute warning before it is time to start getting ready to go, so that he has a chance to close down whatever he is doing. For the leaving school thing, you could try the now and later approach. So you tell him, first, we are doing this, and then we will do x ( x being something he really likes to do.) so not a bribe to behave as such but just a way of putting some structure into his day for him to stop him getting too stressed?

I completely second this. My eldest goddaughter has to know at all times what's happening, what's next, and what her day will be like in order for her to feel settled.

I warn her about everything. "We're going to Sainsburys now, then when we come back we're going to have dinner, then it will be bathtime at 7pm, and then you'll be going to bed." Then at Sainsburys it will be "we're going to the checkout now, then when we get home we're having dinner, then a bath at 7, then bed."

She really doesn't cope with not knowing her structure and just being told to 'get her coat' - it completely throws her security. My youngest GD doesn't care at all!!

In addition, does he want attention from you? Does it provoke a reaction from you? As the previous poster suggested, don't give him more attention or reward the tears, but use distractions, like pointing things out on the way home, talking about dinner. Don't try and placate him by promising things you can't always deliver on (like "you can go to Daniel's house next week").

Is he actually crying in distress, or is it just whinging? If it is just whinging, then some structure, and not pandering to him might help. Some kids are just sensitive, or go through a phase of tears about everything, esp if they're at a time in life where things are changing (new school or new home etc).

Hope you get it sorted!
KiKi

jackieglasgow

I think you've have some very good advice I also have a boy who likes to whinge and whine, and if he whines he is told "use a normal voice" - he knows now if he wants us to listen to what he is saying that a whingey voice will not work, and almost never does it now, same with crying, he gets teary at times, and if it is not for a valid reason he is told I won't listen until he is speaking properly and clearly. Of course, if he is crying because he is genuinely hurt or sad, he gets love and hugs and comfort, but he knows that acting up won't work.

Gingham_Ribbon

Does he cry when other things stop/change during the day? eg does he find it difficult to move from playing to coming to the table for dinner or from watching tv to going for a bath?

I'm reading The Explosive Child at the moment, about 'chronically inflexible children' and it describes this sort of behaviour in it. Although it seems to be mainly for parents/carers of children who 'explode' when faced with situations where they need to be flexible, it also applies to children who cry instead of becoming angry.

Just one possible avenue to consider, perhaps. We don't have this issue with our children, but thinking back, I was like that.

beckseven

Thanks for all the great advice. the post by gingham ribbon really caught my eye though because this describes my son's behaviour to a tee. i do give him warnings etc and have tried setting a timer as well because someone recommended it to me to say 'when the timer goes off in 5 mins we are going to start getting ready to go home.' i'm going to read that book because i'm sick of the constant battles. i don't give him treats when he cries because I think it is terrible behaviour! NAr he has a little sister who is two who he does get on well with so he does have a playmate at home! When he plays with people and it is time to pick him up I ring his friend's mums to warn them that i am about to set off so they can 'prepare' him as well as he is renowned for it! Off to get the 'explosive child'!

ema_o

We used to get told "stop crying or you'll get something to cry about" lol! I'm guessing that's not much use now, but we also used to have 10 minute & 5 minute warnings and that made things easier!

Gingham_Ribbon

I'm glad that's helpful, beckseven. The book has taught me a lot.