Bullying at work - how to play it

bluetownbarry

hippygran wrote: »

Hi NoNoDrama

Most bullies actually like to know that their actions DO upset you, so try not to let her see you are upset!

Regarding back chat just be very careful of what you say and how you say it.

It is possible to be firm without being aggressive.

There would be nothing wrong in saying to her that you object to her tone/manner, as long as you are not arguing or refusing to carry out instructions she is giving you.

You may find that by standing up to her it will be sufficient to get her off your back.

However, if she uses offensive language to you, then you should raise a grievance, and if she also bullies other members of staff, perhaps others would also raise a grievance at the same time.

If its a large company, you would expect their HR department to be more than capable of dealing with this. You should have in possession a staff handbook, or at the very least literature in your place of work, which will give full details of the company's policies, including the one they should have on 'bullying and harassment in the work place'.

In my last company, the guidelines in this policy were SO strict, that a bunch of us, (including me as the manager), felt unable to go out socially without inviting a girl we didn't particularly like (nor dislike - she was quite standoffish so we didn't know her very well), because the policy stated that 'exclusion' was included in the company definition of bullying.

That being the case, I'm pretty certain verbal abuse, telling off in front of others e.t.c. would all be described as bullying.

Hope this helps.:)

Great response - totally agree.

NoNoDrama

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Yeah, but - how is she bullying you?

Instances involve relentless criticism and humiliation in front of other colleagues. (telling me off like a child). I'm in fear of asking a question incase of the inevitable negative response.

I'll check the grievance procedure tomorrow. Will also try a few non-offence comebacks and speaking up.

It's affecting my ability to do my work as my head is always spinning which is making it harder as it's giving her ammunition to have another pop.

ERICS_MUM

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Have you got another job to go to/savings to live off? If you leave you can be sanctioned by the benefits agencies for up to 26 weeks I think it is.

I wouldn't leave just yet if I were you. Take your manager aside and tell that you're still finding the ropes and that you feel as though her comments are unfair criticisms of your work, which is upsetting you.

At least TRY to resolve the issue. She may just be an aggressive character in general, who doesn't realise she's overstepped your tolerance level.

This is what I'd do.

Good luck, let us know what you decide to do.

Linda xx

teabelly

Say nothing. Get out a notepad and write it down. Puts the wind up a bully like nothing else. But at the same time you're behaving like a doormat. Don't be surprised when people walk all over you if you do not stand up for yourself. Bullies always go for the quiet ones that they think won't say anything.

Criticising someone in front of other staff members is bullying. It is also a sign of an unprofessional manager. Professional managers would offer negative feedback in private.

miggy

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Yeah, but - how is she bullying you?

See original post:

NoNoDrama wrote: »

Instances involve relentless criticism and humiliation in front of other colleagues. (telling me off like a child). I'm in fear of asking a question incase of the inevitable negative response.

DVardysShadow

NoNoDrama wrote: »

I'll check the grievance procedure tomorrow. Will also try a few non-offence comebacks and speaking up.

It's affecting my ability to do my work as my head is always spinning which is making it harder as it's giving her ammunition to have another pop.

No backchat or comebacks. Just stand up and face her and say in a mild but firm voice "OK <boss>, this sort of talk has to stop, if you want a chat, then take it to a private room. I find this relentless harassment and humiliation in front of colleagues to be unprofessional, and you are to stop it right now.".

If I was in your office, I would say "well said" and you can bet that even if no one adds anything, they will be thinking it.

ceridwen

NoNoDrama wrote: »

One other option is back-chat ... I'm quite good at this maybe responding to her with some quick witty responses will help? Humiliate her infront of the team like she does with me...maybe she will lay off then?

Any help or experience people have had with similar situations like mine would be appreciated

I dont know how suitable the usual tactics against a bully would be in these circumstances - ie Union support, keep a diary of events, etc. With you being so new in the job and the bullies being team leader and second in command then its a much more difficult situation to deal with.

If you do definitely decide to leave - then DO NOT resign, get sacked instead. If you resign then the DWP will likely impose a benefit disqualification on you of up to 6 months:eek:.

If you are sacked, on the other hand, it will be a much lower one and hopefully you might manage not to get a "benefit disqualification" at all - as it wouldnt be your fault the job had gone.

So - I can only speak personally. But - if you are indeed good at backchat then do that. Give them the backchat. With any luck they will shut up - WIN! If they dont shut up and carry right on with this then at some point they probably "frame you" to get you sacked - and you have been sacked, instead of having resigned.

Either way - you havent resigned and there is just a chance that the backchatting will shut them up and you can stay in the job.

DO save what money you can now - so that you have a bit of emergency savings to fall back on in case you end up getting sacked. The first thing you do to save is to get a good Store Cupboard (ie well stocked-up with food and household necessities) - as that is a form of savings that doesnt count against that measly £6,000 "capital limit" as to how much one is allowed to have in the way of savings and get full benefit due.

NB; Bearing in mind DVardysShadow comments - DO keep backchat totally "neutral" - nothing that could be considered to be offensive in a "court of law" or in front of the local vicar IYSWIM.

ceridwen

teabelly wrote: »

Say nothing. Get out a notepad and write it down. Puts the wind up a bully like nothing else. But at the same time you're behaving like a doormat. Don't be surprised when people walk all over you if you do not stand up for yourself. Bullies always go for the quiet ones that they think won't say anything.

Criticising someone in front of other staff members is bullying. It is also a sign of an unprofessional manager. Professional managers would offer negative feedback in private.

Good post - only thing I would disagree with is "Bullies always go for the quiet ones". I'm no-one's definition of a "quiet one" - either ITRW or online - but have had instances anyway (sometimes one just cant tell just why someone is acting the way they are - online maybe its down to prejudices against what they think I'm like based on my "name"?????)

November5th

I have come across variety of bullies in over fifteen years working, the office environment seems to particularly allow this childish behaviour to fester.

Bully No 1: I just put up with it, this boss eventually moved on to another target. The boss was actually a really nice guy, the bullying was just a weird aspect of his personality. This bullying was just meant to undermine you a bit and was not severe.

Bully No 2. Extreme and highly sexual bullying. Made frequent formal complaints. He really backed off when I started making handycam videos in the office and pointed out the webcam on my new PC. This guy eventually left but nothing was ever done even when I pointed out that we might have to get the police involved because...

Bully No 3 was the boss and I am taking him to an employment tribunal. He bullied a colleague into leaving. Standing up to this one would have you classed as the bully, the bullier as victim. A complete nightmare with no solution. This one would scream in your ear, stand behind you extremely close and say 'I'm watching you', very creepy. A pathological liar, a psychopath really. Come across one of these and you have to leave, just stand up to them first. When my colleague resigned he escalated into full on mental, he just couldn't handle the rejection.

Basically if it is just a bit of undermining you can cope with it and these bullies get bored and move on. They are just insecure and it can be worked out without formal grievances. Start getting chummy with their No 2.

If the bully is extreme and is an escalating type you need to leave. You do not want to be in an organisation that structurally allows this to go on, and as they do, complaints will just become a mess of accusations and could severely damage your health. Believe me I put up with that one a year longer than I should have and it ended with my dismissal on fabricated charges. AVOID!

November5th

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

How have I demonstrated that I knew was a case of verbal bullying? I have only a general idea of the situation as per the original post.

I just asked how it was happening.....ie how.....which to me is

'well, we were all asked X, and I said y, and she said z'.



*As this is not a court - you can't put it to me - you are not judge and jury here. This is an open forum and if you can't even ask for more details on the topic that the OP wants support on then what's the point?

I see your point, it would help to identify what sort of bully we are dealing with.