Angry 9 year old :(

DesperateMum_4

fsdss wrote:

desperate mum

from what you are saying, i doubt that your sons behaviour is linked to diet (although i would strongly suggest that you keep monitoring it).

when you went to your parenting course did you receive a pack detailing behaviour management techniques? if so i would recommend that you sit and read it again to familiarise the proceedures.
your son is displaying anger that may have stemmed from your break up with his father - he has learnt what he has been taught i.e dad was violent towards you and son thinks its his role too to treat you in a like manner.

unfortunately without dads compliance of dealing with your sons behaviour only makes your job twice as hard so you may have to reconsider contact.

yours and your sons safety is paramount, when kicking off remove items that harm (whilst obviously keeping calm) remember praise for good behaviour (introduce a behaviour chart as an example). and introduce the naughty step (1 minute per year of age)

having a talk time (15 mins per day before bedtime) with a cuddle may allow him to express his feelings a bit more.

We received a book by Webster Stratton. We're going to start from scratch again as I think we're probably not as strict with it as we were when we were attending the course as well.

He's filled another sticker chart tonight so he'll get a delve in the lucky bag tomorrow - we only spend a £1 per item if that but it works a treat (when it works!).

I'm going to ring his Dad tomorrow after the visit from Social Services. I'm so not looking forward to it but I'm going to tell him he either helps me with our son's behaviour or he's out of the picture. I have always been of the opinion that he can see his Dad as long as he's safe from harm but our son is getting older and needs boundaries and if his Dad isn't prepared to help then I will put my foot down.

I picked him up from school today and he's had a great day It seems like too much of a coincidence that the weekends he doesn't see his Dad he's much calmer and a nicer little boy.

melt71

Hi DesperateMum,

I'm glad to hear you've had a nice weekend with your son and he seems happier at the moment.

I disagree with the previous post that his behaviour is not linked to his diet, I really think that from what you've said (his dad lets him eat junk) that this is having an affect on his behaviour. I'm not saying that this is the CAUSE of the behaviour only that it is affecting it. The chemicals in the food are quite stressful for the body to cope with for some people.

I actually had a similar situation with my daughter when me and my husband seperated. She was 3. At first everything seemed to be going fine, but gradually I noticed that my daughters behaviour became very erratic after she visited her dad. I think it was a) to do with the junk he fed her b) the fact that he was spoiling her because of his guilt c) the confusion was difficult to deal with, there were lots of changes and she must have felt very unsettled with it all. Once she started to behave badly during her visits her dad started to take the situation more seriously :rotfl: and we talked about how we could resolve it.

I think the boundries thing is absolutely the key to solving this. Your son is confused and if your ex can't see that or refuses to do anything to help the situation he shouldn't have long periods of contact with your son (just my opinion so no flaming from other posters please!). Maybe a day out or a few hours at a time on a regular basis, rather than overnight or whole weekend visits may be the answer?

pickle

Sounds like he's going through a tough time (and you too as a consequence). It's obvious there's a lot of anger there and perhaps some imitation of his dad's behaviour or desperate attention seeking. The counselling route sounds like the best bet. Is he ok at school, not worried about anything there as well eg. bullying? Just remember he is that sweet boy just a bit overwrought by things by the sound of it. Hope it all works out for you both.

DesperateMum wrote:

Anyone got one of these?

My son has refused to go to school yet again this morning and when my Mum came to sit with him til he had calmed down and I could get to work all hell broke loose. He locked us in the house, hid my car keys. Swore at me, hit me, threw water, tried to put his fist through the glass door and to top it off threatened my Mum with scissors. He was excluded from school before half term and today was his first day back.

I've attended parenting classes before and they've helped but he seems to be stepping up his bad behaviour to get a reaction.

When he's overtired he gets very irritable but I'm at my wits end. I am expecting a visit from the education office today and social services are referring us to family support.

My son has been like this for a long time. Only used to be like this at home but now it's at school and with the family too.

Before the Summer holiday after an incident with his Dad I went to my GP and he has been referred to CAMHS.

I was in a violent relationship with his Dad, who he still sees and I am convinced what he has seen and heard is contributing to his behaviour. I have stopped access before due to his father being an idiot but always said if my son wants to go then he can unless he puts him at risk. My son went to his Dads on Tuesday for a halloween party and I ended up picking him up in a taxi in the early hours as they couldn't cope with his behaviour. Its like they give up and send him home. I'm sure being over tired this morning hasn't helped at all.

It doesn't help that my ex will only communicate with me via text! I've tried speaking to him previously to ask him to attend a similar course so we are both dealing with his behaviour the same but he didn't return my calls and I spoke to his gf about it who said she would get him to ring me but surprise surprise I’m still waiting - that was 3/4 months ago.

I've bought the eye q capsules in the hope that they may help his concentration at school, only been 2 weeks though so haven't seen a change.

What confuses me is that once he has calmed down I get my sweet little boy back. When he’s calm I chat to him about what has happened and explain the consequences of his actions and how he can’t do this and he seems to understand until he gets mad again. I’ve also asked him about school in case there is a problem there, he says not and I don’t think it’s school that is the issue. I think it’s something in him. Really scares me that he isn't getting better but worse and he's getting bigger and older. I want to fix him before it's too late.

Sorry for the waffle

fsdss

DesperateMum wrote:

x

He's filled another sticker chart tonight so he'll get a delve in the lucky bag tomorrow - we only spend a £1 per item if that but it works a treat (when it works!).

another thing you could do is talk to him to see what he wants.
between you could decide on activities that he wants to do and he can exchange his "stars" as a form of currency

so 5 * = stay up late for 1 night for 1 hour
10* = trip to the park
15* = friend home for tea
20* = swimming with meal out
25* = day trip out

these are examples

this way he can earn himself what he wants, and has (some sort of) control over his behaviour. the only way he cannot achieve this is if HE fails and the blame is entirely his own doing.

DebtphobicDeirdre

Dear desparate Mum. Hope you are OK today. Another thing that ocurred to me today was the emphasis in my parenting course( Family Caring Trust) on creating family traditions. Stuff like having special things that you do together on special days of the year-anexample would be baking a Xmas cake together on the same day each year ,marking their height on a chart or door frame every 3 months,a trip to the seaside on a certain day of the year. These soud a bit unlikely to work but I think they have helped us- it gives us things we can depend on and look forward to/look back on. I'm thinking of you and don't forget Parentline if you need a 'real' person to talk to.

suzie_wong

Hi,
I came on here tonight looking for some advice, and was amazed to see this thread which is just what I needed.
My daughter is also 9. She is intelligent,popular and beautiful, but her behaviour at home has been increasingly hard to deal with over the last year. She is not violent in any way, but seems very angry. The way she talks to me upsets me terribly- she is not quite so hurtful to her dad but he is seeing a little more of it now. She is incredibly jealous of her gorgeous little brother, who is 4, and adores her. All in all, she is just not pleasant to have around.

Now tonight she threw something of my husbands on the floor in a temper, then took herself to her room. There she opened up to him and said how bad she felt about herself, that she was being nasty to her friends, she felt sad and angry all the time etc etc. She sounded really depressed and I am very worried about her. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to help her, and because I have suffered from depression myself, I am scared for her.
If anyone has any ideas I would be very grateful.

Savvy_Sue

Well, she is starting to open up, so that's good. There's Parentline may be able to help you. You could ask the school if they are aware of her upsetness. Your Health Visitor may be aware of local parenting courses which could be useful (these cover a range of ages).

There could be hormonal changes starting. There could be other issues she needs to talk to someone about. But as you see, you are not alone, so don't blame yourself or feel guilty - it ain't your fault!