Angry 9 year old :(

DesperateMum_4

Anyone got one of these?

My son has refused to go to school yet again this morning and when my Mum came to sit with him til he had calmed down and I could get to work all hell broke loose. He locked us in the house, hid my car keys. Swore at me, hit me, threw water, tried to put his fist through the glass door and to top it off threatened my Mum with scissors. He was excluded from school before half term and today was his first day back.

I've attended parenting classes before and they've helped but he seems to be stepping up his bad behaviour to get a reaction.

When he's overtired he gets very irritable but I'm at my wits end. I am expecting a visit from the education office today and social services are referring us to family support.

My son has been like this for a long time. Only used to be like this at home but now it's at school and with the family too.

Before the Summer holiday after an incident with his Dad I went to my GP and he has been referred to CAMHS.

I was in a violent relationship with his Dad, who he still sees and I am convinced what he has seen and heard is contributing to his behaviour. I have stopped access before due to his father being an idiot but always said if my son wants to go then he can unless he puts him at risk. My son went to his Dads on Tuesday for a halloween party and I ended up picking him up in a taxi in the early hours as they couldn't cope with his behaviour. Its like they give up and send him home. I'm sure being over tired this morning hasn't helped at all.

It doesn't help that my ex will only communicate with me via text! I've tried speaking to him previously to ask him to attend a similar course so we are both dealing with his behaviour the same but he didn't return my calls and I spoke to his gf about it who said she would get him to ring me but surprise surprise I’m still waiting - that was 3/4 months ago.

I've bought the eye q capsules in the hope that they may help his concentration at school, only been 2 weeks though so haven't seen a change.

What confuses me is that once he has calmed down I get my sweet little boy back. When he’s calm I chat to him about what has happened and explain the consequences of his actions and how he can’t do this and he seems to understand until he gets mad again. I’ve also asked him about school in case there is a problem there, he says not and I don’t think it’s school that is the issue. I think it’s something in him. Really scares me that he isn't getting better but worse and he's getting bigger and older. I want to fix him before it's too late.

Sorry for the waffle

Ted_Hutchinson

First the Eye Q capsules aren't very strong and initially you are best advised to take several to raise levels. As they are quite expensive you may do better to make sure he gets oily fish, sardines in tomato sauce, Salmon Trout Mackerel Herring Sardines Pilchards Kipper Whitebait Tuna (fresh only) Anchovies Sprats 4 times a week. Another ploy would be to use Linseed meal in his porridge cereal or any food you are making, Could be stirred into pasta or stews gravy etc. This also would improve his omega 3 status.
Do be aware that trans fat blocks the uptake of omega 3 and changes the way it is metabolised in the body so KFC's McDonalds because they use hydrogenated and partially hydrogenated fats are particularly bad for vulnerable children. Look out for Partially hydrogenated or hydrogenated fats and make sure none at all are available to him.

Magnesium is also linked with violence and drinks like cola contain phosphates which block the uptake of magnesium. magnesium: foodsources will give you an idea of where to find these. The problem with magnesium from greens is that it dissolves in water so if you boil your veg there wll be more magnesium in the water than on the plate unless you use the boiling water in the gravy/sauce or steam your veg, or try cooking it slowly with very little water. But reducing cola intake at the same time may also help.

The programmes which have been succesful in reducing violence in schools/young offenders institutes have also usually also involved additional exercise. Is it possible that there may be a swimming club or similar locally which may take him and by improving his fitness/self esteem possible enable him to develop more self control.

Raksha

It's quite well known in dog training circles that when you start to ignore an unwanted behaviour, the dog often appears to get worse before they get better - it's called an 'extinction burst' and kids minds work in very similar ways (I've got a 9 year old too!) Don't forget to catch those moments when he's really lovely and make a big fuss of him

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!{hugs}}}}}}}}}

melt71

god how awful, you must be really stressed

I definitely agree that you should look into his diet as a possible cause and a cure for this behaviour. My bf was telling me about his behaviour as a kid, particularly when he got to about 12/13 (because his mum wasn't at home in the day and ate the food HE chose) he believed that it was food related. Turns out that he is deeply affected by E numbers and all sorts of chemicals in food/drink. For example strong coffee, sugary sweets or fizzy drinks make him totally hyper and yet the same things have little effect on me. He has to avoid Stella (the beer) as the chemicals in it affect his behaviour so badly that he gets angry and wants to fight! Any other alcohol doesn't affect him in the same way, in fact some things like wine/shorts make him very soppy and he tells everybody he loves them! lol

I've also noticed that my daughter is affected by processed foods. She hardly ever eats/drinks anything processed and when she does (after a party or if she has a sip of a fizzy drink for example) she goes 'mad'. Not violent, but out of control and very unlike her usual calm, sweet self. She is 9 this month.

I'm sure food and drink is something that you have thought about previously but are you sure that you have eliminated absolutely everything from his diet that could be activating this behaviour?

It may be that his father has had an influence on your boys behaviour but as you have given the impression that he is a sweet boy at other times, I doubt that this violent behaviour is part of his make up (iyswim).

julesangles

i have a child with special needs. everything you have said their he has done. much worse too.
i too have been on a parenting coarse(which did help a little)

i started my child on tesco own version of omega 3 about 4 months ago. his behaviour improved after about 4-6wks.
yes i have had some totaly bad days when he has had me in tears. as well as everyone in our whole family.
but on the whole so much better.i do give him a little extra (just half a teaspoon) when i get the feeling he is going to be bad.
i dont feed him junk food make nearly everything myself.(thats due to OS.) once every couple of months i will take him out for a treat, but i monitor what he eats and always give him his extra omega 3 on these occasions.
dont see CAMHS as a negative it can be a very positive jorney on the road to getting your young man back.
cant advice you on the ex, but you have both got to do the same thing if he is going to remain in his life.
good luck and PM if you need me

Prudent

I suspect this may be to do with more diet, although omega three will do no harm and may help to a degree. Your son's behaviour is very controlling and deep down he will be even more frightened by it than you. While he may think he is getting a kick from these power trips they are doing little more than making him unhappy and insecure.

He needs you as the adult to take charge. If he has witnessed domestic violence he will have little confidence that adults can give him a safe and secure environmnet. You need to be strong and keep setting and insisting he keeps those boundaries. He will need to know you are able to keep him safe whatever he does.

However hard it is, keep calm and explain that you can't let him behave like that. That he has choices and he can make good or bad choices. Explain that all behaviour has consequences good or bad. Be in charge and decide the consequences of his poor choices.

Part of his need for secuirty is a need to know you love him whatever. He knows dad was violent and now you are not with dad. He is trying to find out if you will reject him when he becomes violent. Keep telling him you love him, spot and praise the good and give consequences for poor choices.

You may want to consider whether contact with dad is helpful.

I am sorry, but I suspect this may be a long road.

DebtphobicDeirdre

My ds has specific learning difficulties and that makes him very angry inside. Onne thing we have found that helps is "strong exercise" like throwing himself around on the bed ,kicking a ball as hard as he can,banging a drum etc. He also responds well to regular routines so what comes next is less of a shock. A good diet is essential, as is rewarding all good behaviour- let him choose his own treats. Good luck and I hope CAMHS can help- I think they do anger management for kids and family therapy to help you with your ex.

jellyhead

havn't been through what you're describing but my son turned from a perfect angel into a hormonal teenager at the age of nine and a half. around his tenth nirthday was the worst but he's emotionally young for his age and is also a small child and puberty can hit at any time i suppose so it might be a bit younger for some kids. i think it must have been a hormone surge sending his temper out of control, he was like me when i have PMS but much worse, really irritable and throwing tantrums like a 2 year old. my friends' daughter also had awful tantrums at the same age. both children are dyspraxic and had tantrums until they were 4 or 5, don't know if that's relevant.

he has calmed down a bit, still has the strops but they aren't as frequent and he seems to be able to snap out of them now and say sorry, or at least stop it from escalating into all-out war and think about the consequences if he carries on throwing a tantrum. maybe there could be some calming down for your boy soon, fingers crossed for you because it drove me mad, it's very stressful having somebody so angry in the house!


i don't know anything about CAHMS etc. but just wanted to send my best wishes, hope he's your lovely cuddly boy again soon!

DesperateMum_4

Thank you very much everyone for your posts.

I'm keeping an eye on his diet. We have done for a while but unfortunately his Dad doesn't think there is a need so when he goes there McDonalds and general rubbish is a treat in his Dad's eyes.

My son hasn't been to his Dads this weekend. His Dad thought it a good idea if he didn't! I didn't want him to go either after how upset he was when I collected him.

We have had a great weekend We chilled out on Saturday, went to the local firework display Saturday night, visited relatives yesterday and watched Willy Wonka last night. He has been great and was giggling at me this morning as apparantly it was the 6th time I had thanked him for a great weekend and how much I have enjoyed his company and how proud I was of him yesterday as he was so well behaved and polite whilst at my in laws. They couldn't believe that the little boy I had spoke to them about on Thursday was the same child that visited yesterday!

He has gone to school today with a smile on his face and fingers crossed his day is going well. I'm off work today so will be picking him from school which he'll be pleased about as I work full time so rarely get to collect him.

The lady from the Education Office came to see us on Friday and she was very nice. My son said he wouldn't speak to her but once he started chatting it was hard to stop him. He said he likes school (couldn't believe that!!) He said that he is angry with his Dad for hurting me. We split up over 4 years ago and it's obviously still affecting him - I was shocked as I didn't know he knew some of the things he came out with about when we were together Although I have a good relationship with my son we have never really discussed the split so the education lady is going to send some booklets for us to go through which will help him to open up to me. She also mentioned anger management and the Education Pyschiatrist. She will be going into school this week to meet with the Head.

The family support unit are visiting us tomorrow so I'm hoping they will have something to help us too.

Last Thursday I thought my world was crashing down. I felt like I was doing a rubbish job and that there was no hope. I've had a few nights of sleep and I'm feeling much better.

I hope that this is the start of the journey and that we'll get there.

fsdss

desperate mum

from what you are saying, i doubt that your sons behaviour is linked to diet (although i would strongly suggest that you keep monitoring it).

when you went to your parenting course did you receive a pack detailing behaviour management techniques? if so i would recommend that you sit and read it again to familiarise the proceedures.
your son is displaying anger that may have stemmed from your break up with his father - he has learnt what he has been taught i.e dad was violent towards you and son thinks its his role too to treat you in a like manner.

unfortunately without dads compliance of dealing with your sons behaviour only makes your job twice as hard so you may have to reconsider contact.

yours and your sons safety is paramount, when kicking off remove items that harm (whilst obviously keeping calm) remember praise for good behaviour (introduce a behaviour chart as an example). and introduce the naughty step (1 minute per year of age)

having a talk time (15 mins per day before bedtime) with a cuddle may allow him to express his feelings a bit more.

rainbowrisin

Sorry, not much advice, just big (((((hugs))))) to you and your son. I think it's very positive that your son was able to begin to communicate how angry he is about what his dad did - he must feel quite confused inside trying to sort out why dad (who he presumably loves) would have been violent and absusive towards you, and also trying to deal with his dad's behaviour when he's visiting him, as from what you've said his dad doesn't seem to be a particularly positive influence on him, or particularly motivated to help his son sort things out.
Hopefully there will be some opportunities for your son to try and talk through how he feels (I don't know much about what's on offer, but would suspect social services / school would be able to recommend a form of counselling which would be appropriate for your little boy.)
Maybe once he's begun to make sense of it all he will feel less angry and frustrated, which in turn will make it easier for him to behave appropriately.
I think you sound like a brill mum, and am sure your little boy agrees;)
Good luck to you both.