Advice for informing your spouse you have a huge debt

davegk80

Hi all,

First of all I'd like to explain my situation.

I am in debt by approx £21,000 give or take a few pounds. This debt has accumulated over the last 6 years. I have been with my Wife for pretty much the whole of this period and all she knows about is a £9000 loan I took out over a seven year period in 2005. She is unaware that I topped up my loan to £12,500 last December (09) for another 7 year period, plus I have £6000 on a credit card and owe my parents the other £2,500. This has come about by spending too much each month and covering it with my credit card. Mainly because she thinks I have more money than i do! One lie after another, shameful I know.

We are about to try for a baby and I think it is time she knew the whole story before this happens.

Basically I need some advice on how to go about this and if anyone has experienced anything similar, maybe on the receiving end as well.

Thanks
DK

Marine_life

I know this may sound flippant and cowardly but whenever I have bad news I always tell her over the phone first!

That way you:

a. Avoid an awkward silence.
b. Avoid flying objects.
c. Allow your other half rto think for a while before you get into the meat of the conversation.

Before you go into the discussion also bear in mind that this will be seen as a pretty big breach of trust so ask yourself whether your slate is clean in all other respects.

Finally, you may need to work together on the solution but have some ideas first yourself i.e. "there's a big problem but I think I know how we are going to get out of it"

..and finally if that fails just blurt it out but be prepared to leg it

davegk80

Cheers Marine_Life,

I literally do not know how she will react (after the initial anger!). There is a danger than I could be thrown out which would obviously be devastating. I think the breach of trust is the main problem she will have rather than the money itself.

Tixy

Hi

A lot of people on here have been through this and survived! It certainly won't be easy and I'm sure she will be shocked about it but you are right you need to do it.

What might help is if you can draw up a plan to start with as to how you can clear your debts. Does she know how much you currently earn? Do you tend to pay everything each month and deal with all the finances etc?

Can you currently meet all your debt repayments? Have you drawn up a monthly income & expenditure to show where all the money is going and to see what changes/reductions can be made to help tackle this debt?
Sometimes it easier to admit to something if you can quickly follow it with 'but I have a plan to sort it'.

Personally I wouldn't go for the phone approach. But maybe you could slightly forewarn her first. Such as saying to her in a morning 'can we sit and have a talk this evening about money and things' then at least she won't be completely caught offguard.

Tixy

Might be some advice on these threads - each situation is diffenent but some of the advice might be useful
Secret Debt - Telling My Partner
Telling new partner about my debt

And this one is about someone who had just told her bloke about her debts - and he was very supportive.
What a man!!

RachelS

I am a new user but thought I'd reply as I have been on the other side...the wife who was lied to. I think you are making a wise decision to tell your wife. She chose to marry you and you have an obligation to let her know things like this - but, almost as important, it's much, much better than her finding out herself, which would have been bound to happen at some point. It only takes one mistakenly opened letter or an innocent answer of your mobile, as I learned myself.

Personally, I wouldn't choose the phone approach. I'd be furious if my husband told me bad news over the phone.

I am assuming your finances are pretty much separate from your wife's, or she would know already. So the most important things for her are going to be: an explanation of why you lied to her. She is going to see this as a betrayal of her trust...you need to reassure her you love her and prove to her over time you won't deceive her again.

She is also going to need to know how you intend to handle your debt -do you have a realistic plan? If not, where are you going to get help to make one? How is the debt going to affect her and affect you as a couple when you have a baby?

It's going to be a shock to her...expect her to fly off the handle in some way and expect it to take a while for her to start accepting it. You've had years to get used to the situation, she hasn't. She is probably not going to hear the news and forgive you that day. If she does, she probably hasn't really absorbed what you're telling her, so expect a backlash a bit later.

I'd try to reduce the shock a bit in advance, as the previous poster said.

Don't be tempted to keep ANYTHING secret from her at this point. In for a penny, in for a pound.

Your wife's own situation and history with money will colour how she reacts. I tend to overreact about finances...one of the reasons my partner kept financial problems secret from me.

You might find yourself getting really angry with her reaction...remember she's had a shock and try not to get too defensive, though obviously you don't have to be a doormat either!

I'd say the most important thing would be, from now on don't make any promises you aren't absolutely sure you can keep. If she feels let down again in a few weeks/months, she's going to find it very hard to rebuild trust. Just because you are sorry, and making a new start, doesn't mean you aren't going to make a few mistakes on your path to being debt-free. Everyone is human and change takes time.

Good luck and let us know how you go. Don't get too disheartened if she's very angry...time helps these things. My husband has lied to me several times about finances, and we are still together. Our work on becoming more financially responsible has just begun, really, but we are very happy together and actually starting to enjoy working together with money.

ilovecheese

I agree with RachelS (some excellent advice!)

I found out by snooping that my OH had debts he had not told me about, and yes I was angry and hurt, firstly that he hadn't told me (but I am the same as RachelS bit anal when it comes to money and debt) and secondly that we owed so much money.

I knew about some of the debt (secured loan of £52,000) but not about his other two personal loans. very scary!!!

In the end we decided to sell our house (back in 2007) pay off the secured loan and mortage and move into rented. The last payment due on my hubbies loans is this August - after this payment we will be totally debt free.

Your OH will be angry and upset, but hopefully you will be able to sort it out - it is only money!!!! You haven't killed anyone!

You also have to work out where and why you have been overspending because until you sort this out you could end up getting back into debt again.

Good luck!

rising_from_the_ashes

Do not go with the phone approach! (funny how the girls are saying that - guys, learn from this!)

Ilovecheese has hit it on the head as she'll probably be more angry and upset that you've not been able to share this, rather than the actual debt itself.

I'd def do it before "you" get pregnant as money will be tighter once the additional to the family arrives and you need to make sure you can afford a baby.

Good luck

davegk80

Wow!! Thank you all so much for your wonderful replies, especially Rachel, hope my wife is as forgiving as you!

I am going to tell her tomorrow night as I need to get all my finances down infront of me.

Fingers crossed.

Thanks once again everyone

ellesbellesxxx

Good luck!

eyeopener2

Hi

My wife new nothing about my debts until she went to Mt T and tried using our debit card for our joint account and it was stopped. Our overdraft had run dry.

She asked me what was going on, I sort of told her but not the full extent but over the next few weeks she found out everything. Some by snooping, some by questioning.

result? A lot of tears, a lot of anger but the main problem wasn't the debt it was the fact that I hadn't trusted her to tell her any of it. I hadn't asked my own wife for help. Stupid man.

I had to leave our home for a short time while she figured out what she wanted to do. I had to pick my son up to see him, THAT brought everything home to me about how selfiish and stupid i'd been.

I took the bull by the horns and started on my DMP (in signature) and she took me back and has forgiven me.

Tell your wife everything, tonight, cos she will find out one day and it will be much, much worse.

E2