Advice for informing your spouse you have a huge debt

cavework

My Dad in the 1960,s lost his job in a shoe shop. Dad was the only earner and was of the old school, paid the bills mortgage etc and gave my Mum housekeeping money every week.
He would literally turn his back and hand over her housekeeping from his pay packet (which was cash in those days) ..
One day Mum had to phone his works to get in touch , she was told he had lost his job 6 weeks previously.:eek:
My dad had continued to catch the train every morning for those 6 weeks ( with Mum knowing nothing) while desperately trying to find another job
he was trying to protect her, it's what they did in those days
Anyway OP .. My Mum and Dad have been married now 59 years ,he is now in a nursing home and they are both in their mid eighties, but she loves him as much today as she did when they first married.
he did some daft things with money while they were married .. Mum found a receipt recently for a deposit to have the drive block paved dated 1985 .. the drive was never block paved and she knew nothing about the deposit!
Be honest with your OH .. expect to get a right ******** cos you deserve it but I really hope in 50 plus years you are strong enough to still be together.
x

NouveauRiche

davegk80, you have received some great advice on here. Speaking as someone who was "on the other end" of a similar scenario. (I only found out when I discovered that my ex had taken out a second mortgage on our home and found the papers hidden in the tumble dryer!) you will need to convince your OH that you no longer have your head in the sand, plus a solid plan on how you are going to address the problem. You already know that borrowing more is NOT going to do the trick. Study the Debt-Free Wanabees threads, they will provide ideas you never even thought of. Make sure that you tell her everything. If you hold back some of it and it comes out later - it will be much worse. If she's going to go ballistic - better to get it out all in one go!
Hope this helps.

loumac

Just to add to and agree with lots of the comments above. (Wow! You guys are good, I love MSE'ers when you need help with a problem)

My parents have recently been through this very same situation. My dad had gradually been building up debts, and consolidating debts and taking out debts to pay debts and ... well you get the picture.

My mum found out about one of the debts and confronted him (angrily), he came clean about that debt (only). She obviously got suspicious and managed to find out about another debt and the same cycle followed. It took 2 weeks to eventually find out he had a total of £63k of debt and had even spent ISA's they had set up to pay for my sisters private school fees. Hell broke loose! She even made him sell their wedding rings, firstly as a payments towards the debts and also because she felt the ring was the sign of trust and he broke that trust.

However, they've come through it and it has helped them come together to solve the problem. They both now are more honest (and realistic) about spending and are working at their marriage.

My main advice would be to tell her (face to face) but make sure you tell her everything. I also agree that having a plan for what you're going to do next would help.

Good luck. xx

MFWannabe

Op
You've already had some great advice on here; very good post by rachels.
You need to tell your wife asap; once she's calmed down you'll be able to tackle this together.
You might find it useful to do an soa using www.makesenseofcards.com
Even if you don't post it on here straight away it will give you some idea of where your money is going and how you can make cutbacks. It will also be good to have this to show to your wife so that she knows you are putting a plan together to tackle this
Fingers crossed for you x
P.s Please please sit her down to tell her; no way in the world should you do it over the phone!! I would go ballistic!!

Caroline_83

I don't think what I'm about to say has been mentioned yet but if it has, I'm sorry.

You will need to say "I know" alot!

If she calls you an idiot, you say "I know".
If she calls you irresponsible, you say "I know".
If she says this is the worst thing you've ever done, you say "I know".

This isn't my opinion, nor is it predicting what I think she'll say. It's just that it's hard to stay so mad at someone who completely accepts responsibility. You also need to make sure you stay calm. When people yell at you, it's hard not to retaliate. Just have a plan worked out first and you can work through it together.

Good luck x

davegk80

Well I finally did it! I told her and she went mad and cried, I cried! But she didn't leave me and didn't chuck me out, in fact, she was incredible. It didn't take her long to get the spreadsheets out and total up our expenditure.

I owe her far more than just money and will be eternally grateful to her. I just need to prove to her that I was worth marrying!

I want to say a massive thank you to everyone who replied to this thread. Your advice and encouragement helped me through this.

I could not praise MSE enough, you are all awesome.

:T

Tixy

Dave thanks so much for coming back and telling us how it went.

I bet you feel a huge weight is off your shoulders now, and sounds like she is a very practical sort who will help you through this.
Do hope that between you, you can get on top of things and good luck with starting a family as well.

eyeopener2

Nice one Dave.

LillythePink

That's great that she is supportive of you.

However, be prepared for continuous questioning on money and little snide remarks every now and then - I don't mean the snide bit in a nasty way, but sometimes we say things when maybe we shouldn't.

I had to come clean with my OH back in March about the debts that I had - he was angry that I hadn't told him etc, but we got through it and now don't have any debts apart from our mortgage.

At first, there were a few remarks which I took as I knew that I had done wrong, but now, every so often there is a comment - there was one tonight!

Just swallow it and move on even if it really annoys you (you will take it as you will feel guilty)

x

ERICS_MUM

I'm glad you've spoken to her so openly and can now "move forward". Your greatest debt is one of gratitude to your wife who sounds marvellous.

Good luck to both of you.


Linda xx