Feeding young daughter when she visits

Wilma33

Does it matter if she is slow at eating when with you? It's a bit annoying, but not the end of the world. Why is she slow? Is she talking a lot, day dreaming, etc?

Two4Tuesday

Whenever it's dinner time, she starts complaining that she's tired - too tired to eat. Her food has generally almost gone cold before I resort to feeding her. Although once dinner time is over, she's suddenly got lots of energy again. She is a little bit underweight.

I haven't seen my girls properly since my youngest was 2 and my oldest was 9, and I am pretty much blocked from finding out what's happening in their lives.

tanith

Some children are just slow , give her time to eat but don't drag it out, tell her she has 10 more minutes to finish (after a reasonable amount of time ) and then take it away.. she won't starve and the longer you let her do this the more power she has but definately no treats or dessert if she doesn't eat it.

duchy

Honestly if you have different rules for the basics to their Mum you're just setting yourself up for problems later on. I understand you want your visits to be nice and without conflict -but just because you don't live with them doesn't mean you can't parent by reinforcing good practices. In the long run you'll be glad you did,

At four she should be feeding herself -and if there is a difficulty with this at home too then presumably your ex is taking advice-if however she CAN but has worked out she gets more attention by claiming she can't/won't -then ...well you know what to do Kids will push to see if they can "get away" with things with one parent that the other won't allow-even with parents who are together.

By feeding her-you are "rewarding" her with attention -find other ways to give her attention -and reward good eating with rewards instead of rewarding her in a negative way. Maybe plan something they want to do......like "Once we've finished eating we are ..."watching a DVD/going to the park etc Whatever works best with your kids-I'm sure you know what they like.

ViolaLass

Two4Tuesday wrote: »

Eventually after a lot of coaxing, she does eat when I cut up her food, place it on her fork and feed it to her.

Does she say that she can't cut it up? Or does she just refuse to eat anything until given lots of attention?

Two4Tuesday wrote: »

I can't abide to see my daughters go hungry, and I think that considering how little I see them, it should not affect her eating habits if I feed her a few days a year, at least until she starts feeding herself.

I feel your ex-wife has a point and you shouldn't be undermining it. You're there to be your daughter's father, not best friend. She won't starve. Does her mother offer her anything between meals if she's hungry? A piece of fruit? You could ask and then do the same.

Just read that you haven't seen your daughters for around 2 years - the best way to keep their mother onside will be to support her and in this case, she's not being unreasonable. The more you don't mess with the children's routine, the better.

heretolearn_2

For goodness sake she's 4 but you are hand-feeding her like a 12 month old baby? That's plain embarrassing! She is having a LOVELY LOVELY LOVELY time getting all that fuss and attention of daddy and being babied, but your ex is right, it's pretty awful (in a cringy way) for you to be pandering to this. It seems harmless enough, but what you are teaching her is that daddy (and other men?) can be wheedled and manipulated if she acts all pathetic and babyish. Not a trick I'd want my daughter to learn. At what age does this become just too weird for you? 5 years old, 6 years old, 7 years old?

At 4 any 'normal' child can feed themselves (with varying degrees of finesse of course), you aren't helping her by encouraging her to act as if she were disabled. (no offence to anyone with children with genuine problems). It isn't cute, it's stupid. Not to mention pass the vom bag over the 'wickle baby' act.

She isn't going to starve. Have a lovely family meal with your daughters, tell her only babies get fed and she isn't a baby any more, sit, relax, enjoy your meal, have a conversation, let her eat or not eat, her choice, but nothing other than the meals (no snacking). I promise you that in one weekend she'll be eating just fine. Do you think her nursery/school has the time or inclination to hand-feed her? Of course not. She's only pulling this with you. Time to tell her that it's over.

On the slow eating, I don't see why that is a problem - although it can be irritating. My son was always a terribly slow eater and still is in his 20s, for two reasons: a) he can't stop talking long enough and b)he's a total foodie who wants to savour every bite. No skin off my nose. Better that some shovelling it in like a pig.

Sit down at the table. She can't leave until she has finished (in the sense of not wanting any more, not forcing her to eat everything) so there's no tv/toys/books/distractions going on. It doesn't matter if it takes an hour to eat her dinner, it's good for the digestion! It's true she needs to eat more quickly at school etc, but at least support getting her feeding herself at home, never mind the speed. As her hand skills improve, so will her eating speed. She can't learn this if she never has to do it.

pinkshoes

You could try just not mentioning her eating, and discuss random things at the table, completely ignoring if she's eating or not. At the end of the meal, just ask her if she's had enough, and if she has, then put the plate on the side and say she can have some more later if she wants... (This works with one of my little cousins).

You could also try foods that can be easily eaten cold like pasta, chicken etc...

supa-girl

I think there is a bigger issue here, and that is why you have so little contact with your girls. IF you saw them more frequently then you would be better equipped to handle the situation and also more willing to deal with the potential tantrums that would follow taking a harder line. I'm not blaming you, I have seen this situation many times. Do you have any sort of contact order and if so, has it been in place long enough for you to negotiate an increase?

That aside, I do think your ex has a valid point, however I suspect that this is just another thing you are being moaned at for, is that right? You have an older daughter who is probably being encouraged to tell her what is going on and your ex is then using these things as a stick with which to beat you - eg you are useless, hopeless, blah blah blah and this "catalogue" of reasons is why you are not permitted more time. I could be wrong and hope I am.

What I would say is that when you are the parent with care you are free to parent without interference unless there is a welfare issue. On this one, I actually agree with your ex though and think you should not reward the 4 year old with attention for not eating, just take it away and not offer treats in between meals. However I do think it is important that your children see that you are making the decisions and not being told what to do by their Mum.

I really do think the key though is to have greater contact unless there is a valid reason not to, and then parenting will be easier as you will know the children better AND you will feel more comfortable taking a firmer line. That should be your primary focus in my opinion.

Good luck

SG

Two4Tuesday

supa-girl wrote: »

I think there is a bigger issue here, and that is why you have so little contact with your girls. IF you saw them more frequently then you would be better equipped to handle the situation and also more willing to deal with the potential tantrums that would follow taking a harder line. I'm not blaming you, I have seen this situation many times. Do you have any sort of contact order and if so, has it been in place long enough for you to negotiate an increase?

That aside, I do think your ex has a valid point, however I suspect that this is just another thing you are being moaned at for, is that right? You have an older daughter who is probably being encouraged to tell her what is going on and your ex is then using these things as a stick with which to beat you - eg you are useless, hopeless, blah blah blah and this "catalogue" of reasons is why you are not permitted more time. I could be wrong and hope I am.

What I would say is that when you are the parent with care you are free to parent without interference unless there is a welfare issue. On this one, I actually agree with your ex though and think you should not reward the 4 year old with attention for not eating, just take it away and not offer treats in between meals. However I do think it is important that your children see that you are making the decisions and not being told what to do by their Mum.

I really do think the key though is to have greater contact unless there is a valid reason not to, and then parenting will be easier as you will know the children better AND you will feel more comfortable taking a firmer line. That should be your primary focus in my opinion.

Good luck

SG

You're right - it is just a small part of a bigger issue for me. I've not adjusted well to being a non-resident parent. After my separation, I suffered clinical depression to the point of attempting suicide and was admitted to a psychiatric hospital, where I spent 3 months.

I don't have a care order in place - my solicitor has advised me to try to keep things amicable if possible, and I am worried that my ex will use these mental health problems against me if it went to court.

My children live 250 miles away in our former matrimonial home and I cannot afford to visit them very often. I am living in London with my parents caring for me as I am still very unwell physically and mentally.

tanith

That does explain a little why your older child is seen to be reporting back to Mum if you yourself are having to be 'cared for' by your parents. Its good that you are managing some contact with the children and this will take time to settle down and the girls become comfortable with being so far from home and sharing you with your parents... it is of course best for everybody if you and your ex can remain amicable and I do think the eating thing will settle down if you take on board all the good advice given here..