how often to see children

savingsgirl

I have just had another huge row with my ex. Basically he has moved out and has been living with his parents while going out drinking and not paying his debts.

We have 3 children. He only has parental responsibility for 1 as he never bothered to sort it out for the other 2 (long story!)

I am sick and tired of bringing up the children alone, of him taking money from the joint account (now closed!) and not being a good dad. I am not going to go into details but his behaviour has been irresponsible and totally unreasonable.

I realise the children need to see their father but how often should that be? Ideally I would like sole custody but I realise he has to have some access.

If anyone wants to criticise me please dont bother. I would just appreciate some advice

thank you

tanith

Sorry to hear about your difficulties , these things are never easy . I am just going to answer your question with a straight forward answer , I have had some custody issues to deal with regarding one of my grandchildren and although Dad was not always the best partner he did his best with parental support to spend time with his child...

I would say that as he is living with his parents who are also entitled to spend time with their grandchildren some access every other weekend and a reasonable amount of school holidays would be fair.. But of course this all depends on his committment to seeing his kids... School Holidays are difficult if he is working for example.. maybe you could arrange for his parents to also spend some time with them... this also means you would get a break as looking after 3 kiddies is tiring with 2 parents never mind on your own.....

I hope you manage to come to an amicable arrangement and do not have to resort to the courts to sort it out....

CarolnMalky

Sorry to hear of your troubles SG, is this something the Citizens Advice could help with, or is it maybe worth a phone call to a family solicitor for proper advice? There may even be websites to help with what he is entitled to...after all if he is not "behaving" responsibly towards you or the kiddies this will more than likely affect his rights.

Hope it all comes to an amicable aggreement SG.
Carol x

Fran

savingsgirl,

If he is the father of the other two children as well, he still should be paying maintenance for them!

Re time with kids I agree with tanith.

Scarlett1

Savingsgirl as tanith says every other weekend or what about 1 night per week, friday to saturday, or saturday to sunday.

Chin up hun, you dont want to burn up all your energy arguing with an ex, he is an ex for a reason, he isnt worth it xxxxx

melt71

savingsgirl wrote:

I realise the children need to see their father but how often should that be? Ideally I would like sole custody but I realise he has to have some access.

If anyone wants to criticise me please dont bother. I would just appreciate some advice thank you

You won't get any critisism from me! Just sympathy. I am going through a difficult time with my ex (see my thread) but if he behaved like yours I would cut him out of my daughters life like a shot.

Why do all children 'need' to see their father (or mother for that matter if she irresponsible). I really don't understand this. You have given indication that he is generally a nightmare, not just that he doesn't pay for them, which is bad enough. Therefore, they have an extremely bad influence in their lives. If he is 'bad' in front of them ie violent, drunk, lazy (read unemployable) then they will grow up thinking this is normal. However, I am assuming this, because you haven't given any details.

So....if he is an !!!! with you but loves his kids and behaves differently in front of them, it's only really the financial side of things that are a problem.

Therefore, to answer your question; I would say, if he is a reasonably good dad to them - how about a weekend a fortnight, with regular contact by phone. If he is a bad dad - as little as possible for the children's sake!

Good luck

Edited to say - agree with the comments about the grandparents having regular access NO MATTER WHAT HE HAS DONE. His parents are not responsible for his actions and I'm sure that they would be devasted if they couldn't see their grandchildren because their son is being a donut.

crazyscientist

OH has 3 kids. He sees them one evening after school (just takes them round to his parents or to the park for a couple of hours). And then they stay with us 1 day and night every weekend. It works out nicely that way because they never have to go more than 3-4 days without seeing him. He also phones them most days.

hex2

If the children want to see their Dad then they should be allowed too as long as he looks after them when they are there. It also gives you a break!

We have my SSs two nights alternate weekends and then we have them for four weeks a year to help with holiday cover. He rings them every day, and we would see more of them if we lived closer. Not sure how it will work now they are in their teens but we always try and remember it is their right to see him, not the other way round, and they know that if anything happens their dad would drop everything and be there for them.

As an aside please whatever you do and whatever the tempatation don't let the children know or hear what you think of their dad, or use them to hurt each other. Most children love their parents regardles of what they have done and it really hurts to listen to these things. Ours have been tons happier since we got the ex to stop being rude about us, equally they never ever hear us mention her.

Best wishes for whatever you decide to do.

savingsgirl

I never ever badmouth him in front of them

nearlyrich

savingsgirl wrote:

I never ever badmouth him in front of them

That's the best way SG they find out in their own time how useless they are. 4 hours every two weeks was too much trouble for my ex when our two were younger.

Hope you get it sorted and whatever you arrange works for you, looking after three children on your own can be very hard work.

victory

SG my brother went to a family mediator to get it sorted, he ended up with tuesdays over-night and fridays through to sat afternoon, the kids know where they are they are settled and have phone access if they need it in between. Not ideal but the kids are happy with it,it also means that my brother has not got to have any 'contact' with his ex-wife, he picks them up from outside the house and off he goes xxx