Ex Partner wanting custody - help?!

diesel70

Hiya all
Looking for some advice

Myself and my partner split up earlier this year. I thought things would work out but its looking like its not.
I suffer from depression and he has turned quite nasty in the things he says to me, nothing physical. But mentally. He will call me names etc. Which doesnt help with my depression and being left on my own with 2 boys. 1 from a previous relationship

Now he keeps threating to go for custody and apparently a lawyer has told him he will get it seeing as I suffer from depression and also as he works 6 days a week he will be seen as the parent who can provide a good life for him. That part I dont understand as I dont see what court will give him custody when he works long hours 6 days a week. And I work 3 days and Im always home in time for his tea and putting him to bed. Whereas he works till about 7-8 at night. So I dont see how they would chose him when he will only have 1 day a week with him compared to a mum who is there everyday. And plus with my depression I have been told I am under no threat to anybody and Im fit and healthy to be looking after the kids. And have doctors notes to prove this.

He has said unless I play by his rules (still have the texts saying this ) he can get a court order which will give him full custody straight away untill it goes to court to see who is granted permanent custody. Is this true? Can that really happen? My boys are extremly happy here and under no threat at all. So there is no reason someone would want to take any of them away from me.

There was no talk of custody again untill today when I said he isnt getting him for xmas day as a saturday is my day anyway and he said hes going for custody again and unless he is there all xmas day I can say goodbye to him!

Im so scared, can he be taken straight off me like he has said? What is this order called, that means he can be taken off me untill a court case for custody is made?
And is it true that he is almost guaranteed full custody as he works 6 full days a week compared to my 3? I spend a full 4 days with him plus nights whereas he would only have a sunday and rest of the time he would get his mum to have him. So really he would be getting custody only to pass him off to his mum for 6 days.

Yes him working more means in long term he would provide better but money isnt everything to children. Surly also spending time with them counts too? Especially when they are so young. I worked full time before he was born and my other one was at school so once my youngest is old enough for nursery and school I will be working more hours anyway as its my own business, so by this point I will hopefully be making more money also. And will be working the hours they are both at school

Thanks for any help, Im calling lawyers tomorow to get an appointment but Id just like some help just now as I know I might not get an appointment anytime before xmas and this will bug me over then not knowing anything!

Thanks!

alwayspuzzled

I'm sure its no longer called 'custody' but instead is 'residency' and if he had really seen a solicitor who knew anything about family law he'd be threatening (bullying) you with the correct terminology. Courts are very reluctant to turn a childs world upside down without a VERY good reason and will try their best to preserve the status quo.

Depression is not a reason to lose residency of your children unless it is proved that you are a risk to yourself or them, obviously in your case this is not a risk.

I would definately get a appointment to discuss your concerns because it sounds like he thinks he can threaten you with what scares every mother (sorry - parent) most as soon as he thinks he's not getting his own way.

Mojisola

diesel70 wrote: »

He has said unless I play by his rules (still have the texts saying this ) he can get a court order which will give him full custody straight away untill it goes to court to see who is granted permanent custody. Is this true? Can that really happen? My boys are extremly happy here and under no threat at all. So there is no reason someone would want to take any of them away from me.

This is very bullying, manipulative and threatening behaviour. Make sure you have those texts safe and keep copies of them somewhere else.

Tulip09

He is trying to scare you & bully you into doing what he wants. Let him go to court and pay solicitor fees. The courts will do what is in the best interests of BOTH your children. They will also frown upon his bullying tactics. Keep a diary and the texts he sends you and please seek your own legal advice as soon as possible. Be reasonable with access even though you are angry etc it will benefit your kids and your case in the long run. Lots of people have medical conditions deemed worse than depression and dont lose their children. The court will look at the whole package not just who works more hours or earns more money.

diesel70

alwayspuzzled wrote: »

I'm sure its no longer called 'custody' but instead is 'residency' and if he had really seen a solicitor who knew anything about family law he'd be threatening (bullying) you with the correct terminology. Courts are very reluctant to turn a childs world upside down without a VERY good reason and will try their best to preserve the status quo.

Depression is not a reason to lose residency of your children unless it is proved that you are a risk to yourself or them, obviously in your case this is not a risk.

I would definately get a appointment to discuss your concerns because it sounds like he thinks he can threaten you with what scares every mother (sorry - parent) most as soon as he thinks he's not getting his own way.

Thank you for your reply!
Do you know what this order is that means my child can be taken straight off me to him untill a court case?

He knows the boys are my world and how much I love them and so knows one or both of them taken off me would hurt me. So I do think this is why there is the threats as he knows I wouldnt want to lose them so thinks by threating me I will give in. Which I really dont want to do as I shouldnt have to give in! He has him every second sunday, although missed 2 in a row as he was out the night before and wanted to drink so used the excuse of "you wouldnt want me picking him up while still under the influence would you" whereas if that was me I would rather see my child than have a night out which meant I couldnt drive 40 miles the next morning to pick them up!
We stay 40 miles away now since he moved out so its not like we are 5mins away from each other. So to up my child to move there while I am here is no good. Esp as he will be starting nursery in about a year.

Liquorice_Twirls

So you're suffering from depression but manage to work 3 days a week and raise 2 children. That sounds like you are coping with the depression in a way that does not make your life unmanageable. He works 6 days a week until 7-8 pm at night. If he were to quit his job or reduce his hours massively to be there to care for your children if he were given residency, the standard of life he could provide financially and materially would reduce substantially. I can't see how a court would award residency to him when you seem to be coping OK.

I think what is at the heart of this is the amount of control he is trying to exert on you. This would be depressing, frustrating and miserable for anyone, so it may be that this is also contributing to your depression. You are doing the right thing by contacting a solicitor, but I think you should have as little contact as possible with him, keep a diary of all he says/does/texts/says to the children about you and hold tight to the knowledge that your children are happy with you.

He can't maybe get at you as you are now apart - so he is trying to exert control through the children.

diesel70

Tulip09 wrote: »

He is trying to scare you & bully you into doing what he wants. Let him go to court and pay solicitor fees. The courts will do what is in the best interests of BOTH your children. They will also frown upon his bullying tactics. Keep a diary and the texts he sends you and please seek your own legal advice as soon as possible. Be reasonable with access even though you are angry etc it will benefit your kids and your case in the long run. Lots of people have medical conditions deemed worse than depression and dont lose their children. The court will look at the whole package not just who works more hours or earns more money.

Thank you! Yes Iv got every text along with the name calling. Should I also write all this down with the date and time?
The children are very happy together and although there is a big age gap they get along great and play together etc. They both miss each other when not together.
I havnt denied him acess so far, and I wouldnt do that as not fair on him and my son.

LJM

do not let him bully you, keep and copy texts keep dates times of when he has confronted you get legal advice but do not let him do this to you he sounds like a nasty piece of work

diesel70

Liquorice_Twirls wrote: »

So you're suffering from depression but manage to work 3 days a week and raise 2 children. That sounds like you are coping with the depression in a way that does not make your life unmanageable. He works 6 days a week until 7-8 pm at night. If he were to quit his job or reduce his hours massively to be there to care for your children if he were given residency, the standard of life he could provide financially and materially would reduce substantially. I can't see how a court would award residency to him when you seem to be coping OK.

I think what is at the heart of this is the amount of control he is trying to exert on you. This would be depressing, frustrating and miserable for anyone, so it may be that this is also contributing to your depression. You are doing the right thing by contacting a solicitor, but I think you should have as little contact as possible with him, keep a diary of all he says/does/texts/says to the children about you and hold tight to the knowledge that your children are happy with you.

He can't maybe get at you as you are now apart - so he is trying to exert control through the children.

We both have our own business's so he couldnt just give it up.
I would say I have my good and bad days but whenever I have a bad day and feel like doing nothing I just think of the boys and know I have to stay strong for them so they are both already effected from this I dont want them effected even more. Plus I need to go to work to make money as he wont give me a penny either to help provide nappys food etc. He said his lawyer has said he doesnt need to as he provides everything he needs when he is at his house. Which I know is rubbish as I have been going through a csa case the past 7 years which is now at court stage as Iv not recieved a payment yet.

Mojisola

I also think the courts wouldn't like the idea of separating the two boys so that's another thing in your favour.

I think the order he is threatening you with is a figment of his imagination. The children would have to be at serious risk before they could be taken away without a court order and your children aren't.

I also think you need a new lawyer - this one is talking rubbish. Of course he has to give you money for his son!

alwayspuzzled

diesel70 wrote: »

Thank you for your reply!
Do you know what this order is that means my child can be taken straight off me to him untill a court case?

As far as I know the only way he could do this would be to prove that the child was in grave and immediate danger and get police and social service involvement. Can't think how he could get a 'order' to get residency without going to court, don't think anyone other than a court has authority to make a residency order.