Grandmother jealous of other grandmother (long intro!)

flippin36

I totally appreciate how you feel about safety in your parents home (and outside) have had a similar concerns myself and I decided that leaving my child with my parents isn't a good idea. We make lots of visits to them, and they babysit for us, in our home when the majority of the time he is sleeping. But I made the decision not to leave him there - as much as I like my parents. (And yes it doesn't go down too well but my child comes first).

However, I may be wrong, but reading between the lines I think you are just really hacked off with your mum for not being the architypal lovely, fluffy, cuddly wise grandma that you see in your MIL. I do think (taking the health and safety issues aside) that you want your mother to be someone she isn't and are letting what I would consider small things to be bigger than what they actually are (having a dog, being late, no housewarming card, no phone call to your wife). Sometimes you just have to accept the way people are, even if you don't like it, and plan your OWN life accordingly.

There are things that bug me about my own parents - I dislike their caotic lifestyle, forgetfulness, lack of thought, selfishness etc etc. But there is not a great deal I can do about it - its just the way they are. So I roll my sleeves up and just get on with my life, without any expectations from them.


BTW I think the conversation about the party with your mum is quite common particulary regarding first grandchildren and feeling left out etc. I found it all gets easier as the child gets older and it all settles down. Hope it turns out ok for you. Families are not always easy.

LillythePink

Like friendships, families can be a one way street full of take take take

take a step back from her and just take it easy and don't be guilt tripped or wound up that she is jealous of your MIL. it's her problem, not yours.

also - a question..........your name henpecked - does that relate to your wife or mum???

cheepskate_2

(QUOITE)The purpose of the email is regarding my daughters second birthday on Tuesday. Now I had a work do ON Saturday, and Sunday is a day when three (of OHs side of the family - inc the only child to be there this year(as we have just moved) couldnt make it. So we opted to have a gathering of sorts on her actual birthday.

Now my mother gets het up because I mentioned to her that the weekend was out for the get together as some people couldnt make it, and the arranged time on Tuesday is equally inconvenient for them. I understand how this appears to her but I have explained that she could easily get the time off to come to an event such as the birthday of her grandchild. My sister was annoyed as she works evenings. The get together cant be in the veenign (when mum finishes) as she wouldnt get to my house until 7.30pm when it is time for my daughter to go to bed. So I cant really win.

Am i right o.p in that you changed the day/time to suit your OH's family, that then meant your mother /sister couldnt make it , even tho you state they can get time off.

It seems as if you prefere the inlaws and seem to make it very obvious to your mother. It looks like you are goingout of your way to accommodate your wifes side , but expect your parents to drop everything and go with these plans to accommodate the inlaws .

It comes across as if you put your family down at every oportunity, and make out the inlaws are so lovely.

BitterAndTwisted

OP, it sounds like your mother won't be happy with whatever it is that you do. My sister has a mother-in-law just like that and the poor woman just couldn't please her no matter what she tried. Now, she doesn't and I don't think you should either.

Keep your distance and don't run around after her. Unreasonably demanding and hard-to-please people only get more and more demanding the more you try to please them, so stop playing that game.

Bloomin_Freezing2

Wow, she sounds something like my grandmother inlaw. She too is a miserable old bag, everyone owes her something and god help you if you don't give her what you owe. She announced a couple of years ago that she would not be sending my dad a christmas card as she'd sent one the previous year and not had one back (i'm sure he's gutted about this!).

June 2006 was the last time I saw her, after years of biting my tongue I let rip, telling her everything she'd ever said that pee'd me off. Life is much nicer without her. My OH can feel free to visit her whenever he likes. Honestly I just wish the old bag would hurry uo and fall off her perch!

For you, it's obviously hard. I'm afraid as others said you cannot please everyone, and never will, so just do whats best for you and your family at home. Stuff everyone else. I hope your daughter has a lovely birthday.

Gingham_Ribbon

Your child is at risk in her home and no matter how upsetting it is for her, you are right to refuse to let her care for her at home.

What about asking her to look after your child at your house, away from the dogs? If she doesn't want to do it, it's her tough luck.

As for the rest of it, how about this:

This is how we're doing it. We'd love you to be a part of it but if you don't want to be we understand and our door will be always open.

Greener_Grass

I remember your previous threads, i'm impressed you haven't just told your mum to sod off!

i was in stitches at the phone call part, she sounds like quite a peice of work.

ViolaLass

On the one hand: your baby's safety is paramount. I think your concerns about the dog sound reasonable and if my mother couldn't do as I asked on this matter, I wouldn't let my daughter be with her without me.

On the other hand: you do sound a bit holier than thou sometimes - in your last paragraph, for example.

I think it would help your blood pressure if you let go of a few things, such as her not getting you a 'new home' card. I've had very few new home cards in my life - they're hardly vital, are they? Stop trying to find evidence of her all round badness and just concentrate on the really important things such as your daughter's safety.

If you prefer to spend time with your OH's family and are more prepared to fit events round them, that's fine, just be honest about it, at least to yourself. You don't HAVE to have a relationship with your mother but I think it would be better for your sanity if you decided what kind of relationship, if any, you would like it to be rather than lurching from rage to rage.

henpecked1

cheepskate wrote: »

(QUOITE)The purpose of the email is regarding my daughters second birthday on Tuesday. Now I had a work do ON Saturday, and Sunday is a day when three (of OHs side of the family - inc the only child to be there this year(as we have just moved) couldnt make it. So we opted to have a gathering of sorts on her actual birthday.

Now my mother gets het up because I mentioned to her that the weekend was out for the get together as some people couldnt make it, and the arranged time on Tuesday is equally inconvenient for them. I understand how this appears to her but I have explained that she could easily get the time off to come to an event such as the birthday of her grandchild. My sister was annoyed as she works evenings. The get together cant be in the veenign (when mum finishes) as she wouldnt get to my house until 7.30pm when it is time for my daughter to go to bed. So I cant really win.

Am i right o.p in that you changed the day/time to suit your OH's family, that then meant your mother /sister couldnt make it , even tho you state they can get time off.

It seems as if you prefere the inlaws and seem to make it very obvious to your mother. It looks like you are goingout of your way to accommodate your wifes side , but expect your parents to drop everything and go with these plans to accommodate the inlaws .

It comes across as if you put your family down at every oportunity, and make out the inlaws are so lovely.

Hello

It was about weighing up numbers.

There are three members on my side to come and six on the otherside.
Even if we did do a Sunday (which three of OH side couldnt make (including the only child to come)), my mother is still working that day.

By picking 5pm on a Tuesday, my mum wouldnt lose a whole Sunday's pay instead just loses 3 hours - and even then she could have swapped shifts. My dad could have left work a couple of hours early (in fact he has lots of holiday left and has managed to book a half day). Mym sister, I cannot avoid her not coming, she isnt allowed time off her M&S job over xmas.

I also didnt mention Christmas Day in my OP. Last Xmas we went to my folks. This year in our new home we have decided to have Xmas in our home. We invited up my mum, dad and sis for Christmas evening (as they want to spend the day at home) but beacuse OHs mum will be there (she is divorced and on her own - and spent last Xmas with her son), my mum refuses to come. My date cites that he likes to drink at Xmas. So even when they are all off Xmas day, they dont even make the effort to come over.

For what it is worth OHs side of the family have been A* with my family. Generous, warm inviting etc. My sister went on holiday this year with us and OHs mum and she loved OHs mum, so it isnt about the way she feels she is treated, it is some bizarre preconceived notion that she is always in competition.

henpecked1

Gingham_Ribbon wrote: »

Your child is at risk in her home and no matter how upsetting it is for her, you are right to refuse to let her care for her at home.

What about asking her to look after your child at your house, away from the dogs? If she doesn't want to do it, it's her tough luck.

As for the rest of it, how about this:

This is how we're doing it. We'd love you to be a part of it but if you don't want to be we understand and our door will be always open.

I did suggest a few weeks ago to mum that she could come over to our house on Mondays (the day she is free) and look after our daughter. However, she refused.

She wants me to drive 40 miles to her house at 7am on a Monday morning to drop her off, just so she can have her at her house with the dog, take the dog and child to the park in the freezing cold and show her as a trophy to her mates.

Also, i should add that despite being parents themselves, my folks leave the pushchair in the car fully erected because they cannot grasp the lever has to be pulled to close down the buggy. When I feel they cant even master a simple buggy, have little common sense, what else are they going to be stupis at?

We are supposed to be going down on Boxing Day but I think I will decline that now as I can feel my OH who has bit her tongue to this point will say something.