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Grandmother jealous of other grandmother (long intro!)
henpecked1
Posts: 404 Forumite
I think i started a thread a year ago about another argument and I have come to the brink of my emotion on this one.
Get yourself a cuppa
Background
My OH works three days a week. Her mum has our near 2 year old on Mondays and Tuesdays. She used to stay overnight when we lived 50 miles away. We used to drop her off Sun pm or Monday am and pick her up Tuesday. Her mum is fine.
On Friday's my mum used to have her. As I have previously said, there were aspects of the childcare I wasnt happy with, namely their big dog which they promised to shut away when my daughter was there, but they never did. I heard from someone that they used to let our daughter crawl into the dog cage.
Once when we were walking around the park, she tied the big dog to the pram (which is dangerous) and when walking near the river down a slopey footpath, the dog headed for the river and as she was pushing the pram, she let go of the pram to grab the dog. Thankfully the person walking with her grabbed the pram.
In essence, my mother lacks common sense. 20 Years ago with their last dulux dog, my mother left my 9 month old sister alone with the dog and his biscuits and nipped upstairs. The dog bit my sisters face and scarred her for life. I mention this every now and then to reiterate the reason I dont like the newer dog being around my daughter (which i think is understandable).
My mum refuses to accept any responsibility for the dog attacking my sister. She asked me "do you actually blame me". I told her yes, as the baby nor the dumb animal were responsible for the situation. My dad told his boss that he blamed my baby sister for playing with the dogs biscuits. So there you have it.
Anyway, I mentioned to my father a year ago that my daughter would have to go to nursery at some point. He relayed this to my mother and WW3 started as she took it to mean i was instantly witdhrawing her services. As we didnt speak for a month, she had to go to nursery and she has been there ever since (except when we moved last month we changed bursery)
My mother worships her dulux. Spends 3 hours a day walking it (10am till 1pm). She works Tues-Fri 3.30pm-6pm in a shop and also works Sundays.
Naturally, as is the case when a girl has a baby, her mother is more involved. Because the babysitting journey and our daughter spending 1-2 nights from home wasn't ideal (and only short term) we finally moved (it took a year!)
Now her mum I have to say is the opposite of my mum. Her house is pet free (she strongly doesnt do animals and children), she is clean, and worships our little one. She will even warm her pajamas on the radiator for bedtime, in short, her mum is 100% grandmotherly and maternal so naturally now we have moved walking distance, she is a major part of our lives.
Having said that, my mum isnt a maternal type. I may be out of order to expect this, but my mother turned up an hour late to her grandadughters party (held on Sunday) because of work (she had 3 months notice of the party date!). My motehr can easily get time off when she wants to go out with friends or drive to Cornwall in the snow and ice on her own for a few day break.
When my OH was home for 6 weeks post CSection, my mum never once picked up the phone to ask if she needed anything, or even came for a visit. As mum could spare a morning from walking the dog, she could have picked up the phone or offered to see us. The dog walk is also a danger to the child. There are times when mum has told me she has been bitten by a dog (within the group of people she walks round with).
The purpose of the email is regarding my daughters second birthday on Tuesday. Now I had a work do ON Saturday, and Sunday is a day when three (of OHs side of the family - inc the only child to be there this year(as we have just moved) couldnt make it. So we opted to have a gathering of sorts on her actual birthday.
Now my mother gets het up because I mentioned to her that the weekend was out for the get together as some people couldnt make it, and the arranged time on Tuesday is equally inconvenient for them. I understand how this appears to her but I have explained that she could easily get the time off to come to an event such as the birthday of her grandchild. My sister was annoyed as she works evenings. The get together cant be in the veenign (when mum finishes) as she wouldnt get to my house until 7.30pm when it is time for my daughter to go to bed. So I cant really win.
Anyway, I invited my parents and my sis to my house last night for dinner. I thought the evening went well, everyone had a good time. I bought a birthday cake specially as my mum, dad and sis would miss/couldnt be bothred (insert excuse) to come Tuesday and we lit the candles and sang happy birthday.
My dad announced before the cake that he was going to come Tuesday.
Anyway, today is today, and I geta call from my mother. Which went something like this
Mum - Why havent you invited your grandmother (my mums mum) to the birthday party.
Me - Well up until yesterday Dad wasnt coming and as it is an hour drive each way, i would have had to do a 4 hours of driving when I am trying to organise my daughters birthday
Mum - Well I am a bit put out. You didnt mention that last night was "our side of the families" gathering for he party. It is very them and us.
Me - No mum, i invited you for dinner as you complained you dont spend time with her. I made sure none of the OHs family were there as you would have probably walked out
Mum - I would have
Me - so what am I to do
Mum - well Dad isnt coming now
Me - right.
Mum - you should have invited your grandmother
Me - Mum, it was grannys birthday last week, you havent seen her, havent given her a card, a present or anything. You only called her because i texted you to remind you.
Mum - she didnt buy me a birthday card on my birthday
Me - well here you are telling me to do the right thing. Anyway, I cant spare 4 hours tomorrow
Mum - Dad would have picked her up
Me - I only knew he was coming yesterday and now you have just said he wasnt coming.
Mum - I was unprepared for yeaterday. What exectly is in this for me?
Me - how selfish - i invited you to dinner to spend time with your grandaughter. You cant come to her birthday so i got a cake and candles so she could blow them out.
Mum - its all wrong. It is her side and our side.
Me - if my sister works nights and you work sundays, and my daughters b'day is Tuesday, when exactly am I supposed to have the informal party???? I am taking the day off tomorrow Mum, I have to make the effort as well. I cant ask 10 people to take the only day off work you dont work (Monday) just to please you. When exactly am I suppose to have the party?
Mum - Satuday
Me - I couldnt, I was driving back from the office party, I had a tree to get, hosue to decrate, Christmas shopping to do. ANyway, i am going to go as I am getting upset now.
Anyway, my parents seem to think it is "them and us". Truth is, my mother hasnt ever really called up to offer to come and visit. In 2 years, we have been invited once to an impromptu roast dinner on a sunday she has had off.
If I feel my mother hasnt seen my daughter for a while, I often drive 50 miles to where she works to see her.
Another thing that upset my mother is the previous three times my mum has been at our new home, OHs mum has been there. As I have tried to explain
the first time was moving in day. Her mum was looking after our littleun (as she lives 1 min walk away). As mum mum and I entered the house, OHs mum and our daughter came over (NATURAL ENOUGH!) Have you ever tried to move with a toddler?
The second time was when mum came over to help get the remainer of stuff with me from self storage. We came back with a van load an OHs mum and brother were there. Brother was helping with the shed, and OHs mum came over as she was seeing OHs brothers daughter (her otehr grandaughter) before they went on hol for a week.
The third time - hang on, there hasnt been a third time.
Finally, my mother hasnt even bought me a so dding NEW HOME card. Again, she can be very unthoughtful especially as she walked around our new home the moment we got the key and turned her nose up at it. She is prob the last one to critique what should/shouldnt be done behaviour wise. This is the same mum, who when her mum had her hip replaced visited ONCE in 6 months. I was down every day (10 mile detour) because a) i wanted to help b) i was doing the right thing. She doesnt even go and see her mum who lives 3 miles away and she drives past each day. If it wasnt for me seeing my granny every week, she would have no visitors.
Grrr
sorry. You can make another cup of tea.
Get yourself a cuppa
Background
My OH works three days a week. Her mum has our near 2 year old on Mondays and Tuesdays. She used to stay overnight when we lived 50 miles away. We used to drop her off Sun pm or Monday am and pick her up Tuesday. Her mum is fine.
On Friday's my mum used to have her. As I have previously said, there were aspects of the childcare I wasnt happy with, namely their big dog which they promised to shut away when my daughter was there, but they never did. I heard from someone that they used to let our daughter crawl into the dog cage.
Once when we were walking around the park, she tied the big dog to the pram (which is dangerous) and when walking near the river down a slopey footpath, the dog headed for the river and as she was pushing the pram, she let go of the pram to grab the dog. Thankfully the person walking with her grabbed the pram.
In essence, my mother lacks common sense. 20 Years ago with their last dulux dog, my mother left my 9 month old sister alone with the dog and his biscuits and nipped upstairs. The dog bit my sisters face and scarred her for life. I mention this every now and then to reiterate the reason I dont like the newer dog being around my daughter (which i think is understandable).
My mum refuses to accept any responsibility for the dog attacking my sister. She asked me "do you actually blame me". I told her yes, as the baby nor the dumb animal were responsible for the situation. My dad told his boss that he blamed my baby sister for playing with the dogs biscuits. So there you have it.
Anyway, I mentioned to my father a year ago that my daughter would have to go to nursery at some point. He relayed this to my mother and WW3 started as she took it to mean i was instantly witdhrawing her services. As we didnt speak for a month, she had to go to nursery and she has been there ever since (except when we moved last month we changed bursery)
My mother worships her dulux. Spends 3 hours a day walking it (10am till 1pm). She works Tues-Fri 3.30pm-6pm in a shop and also works Sundays.
Naturally, as is the case when a girl has a baby, her mother is more involved. Because the babysitting journey and our daughter spending 1-2 nights from home wasn't ideal (and only short term) we finally moved (it took a year!)
Now her mum I have to say is the opposite of my mum. Her house is pet free (she strongly doesnt do animals and children), she is clean, and worships our little one. She will even warm her pajamas on the radiator for bedtime, in short, her mum is 100% grandmotherly and maternal so naturally now we have moved walking distance, she is a major part of our lives.
Having said that, my mum isnt a maternal type. I may be out of order to expect this, but my mother turned up an hour late to her grandadughters party (held on Sunday) because of work (she had 3 months notice of the party date!). My motehr can easily get time off when she wants to go out with friends or drive to Cornwall in the snow and ice on her own for a few day break.
When my OH was home for 6 weeks post CSection, my mum never once picked up the phone to ask if she needed anything, or even came for a visit. As mum could spare a morning from walking the dog, she could have picked up the phone or offered to see us. The dog walk is also a danger to the child. There are times when mum has told me she has been bitten by a dog (within the group of people she walks round with).
The purpose of the email is regarding my daughters second birthday on Tuesday. Now I had a work do ON Saturday, and Sunday is a day when three (of OHs side of the family - inc the only child to be there this year(as we have just moved) couldnt make it. So we opted to have a gathering of sorts on her actual birthday.
Now my mother gets het up because I mentioned to her that the weekend was out for the get together as some people couldnt make it, and the arranged time on Tuesday is equally inconvenient for them. I understand how this appears to her but I have explained that she could easily get the time off to come to an event such as the birthday of her grandchild. My sister was annoyed as she works evenings. The get together cant be in the veenign (when mum finishes) as she wouldnt get to my house until 7.30pm when it is time for my daughter to go to bed. So I cant really win.
Anyway, I invited my parents and my sis to my house last night for dinner. I thought the evening went well, everyone had a good time. I bought a birthday cake specially as my mum, dad and sis would miss/couldnt be bothred (insert excuse) to come Tuesday and we lit the candles and sang happy birthday.
My dad announced before the cake that he was going to come Tuesday.
Anyway, today is today, and I geta call from my mother. Which went something like this
Mum - Why havent you invited your grandmother (my mums mum) to the birthday party.
Me - Well up until yesterday Dad wasnt coming and as it is an hour drive each way, i would have had to do a 4 hours of driving when I am trying to organise my daughters birthday
Mum - Well I am a bit put out. You didnt mention that last night was "our side of the families" gathering for he party. It is very them and us.
Me - No mum, i invited you for dinner as you complained you dont spend time with her. I made sure none of the OHs family were there as you would have probably walked out
Mum - I would have
Me - so what am I to do
Mum - well Dad isnt coming now
Me - right.
Mum - you should have invited your grandmother
Me - Mum, it was grannys birthday last week, you havent seen her, havent given her a card, a present or anything. You only called her because i texted you to remind you.
Mum - she didnt buy me a birthday card on my birthday
Me - well here you are telling me to do the right thing. Anyway, I cant spare 4 hours tomorrow
Mum - Dad would have picked her up
Me - I only knew he was coming yesterday and now you have just said he wasnt coming.
Mum - I was unprepared for yeaterday. What exectly is in this for me?
Me - how selfish - i invited you to dinner to spend time with your grandaughter. You cant come to her birthday so i got a cake and candles so she could blow them out.
Mum - its all wrong. It is her side and our side.
Me - if my sister works nights and you work sundays, and my daughters b'day is Tuesday, when exactly am I supposed to have the informal party???? I am taking the day off tomorrow Mum, I have to make the effort as well. I cant ask 10 people to take the only day off work you dont work (Monday) just to please you. When exactly am I suppose to have the party?
Mum - Satuday
Me - I couldnt, I was driving back from the office party, I had a tree to get, hosue to decrate, Christmas shopping to do. ANyway, i am going to go as I am getting upset now.
Anyway, my parents seem to think it is "them and us". Truth is, my mother hasnt ever really called up to offer to come and visit. In 2 years, we have been invited once to an impromptu roast dinner on a sunday she has had off.
If I feel my mother hasnt seen my daughter for a while, I often drive 50 miles to where she works to see her.
Another thing that upset my mother is the previous three times my mum has been at our new home, OHs mum has been there. As I have tried to explain
the first time was moving in day. Her mum was looking after our littleun (as she lives 1 min walk away). As mum mum and I entered the house, OHs mum and our daughter came over (NATURAL ENOUGH!) Have you ever tried to move with a toddler?
The second time was when mum came over to help get the remainer of stuff with me from self storage. We came back with a van load an OHs mum and brother were there. Brother was helping with the shed, and OHs mum came over as she was seeing OHs brothers daughter (her otehr grandaughter) before they went on hol for a week.
The third time - hang on, there hasnt been a third time.
Finally, my mother hasnt even bought me a so dding NEW HOME card. Again, she can be very unthoughtful especially as she walked around our new home the moment we got the key and turned her nose up at it. She is prob the last one to critique what should/shouldnt be done behaviour wise. This is the same mum, who when her mum had her hip replaced visited ONCE in 6 months. I was down every day (10 mile detour) because a) i wanted to help b) i was doing the right thing. She doesnt even go and see her mum who lives 3 miles away and she drives past each day. If it wasnt for me seeing my granny every week, she would have no visitors.
Grrr
sorry. You can make another cup of tea.
0
Comments
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henpecked1 wrote: »today is today
This bit I get, now where's that whiskey.0 -
hope you feel better for your rant, thats families for you.
just go with the flow, and dont let her guilt trip you.
You have a family of yur own now and they have priority.
Good luckmake the most of it, we are only here for the weekend.
and we will never, ever return.0 -
Sorry the OP was too long, but based on the dog issue alone (the only part I read up to) I'd take my daughter off her immediately. Stuff her if she doesn't care about her GD's welfare when her own child already suffered a dog attack!
I am personally against childcare in the form of CMs and nurseries but in this situation I'd have no hesitation using it!0 -
You should have read it all, Plans_ it got more interesting
OP you can choose your family you know, or at least you can choose when you want to see them. If I were you the only two things I would have done were to have invited grandmother initially and told her you couldn't give her a lift, maybe your dad would have offered then. And the second thing would have been to have told your mother to grow up.It's what is inside your head that matters in life - not what's outside your windowEvery worthwhile accomplishment, big or little, has its stages of drudgery and triumph; a beginning, a struggle and a victory. - Ghandi0 -
Families borrow a child for their first 18 years, after that it is up to the family to get on in order to continue the relationship.
I strongly believe if the contract is broken, either party has the right to break ties or to reduce the amount of time they spend with one another.
I think this might be your moment to start slowing down on the contact.0 -
After what happened to the OP's sister, I wouldn't let his mother look after any baby let alone his own baby! As for the rest, the woman sounds very self-centred and thoughtless. I would suggest the OP, while remaining perfectly calm and civil, should cease inconveniencing himself in any way or paying any particular attention to her beyond the common everyday courtesies whenever they happen to meet/talk. The OP's mother will thus have the comfort of knowing her son will be behaving exactly like herself and, presumably, how she intended to raise him. God, I sound harsh! I'm just so shocked at the dog biting incident.0
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jackieglasgow wrote: »You should have read it all, Plans_ it got more interesting
OP you can choose your family you know, or at least you can choose when you want to see them. If I were you the only two things I would have done were to have invited grandmother initially and told her you couldn't give her a lift, maybe your dad would have offered then. And the second thing would have been to have told your mother to grow up.
Totally agree with that but want to add OP you are not acting much better when you are upset because your mother was at your daughter's party an hour late because of work. At least she turned up! And if it was last birthday your child was only 1 and wouldn't have noticed! I can tell you what my boss would say if I wanted time off to attend a child's birthday party!
You both need to grow up and you need communicate better with your family. And don't give people choices that will upset others: ie "we're having a party on that day at such and such a time" and that is that. Don't go changing it because 3 people can't attend! Then everyone will expect you to change your plans to suit them. And that's how family wars start.LBM: August 2006 £12,568.49 - DFD 22nd March 2012
"The road to DF is long and bumpy" GreenSaints0 -
OP the dog incidents alone (including the one with your poor sister) would have convinced me your mum has her priorities completely wrong. Your mother may change over time. You cannot make her change, however. I would just concentrate on your own family,keep visiting your gran and let them get on with it. Send birthday and Christmas cards and regular photos of your daughter,be pleasant if you see one another and leave the ball in her court. Have a lovely Christmas xx:)Nuts oh Hazelnuts:rotfl:0
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Sounds like she the kind of woman you can never please - therefore i think i would give up trying and concentrate on your own lovely little family0
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If it was me i'd have told my parents to do one and get lost, but that is families for you.0
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