Disciplining the children how do you do it ??

poppyscorner

Following on from blue monkeys house rules thread really but...........

I just wondered what are the consequences if the rules are broken for your kids.

Our house is chaos :o

At present we have rules that neither of the kids really stick to and I don't know what punishments to dish out.

DS1 (almost 8yrs old) thinks I'm a joke he laughs in my face constantly he wrecks his room constantly he had a massive collection of toys which are pretty much all broken now all his DVD's are also wrecked and he's down to about 3 of these everything else went in the bin. His passion is football so atm if he misbehaves football practice is cancelled, match attacks confiscated as well as his football. Thats not working he still just laughs have to admit (and i know some will shoot me down) I have smacked his bottom a few times for the laughing in my face it stops him laughing there and then but next time I tell him off he does the same thing again. This was brought up at his recent parents evening at school and he is also doing it to his teacher which I am mortified at. I have tried talking him through why I am cross with him what I want from him we've had star charts too and whilst he liked the stars he didnt bother much if he didnt get them.

DS2 (almost4 yrs) atm behaves better than DS1 but also has his moments he is beginning to follow his brothers ways though and I want to nip it all in the bud. I'm not really sure what I should be expecting from him either is he old enough to understand rules and consequences even ??

Household is made up of me, OH (not the boys biological father but an equal parent and authority figure in the house), DS1 and DS2 both me and OH work full time well I'm a FT student nurse but just about to qualify OH is an engineer.

I just don't know tbh

Can anyone give any advice ? Or share what happens in your house? or even point me to a decent parenting forum where I could discuss further and please don't get me wrong the kids aren't the worst kids in the world we love them both dearly just want some order in this house.

Any help appreciated

xx

shelley_crow

With DS who is almost six, he gets a stern warning if he does something wrong or naughty. If this is ignored, he gets put on the naughty step for 5 minutes to think about what he's done. He then tells me why what he did was wrong and apologises.

He knows that we follow through on threats for bad behaviour. His behaviour at this time last year was dreadful. He was warned that if he carried on mistreating his toys and being rude he'd have no toys to play with. He didn't think we would but I made him bag his toys up in bin liners. He got to keep a few toys of sentimental value but he cmae with me to take three bin liners of toys down to the charity shop. I explained to him that some children didn't get nice things because they didn't have the money to buy them and that he should be grateful for what he has. He now knows that treating his toys badly will mean that he doesn't get them, he was allowed to keep all his books and this really improved his reading in that time!

If your son is doing the same take everything out bar the bare essentials, bed, lamp etc. If he's good then he gets something back, if he's not then it's his own fault, Reward good behaviour.

It is difficult but you do have to follow through and stick to what you have said, otherwise they won't take you seriously.

Good luck!

minimoneysaver

When my little girl went through a tough period, I took her build a bears away (she loves them!) and locked them in the shed. She earned them back for good behaviour and as soon as she was naughty, she lost one back into the shed. I have to say, although I had a lot of trips to the shed, I made it clear that if she hadn't earnt them back, they would be going to charity.... to which she cried buckets :-(

minimoneysaver

I meant to say, apart from that, I take time off her bedtime. Her bedtime is 7pm and for each thing, she loses 10min. So for example she didn't get up when I asked her this morning and had to be asked to brush her teeth several times, so tonight (if all goes well after school), she is going to bed at 6:40. This seems to be quite effective for us.

Sambucus_Nigra

I think before you discipline, you need to set the boundaries and actually parent them!

If your house is chaos it's because it's that they don't know what they should be doing.....and only you can tell them this.

poppyscorner

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

I think before you discipline, you need to set the boundaries and actually parent them!

If your house is chaos it's because it's that they don't know what they should be doing.....and only you can tell them this.

Yeah I know you're right we're having a family meeting tonight so we can all talk about what rules we should have and where the boundaries should be.

I have let it go too long and now I'm going to have to backpeddle furiously to fix it, however I am sure I'm not the only parent who has ever felt like this.

I just wanted advice on what punishments others use as a way to enforce the rules.

FBaby

There is only one way about it, follow up not your threats but consequences. I have a girl and boy, girl always aimed to please and so never had to do too much disciplining, boy though was another matter. He is now 8 though and has thoroughly absorbed the concept of consequences and as a result, disciplining him is now quite straight forward.

What you need to do is have a list of acceptable consequences. The problem we have as parents is that we don't think about them in advance, and so are ditched when we are most cross and come up with consequences we can't, or won't apply. The kids know it, and it is all pointless. The other important thing is to try to stay calm when bringing them up so it definitely comes up as 'consequences' and not a 'punishement'. Consequence mean that it is their doing, the outcome of the choice they made rather than a punishement being thrown out of anger from parent.

The turning day for us was when DS was 5 and was a real pain in the bum. We were supposed to go out and meet with a friend of mine to a farm for a fun day. I did the usual thing, started asking him to do one thing or the other, then started to get more and more aggrevated by his behaviour, lost my calm, started telling off, finishing by 'fine, then we are not going to the farm'. He looked at me and laugh, because even at 5, he knew very well that I couldn't go along with it since we had made arrangements with my friend and were due to leave in less than 10 minutes. Well I called my friend (who had that time didn't have kids yet), explained the situation and asked her whether she would mind if we cancelled. She was really good about it, understood, and that was it. My boy was in such shocked, he had the biggest tantrum ever after that, but boy did it work! I just had to remind him of this incident and knew that I meant business. He now rarely challenges me and I am about to negotiate with him whilst remaining calm because he doesn't test me much any longer. He has also learnt to think of the consequences before he gets very angry, which helps him to plan.

For exemple, i want him to get off the the wii in 1/2 hour. I tell him in advance, remind him in 10 minutes and then time is up. In the past, he would have told me no, then shouted, then have a big tantrum when I turned it off myself. Now, he plans it and often come off it on his own. If he gives me the indication he might not minutes before time is up, I remind him calmly that there will be a consequence (likely to be off wii for a week), remind him of a time when this happened, and telling him that it is up to him in the end. It works every time now except for the very occasional time when he is especially grumpy (i then carry out the warning).

FBaby

consequences for me are:
- going to bed earlier the following evening (and not forgetting no matter what might come up, following up with the consequence is priority number 1)
- off wii for a week
- friend not coming over (again, call the mum, really apologise, explain consequence)
- off computer

really, all the things that mean a lot to my boy!

Sublime_2

FBaby wrote: »

consequences for me are:
- going to bed earlier the following evening (and not forgetting no matter what might come up, following up with the consequence is priority number 1)
- off wii for a week
- friend not coming over (again, call the mum, really apologise, explain consequence)
- off computer

really, all the things that mean a lot to my boy!

Reward charts are good for getting those privilges lost "as consequences" back.

gingin_2

Ds has various consequences.

He can be a bit of a clown in class so if he has played up at school it's no computer/ wii and half an hour earlier to bed and I go to see the teacher the next day to check he has been well behaved and then he gets those privileges back.

If he's rude/ rolls eyes/ attitude with anyone in the house it's up to his room.

If he doesn't do his share of chores/ jobs arond the house he loses some or all of his pocket money. He and his sister both know exactly what they are expected to do, so there is no confusion.

I used to use the naughty step but he's 10 now and I think there are better ways of punishing him but it was effective when he was yonger.

My rule has always been to follow through with my threats. He gets a warning but he never gets let off after that, even if it's inconvenient.

MissMotivation

Punishments for my Daughter are

1) Confiscation of her mobile phone (she hates this one lol)
2) No pocket money off her Nan that week if she has been naughty
3) Confiscation of anything of importance to her. When she was vile earlier on in the year I put her TV, DVD player, Wii and Ipod in my Car and drove around with them for a month until she earned them back!