Difficult Teenager in the house

BitterAndTwisted

Time to get tough, Melanie. No respect for your home and possessions, no sharing of the household chores equals no money.

I was a hateful teenager once upon a time and put my poor mother right through the wringer. I got a short, sharp shock when I pushed her too far and got a slap across the face. That made me sit up and take notice and I was careful to watch my step after that. Not that I'd necessarily recommend it to every parent..... I was lucky that I wasn't kicked out, really.

Vaila

i agree bitter and twisted, giver her an ultimatum, yes she is doing well at school but other than that she seems disrespectful

regarding the slap, i have no problems with a quick slap it amazes me how younger children get away with murder as they know they wont be punished, only verbally its no good telling your child off a quick tap on the behind or the stopping of allowances or treats is better

jayII

My DD is 15, almost 16, and has been OK for the last couple of years. The 11-14 stage was a nightmare, but she has settled down now. I was lucky in that I've worked with a lot of really 'difficult' kids and teens, so I had a few tricks up my sleeve.

I'd say you need to have a few clear and straightforward rules. Not too many as it's easier to begin with a few and really enforce those, rather than constantly clash over too many 'dont's'.

Decide which things are most important/intollerable to you, and go from there. Don't argue, just firmly and calmly state what you want her to do, then ignore the tears and tantrums. When she calms down, repeat what you want her to do, and so on.

Teenagers are a mess of hormones and emotions, they can't help getting riled up and emotional and overreacting to things. It is up to us, as adults, to set a calm and sensible example. Getting worked up and emotional yourself will just result in an ever more heated environment. If you stay calm, I can virtually guarantee that things will get easier and she will also manage to stay calmer.

They really are like toddlers on many levels, just MUCH harder to deal with. Another thing that will help is making yourself 'available' to talk when it suits her. For some reason, they don't seem to be able to fit into others' schedules. Drives you mad, but it's just how they are. Good luck!!

Blackpool_Saver

Hit a 16 year old across the face, nice idea that. Hmmm, how would you feel if the boyfriend did that? yes lets hit this young woman in to submission. May as well pack her stuff now, she will be gone that quick and the parents up in court.

Lokolo

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

Hit a 16 year old across the face, nice idea that. Hmmm, how would you feel if the boyfriend did that? yes lets hit this young woman in to submission. May as well pack her stuff now, she will be gone that quick and the parents up in court.

Well suggest something else then?

Blackpool_Saver

Lokolo wrote: »

Well suggest something else then?

I already did Loko, I have posted several times in this thread.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

Hit a 16 year old across the face, nice idea that. Hmmm, how would you feel if the boyfriend did that? yes lets hit this young woman in to submission. May as well pack her stuff now, she will be gone that quick and the parents up in court.

Quite frankly, if a teenager is hellbent on doing whatever it is that she wants to do, then it is irrelevant whether the parent waps her one or not - the teen will engineer a situation where she feels it's all her parents' fault, nobody understands her, it's all so cruel and evil and her only chance is to dash off into the sunset away from evil, nasty mummy.

Said by a parent who never walloped the eldest, was reasonable, explained things, didn't have excessive rules, but still had them, would never have used the sister/friend analogy, blah, blah, blah. The eldest still stole, lied, cheated, manipulated and left home when being allowed to stay at the boyfriend's on a Saturday night wasn't enough and I wasn't prepared to have them share a room with DD2 (and yes, I did explain just how inappropriate that was to suggest).

Oh, and the odds are that they will skive off school and go to his house instead if you take the door key off her. But if you're lucky, his mum will be at home all day and they are left with the choice of standing in the snow and rain, sulking or getting their backsides into school.

Finally, lock everything of sentimental value (including photos and baby memorabilia) away, as the venom of a teenage girl frustrated in her desires is worse than any viper.


Mine's being equally vile to her father and his wife now. So it's not just me at fault. He wouldn't ever hit her either.

YORKSHIRELASS

Hi, I dont know how much help this is but I was a fairly horrible teenager when I was 16 & 17. My parents brought me up well and never had any issues with my brother but I am ashamed now of how I behaved at times. There was no particular reason why I was so awful, I had a hard time at school because we moved house and I struggled to make friends at the new school, but thats no excuse.

If its any consolation it was a fairly short period of time. I went on to qualify as an Accountant, work my way up to being a senior Manager and have now been happily married for 14 years with 2 kids. I think when I moved out at 18 my relationship with my Mum improved massively and she is now my best friend.

Blackpool_Saver

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Quite frankly, if a teenager is hellbent on doing whatever it is that she wants to do, then it is irrelevant whether the parent waps her one or not - the teen will engineer a situation where she feels it's all her parents' fault, nobody understands her, it's all so cruel and evil and her only chance is to dash off into the sunset away from evil, nasty mummy.

Said by a parent who never walloped the eldest, was reasonable, explained things, didn't have excessive rules, but still had them, would never have used the sister/friend analogy, blah, blah, blah. The eldest still stole, lied, cheated, manipulated and left home when being allowed to stay at the boyfriend's on a Saturday night wasn't enough and I wasn't prepared to have them share a room with DD2 (and yes, I did explain just how inappropriate that was to suggest).

Oh, and the odds are that they will skive off school and go to his house instead if you take the door key off her. But if you're lucky, his mum will be at home all day and they are left with the choice of standing in the snow and rain, sulking or getting their backsides into school.

Finally, lock everything of sentimental value (including photos and baby memorabilia) away, as the venom of a teenage girl frustrated in her desires is worse than any viper.


Mine's being equally vile to her father and his wife now. So it's not just me at fault. He wouldn't ever hit her either.

I agree with all that jojo, except the hitting.
My son has nearly sent me to hell and back, the saving grace has been that he has a girlfriend, and is with her, here in this house and at her mothers. We prefer that as we know they are safe and we can advise them about pregnancy, safe sex, drink, cigs and any other thing that crops up. My son went to a church school and I always set a good example, he learnt the 'ways' he went through, from peers at school, you can't fight that.


OP, I hope you can sort out the stealing, good luck, talk to her.

Savvy_Sue

it could be worth finding out what your options are: sometimes knowing that there IS an alternative makes it more bearable IMO.

DS3 seemed to think that we couldn't throw him out before he was 18: I pointed out to him that DH and I were particularly well placed to know what his housing options were should he feel unable to function as one of the family - Foyer, and we also have some supported housing for 16-25 year olds locally.

oh, and make sure your DD knows that the pill is no defence against STIs - I know condoms are no fun at that age, but sex while still at school is a serious business! although not half as serious as getting pregnant while still at school ...