marriage issues/can I afford to leave my husband?

sadwife

brians_daughter wrote: »

You may be better placed to post the questions re benefits etc in the benefits board as well as here.... from experience it may be in your best interests to find out what help you can get whilst building your new life via the benefits office (or try entitled to - just leave out your hibbys income as you wont be together) plus what csa your child would be entitled to, and go to relate alone to discuss your feelings. Once you are armed with this you will feel in a much more powerful position.

Then if you sit him down, explain the how whys and wheres of the marital issues AND tell him you know what you can get helpwise etc,ie make him aware you are serious and have researched your choices etc he may just be that shocked that he listens and takes on board what you are saying.

If he is shocked (as i imagine he will be, if this is always how you ahve been living he may wonder why its not 'good enough' now iykwim) he may just start to realise what he is about to loose. Then you need to set goals and timescales, no one can change over night and you need to realise this (as i am sure that you do!)

You say you love him, so there is something worth saving if he can adapt to the changes you feel are needed to make the marriage work.

As i say, i did the above and we are still together years later...however, do be prepared for him coming back to you with his version, ie he may have issues with you hence him not communicating etc.

Worst case is he cant see how he is unreasonable and you still have the info you need to move out/on. Once you are working you may be able to get help with nursery fees etc and tax credits and child tax credits, maybe help with rented housing and council tax too... i am no expert but do have friends who have split in a simular situ to you

I wish you well in all this, it must be a horrid time for you x

Thank you. I think this was the angle I was going with when I initially posted. I feel that the better informed I am the better decisions I can make.

I do love him - and he does have some great qualities, although these are the ones that have changed in recent times. There is a point I think I can see when and why this possibly happened and that's why I think its worth working on but he can't seem to see it quite like I do.

I think showing him the alternative for us and our child might show him I'm serious about needing change (again from both of us, not just from him) and needing him on board too.

'speaking' to you all and having an outsiders viewpoint has been really useful. Thank you.

patanne

Whether you stay or go you need to get something in your life that makes YOU feel good about being YOU and not an appendage/his housekeeper/his nanny. I assume that you have been quite independent in the past and this is what is making your current (dependent) situation so difficult for you. It sounds like he is manipulating you into becoming his "beck & call" girl. So time to do a little soul searching. What is he getting out of this relationship & what are you getting out of it? Time to level the playing field I think! If you have reached the stage where you are thinking about leaving him, then it IS time for action although not necessarily actually to leave. Just an acceptance that he needs you to be dependent can enable you to go forward with the life you would like for your child. BUT & it is a big BUT - if that child is a girl what are you letting her think (when old enough to figure things out) is acceptable from a partner & if a boy - what are you letting him think he can get away with

Plans_all_plans

How old is your child? Maybe it is taking him some time to adjust to parenthood/the responsibility of it all etc. If money is a big deal to him then he could feel like he's not providing enough or whatever (no matter how much you earn, you can always earn more iyswim). Is his business in trouble with the recession?

If you ask him direct questions about things will he answer? I know this is all conjecture and it doesn't help that he wont open up, I just think it would be sad to leave someone you love.

seasalt_2

I have learnt with my OH that if he can't "fix" something then he really doesn't want to know/talk about it because it just makes him feel bad/helpless and therefore he can't see the point of going over it! Whereas sometimes I just want to tell him whatever it is - and it can feel quite lonely that he doesn't want to know that eg the kids have been fighting all day. (I work from home.)

Equally, I know he feels fed up when he comes in the door after a hard day and wants to relax and I start bending his ear. Unlike your OH, he does usually tell me about his day too (and we are very definitely a partnership) but it is more a practical list of jobs done and maybe a degree of fed-upness if he has lost a cow or the tractor has broken down.

Does that ring any bells? I'm not suggesting it's the only thing wrong, but I think it is a common difference between the way men and women generally "work", and counselling, even if it's just for you (Relate will see you by yourself - at least initially) might help you both communicate better with each other and that may make a world of difference to his attitude. Good luck.

What I should have added, of course, is that it will also make a difference to you and help you sort out how you feel and what you want to do - and will give you some support.

Mojisola

sadwife wrote: »

I am a SAHM to one small child. My husband earns quite a lot of money, but I don't have access to it, just a small monthly housekeeping budget. I'm not sure how I would be able to manage if I was to leave him.

This isn't just a problem if you were to leave him. What would happen to you and your son if your OH had a serious car accident or suddenly became very ill? Could you get your hands on enough money to keep paying the bills until he became well to cope again?

Is he a director of a large company or is it his business? If it's his business, what would happen to it while he was in hospital?

He might enjoy having this amount of control over your finances but it could rebound very badly on all of you.