marriage issues/can I afford to leave my husband?

sadwife

I'm married, but not sure I want to be anymore.

I am a SAHM to one small child. My husband earns quite a lot of money, but I don't have access to it, just a small monthly housekeeping budget. I'm not sure how I would be able to manage if I was to leave him.

Can anyone help me understand how to find out what I could be entitled to from him as maintenance for my child and what else (benefits or something) that I might be entitled to until I can find a job to cover childcare costs and rent?

Buttercup2305

If you go onto the CSA page there is a calculator to work out maintenance

sadwife

Thank you. I've managed to get a rough guesstimate on that calculator.

DS4215

CSA rates are 15% of his wages for one child. On top of that would be a percentage of any equity in the house and various benefits. If things are that bad, you could ask him to leave - as the marital home you both have equal rights to it.

sadwife

thank you DS4215. That's the kind of calculation I was looking for.

the situation isn't bad enough for me to demand he leaves. I don't think he would, even if I were to ask him. I am just trying to garner as much information as possible so I can make an informed decision. I don't want to leave him as I love him. But I find myself in a very sad situation and something has to change but I'm not sure what that is yet.

pinkshoes

Have you sat down with him and explained how difficult it is to run a household on such a small budget? Perhaps put together a list of ACTUAL costs, and how much housekeeping you think he ought to be leaving for you.

If you've already done this, then I suggest you change tactics, and serve him cabbage and budget baked beans on cheap toast every evening, and spend the rest of the money wisely (including feeding yourself properly during the day!).

sadwife

that made me smile pinkshoes!

Yes, we have and do discuss money. He likes having an old fashioned wife at home and I enjoy being a SAHM, but he has old fashioned views on money. Don't get me wrong. I don't want for anything, neither does my child (and certainly not my husband). I'm very lucky in that respect. Its one of the things that I need to think seriously about as I would be taking my child out of a very financially secure environment if I were to leave.

Our problems are emotional. I feel completely shut out of his world. He appears indifferent about my life and the life of our child. I believe that marriage is a partnership, but I feel desperately alone, and have done for a longtime now.

I have repeatedly tried to talk to him, trying different tactics but nothing seems to be getting through to him. I get no response, or he nods, says he is listening and acts in the opposite manner to prove he hasn't actually heard me at all. I am not the effective communicator I thought I was. He assures me there is no one else and to be honest I believe him.

Having a child is hard - much harder than I ever realised and I could do with a little support. Our child was very much wanted and I adore my child, but need support and a break now and then and I have to push so hard to get any help from him. Everytime I ask for help I get it thrown in my face that he's out there working hard for us. Its stopped being about houses and cars for me though and I keep telling him that. Life is more important - I just wish he'd let us share in his and want to share in ours. I'm so sad. I don't know my best friend anymore.

Edited to add - I'm sorry I didn't mean to go on so long.

grey_lady

Sorry to be off topic - i know you were really wanting to know the financial aspect but have you thought about Relate, whether its with him or alone, might give him a wake-up call and would help you decide if you have a future together or not.

trufflebuggy

Would he enter into some form of marriage guidance/counselling?

Sounds like you need to get him to realise exactly how you feel, if communication is as big a problem as you say then this should be looked into before making such as decision especially as you say you love him. Shame to throw away a marriage that could be helped to work.

Either way have you thought about counselling for yourself, I'm guessing you worked before marriage and the birth of your child... sometimes this complete change in your own life dynamic can be quite stressful, leave you at a slight loss, even when it's what you wanted.

Counselling can help you find ways of coping and dealing with the situation, if you did decide to stay.

sadwife

grey_lady wrote: »

Sorry to be off topic - i know you were really wanting to know the financial aspect but have you thought about Relate, whether its with him or alone, might give him a wake-up call and would help you decide if you have a future together or not.

trufflebuggy wrote: »

Would he enter into some form of marriage guidance/counselling?

Sounds like you need to get him to realise exactly how you feel, if communication is as big a problem as you say then this should be looked into before making such as decision especially as you say you love him. Shame to throw away a marriage that could be helped to work.

Either way have you thought about counselling for yourself, I'm guessing you worked before marriage and the birth of your child... sometimes this complete change in your own life dynamic can be quite stressful, leave you at a slight loss, even when it's what you wanted.

Counselling can help you find ways of coping and dealing with the situation, if you did decide to stay.

I've asked him to go to relate with me twice before and he's refused, the first time brushing me off not believing there is any need, and the second because he didn't want to. I haven't asked again. I could try asking again.

I didn't realise I could do marriage counselling alone? what about childcare? I think that would be a sensible next avenue for me. Thank you. My initial reservation is will they only help me with my 'options' i.e. staying or going? I don't have any experience of counselling.

AnnaV

Relate are really very good, and quite happy to talk to you on your own, to discuss options and ways you can try to get through to him. Can you get a friend to look after your daughter for an hour or two? I am sure they do telephone appointments too, so you don't even have to travel.