marriage issues/can I afford to leave my husband?

patanne

Perhaps you should look at ways to help you to stay. Does he like a SAHM because you are in his power? Does he pay into a pension for you or does he like you to be totally dependent? Is the Child Benefit in your name or his? If his, you are not even accumulating state pension credits. It is very easy to become dependent on someone (whether you work or not) and it can take the U out of you. Don't wait until he is talking about/to you condescendingly, use the creche at the local council gym or college or whatever you fancy. If you leave it too long you will feel totally incapable of even calling the TV repair man in without permission. Been there done that - don't let it happen to you! and I wasn't a SAHM I worked apart from a few months

trufflebuggy

I'm not sure about Relate on your own, someone else might. But I don't see why not.

Counsellors will help you explore and reflect on your life and relationships and make your own choices, your GP should be able to refer you to one even if you don't go to an actual marriage guidance counsellor.

hth`

sadwife

patanne wrote: »

Perhaps you should look at ways to help you to stay. Does he like a SAHM because you are in his power? Does he pay into a pension for you or does he like you to be totally dependent? Is the Child Benefit in your name or his? If his, you are not even accumulating state pension credits. It is very easy to become dependent on someone (whether you work or not) and it can take the U out of you. Don't wait until he is talking about/to you condescendingly, use the creche at the local council gym or college or whatever you fancy. If you leave it too long you will feel totally incapable of even calling the TV repair man in without permission. Been there done that - don't let it happen to you! and I wasn't a SAHM I worked apart from a few months

Thanks. He likes me being a SAHM as then I can pick up after him, cook, clean, take care of child, do washing, etc etc etc. He treats me more like i'm his mother. I feel there is a real lack of respect and little recognition of what I do or the effort I make. If I were to work, I would still have to shoulder all the household responsibilities. He feels (or at least demonstrates by his actions) that bringing home the bacon is as far as his contribution goes.

My fear of spending and asking for permission comes from me - I feel that I have to justify my expenditure so he can see/I can prove I'm being careful/not being frivolous with the finances. He pays into a pension in his name, but that will be our main pot upon retirement. I have a very small pension that I/we no longer contribute to and CB comes to me so I get NI credits for the moment.

I am not naive enough to think that it is all him, but I do feel that I have been/am being very reasonable in my requests. He's not nasty, but just won't communicate verbally to an acceptable level with me making life very hard, lonely and sad for me. His non-verbal communication suggests he doesn't value me or respect me. This might not be the case, but if he won't communicate in other ways what am I meant to think?

sadwife

trufflebuggy wrote: »

I'm not sure about Relate on your own, someone else might. But I don't see why not.

Counsellors will help you explore and reflect on your life and relationships and make your own choices, your GP should be able to refer you to one even if you don't go to an actual marriage guidance counsellor.

hth`

thanks. that is useful to know. I will follow this up.

ViolaLass

He sounds like my dad, who could never understand why my mother was unhappy "but I never hit her".

Counselling could be helpful as it might help you not only decide whether you want to stay or go and how to, but also how to deal with either choice, how to plan for them, alternative ways of trying to communicate etc.

Would you like to work? Could you earn enough to cover the childcare? Getting out of the house might make you feel better (not an answer for everyone but one to consider)

Mojisola

sadwife wrote: »

My fear of spending and asking for permission comes from me - I feel that I have to justify my expenditure so he can see/I can prove I'm being careful/not being frivolous with the finances. He pays into a pension in his name, but that will be our main pot upon retirement. I have a very small pension that I/we no longer contribute to and CB comes to me so I get NI credits for the moment.

Why not? If he earns a good wage, you should be building up your own pension.

Do look into going to Relate - tell him you need the money for that and for child care.

Plans_all_plans

Can I ask what your husband does for a living? If it is a manual job then I can understand why he doesnt want to do household chores/talk about stuff after a day at work. I have a friend whose husband labours and he does NOTHING round the house/for the kids, but he brings in the money for the family. I dont think yours is an unusual situation. My husband is not a talker but he has other good points. What are your husband's good points?

It would be a shame for you (and your child) to leave him when you still love him.

Have you told him you're thinking of leaving? What does he say? Have you got a circle of friends nearby or are you totally isolated?

sueeve

Is non verbal/lack of communication just in the home or is it a part of his actual make up? What is your situation regarding other relations, your parents and his? Do they realise how unhappy you are?
He is really treating you like a paid employee. Get out there and live a life. SAHM is wonderful if you can afford it and it is right for you, but not if it takes away your identity. Ask him for more money. Do you actually know how much he earns? Do you have a joint account? Is the house in joint names? If not, why not? You are a partner, not a lodger with a child.
Lots of questions. Not really for you to answer to the board, but for you to think about for yourself. You both have a right to have a say in how your marriage works.

brians_daughter

You may be better placed to post the questions re benefits etc in the benefits board as well as here.... from experience it may be in your best interests to find out what help you can get whilst building your new life via the benefits office (or try entitled to - just leave out your hibbys income as you wont be together) plus what csa your child would be entitled to, and go to relate alone to discuss your feelings. Once you are armed with this you will feel in a much more powerful position.

Then if you sit him down, explain the how whys and wheres of the marital issues AND tell him you know what you can get helpwise etc,ie make him aware you are serious and have researched your choices etc he may just be that shocked that he listens and takes on board what you are saying.

If he is shocked (as i imagine he will be, if this is always how you ahve been living he may wonder why its not 'good enough' now iykwim) he may just start to realise what he is about to loose. Then you need to set goals and timescales, no one can change over night and you need to realise this (as i am sure that you do!)

You say you love him, so there is something worth saving if he can adapt to the changes you feel are needed to make the marriage work.

As i say, i did the above and we are still together years later...however, do be prepared for him coming back to you with his version, ie he may have issues with you hence him not communicating etc.

Worst case is he cant see how he is unreasonable and you still have the info you need to move out/on. Once you are working you may be able to get help with nursery fees etc and tax credits and child tax credits, maybe help with rented housing and council tax too... i am no expert but do have friends who have split in a simular situ to you

I wish you well in all this, it must be a horrid time for you x

sadwife

Mojisola wrote: »

Why not? If he earns a good wage, you should be building up your own pension.

Do look into going to Relate - tell him you need the money for that and for child care.

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Can I ask what your husband does for a living? If it is a manual job then I can understand why he doesnt want to do household chores/talk about stuff after a day at work. I have a friend whose husband labours and he does NOTHING round the house/for the kids, but he brings in the money for the family. I dont think yours is an unusual situation. My husband is not a talker but he has other good points. What are your husband's good points?

It would be a shame for you (and your child) to leave him when you still love him.

Have you told him you're thinking of leaving? What does he say? Have you got a circle of friends nearby or are you totally isolated?

sueeve wrote: »

Is non verbal/lack of communication just in the home or is it a part of his actual make up? What is your situation regarding other relations, your parents and his? Do they realise how unhappy you are?
He is really treating you like a paid employee. Get out there and live a life. SAHM is wonderful if you can afford it and it is right for you, but not if it takes away your identity. Ask him for more money. Do you actually know how much he earns? Do you have a joint account? Is the house in joint names? If not, why not? You are a partner, not a lodger with a child.
Lots of questions. Not really for you to answer to the board, but for you to think about for yourself. You both have a right to have a say in how your marriage works.

thanks. He's not a manual worker. He is a company director, and there is a lot of stress that comes with that position, but while I recognise that I feel he uses that as an excuse too often and if he feels that way he could say to me 'having a stressful time at work' and I could act/help appropriately.