Buying christmas presents for relatives

Vaila

i understand how you feel. goodness i dont even bother buying gifts fo my brother (im 18, he is 17 and we both live at home). i hardly see most of my family (only gran, uncle and aunt) and if i were to gift all my immediate members not only would i be skint, i wouldnt have a clue what to get them and i would have to leave presents at a relatives house so they could drop them off etc.

it seems that you have a very level head and in all honestly it seems that you are the most reliable member of your immediate family, saying that lonliness gets the better of us , try giving your mum a calljust to see how things are, if anything

also if you arent actually spending christms day at "home" then i wouldnt be too fussed with presents, send a photo card to your family or something unpersonal like a box of chocs

i think ultimately though that you need to stop stressing and treat yourself to something nice


arran x

Counting_Pennies_2

It seems to me that your family aren't going to be the support group you need for the future.

I'm wondering if you need to broaden your friendship options.

When I was in my early 20s I moved town and didn't have any friends. I signed up for evening classes, took up a qualification to study part time one evening a week while I worked full time and got to know friends through work and the course.

I went to a fitness class and just started speaking to people. I am a dreadfully shy person, hate meeting new people but had to do it. When you get started you will meet other like minded people and hopefully make a friend along the way.

I would suggest when you go home that you all meet up somewhere for a coffee, or drink if the alcohol problem can cope with that, or a meal if money can stretch. That way it is a date and time set in the diary that you can spend a few hours catching up. Personally though since I have moved on from my family half an hour in each others company sends me behaving like a teenager and wanting to scream 'You just don't get me!!'

Now I have children I do it as a necessity for them to get to know their grandparents a few times a year. It is painful, but allows them to know they have two sets of grandparents and I try very hard not to let on we are not close. Although they have their favourite grandparents and needless to say it isn't them!

top_drawer_2

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

It seems to me that your family aren't going to be the support group you need for the future.

I'm wondering if you need to broaden your friendship options.

When I was in my early 20s I moved town and didn't have any friends. I signed up for evening classes, took up a qualification to study part time one evening a week while I worked full time and got to know friends through work and the course.

I went to a fitness class and just started speaking to people. I am a dreadfully shy person, hate meeting new people but had to do it. When you get started you will meet other like minded people and hopefully make a friend along the way.

I would suggest when you go home that you all meet up somewhere for a coffee, or drink if the alcohol problem can cope with that, or a meal if money can stretch. That way it is a date and time set in the diary that you can spend a few hours catching up. Personally though since I have moved on from my family half an hour in each others company sends me behaving like a teenager and wanting to scream 'You just don't get me!!'

Now I have children I do it as a necessity for them to get to know their grandparents a few times a year. It is painful, but allows them to know they have two sets of grandparents and I try very hard not to let on we are not close. Although they have their favourite grandparents and needless to say it isn't them!

Thanks I have joined loads of different groups and interests but I find it so hard. I come over all wrong, either as arrogant or say things which come out just wrong. I have a knack for offending people or just being there, I struggle to maintain a conversation.

Time with the family is dictated by what they want to do,; the pub normally and later maybe a meal when they are suffieciently well-oiled. They dont tend to want to sit and chat with me much and I kind of feel I am just there.

TD

top_drawer_2

arran_m wrote: »

i understand how you feel. goodness i dont even bother buying gifts fo my brother (im 18, he is 17 and we both live at home). i hardly see most of my family (only gran, uncle and aunt) and if i were to gift all my immediate members not only would i be skint, i wouldnt have a clue what to get them and i would have to leave presents at a relatives house so they could drop them off etc.

it seems that you have a very level head and in all honestly it seems that you are the most reliable member of your immediate family, saying that lonliness gets the better of us , try giving your mum a calljust to see how things are, if anything

also if you arent actually spending christms day at "home" then i wouldnt be too fussed with presents, send a photo card to your family or something unpersonal like a box of chocs

i think ultimately though that you need to stop stressing and treat yourself to something nice


arran x

Thanks today I bought the most beautiful pair of ankle boots (which I so cant afford) and had my nails done. I feel kind of better but sad because the boots wont see much fresh air ;(

There doesnt seem to be much I can do to change things so all I can do is stop worrying.

TD

top_drawer_2

KiKi wrote: »

That's the thing, isn't it - when lots of things in your life are a bit crappy, it can really bring you down and make everything feel terrible, when it probably really isn't.

I became self-employed earlier this year, but before that I was in a job I no longer loved with a boss I detested, I hadn't seen my family for a long time, I only have two friends I socialise with, and I felt really awful. Once my job changed I felt so much more positive about everything else and I hadn't realised just how much it was weighing me down.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Have a dodgy hug: :grouphug:





So no-one - including you! - had made a call for 5 weeks? Did you call each other often before you decided to stay there? That can often be just that thing of moving away, growing up and moving on. You still love each other, but just don't feel the need to talk all the time.

Maybe your mum's gutted you decided not to come home and is feeling hurt. Maybe she has no idea you'd like to talk more often. Or maybe she's sitting at home wondering why you haven't called for 5 weeks and thinking you must be so busy with your social life that she doesn't want to bother you!!




Have you told them that you need a bit of support right now? Again, meaning all this kindly, but parents aren't psychic (much as I think they *should* be ). Maybe they think you love your life so much with your new job and uni life that you don't want to come home. It's entirely possible that they have no idea that you're feeling unhappy and lonely and want some company and friendship - esp as you haven't spoken to them to tell them in the last 5 weeks!

My parents wouldn't know unless I wrote on Facebook "KiKi is miserable and throwing herself under a bus this weekend. HELP!" I'm very self-sufficient, and when you don't live with someone it's so much harder to see it or know how they're feeling. And you're not speaking for 5 weeks meant she hadn't picked it up via the phone either (which is tricky anyway!).

If I were your mum, I'd probably be delighted if you called and said you missed me and wanted to spend some time with me! Why don't you suggest a set weekend / day together to spend some time together and feel like you know her again? Have a massage, then lunch, then go to a movie, then have dinner out - something like that. Sometimes the distance needs to be taken away to help you realise that things probably haven't changed at all...!!

I guess what I'm saying is, someone has to take the first step to talking more, and you need to tell them how you're feeling to give them the chance to offer you that support. You might feel loads better for it!

But again, sorry you're feeling unhappy. The horrid dark Winter probably doesn't help, either. Have another dodgy hug: :grouphug:

KiKi

Thanks for the support, I sounded so negative on everything you suggested. I'm just stuck feeling rubbish and I dont know how to make better.

KiKi

top_drawer wrote: »

Thanks for the support, I sounded so negative on everything you suggested. I'm just stuck feeling rubbish and I dont know how to make better.

Sometimes, I think we need time to be sad, to feel rubbish or wallow in being down. I think it's good for us. There are times when I feel really sorry for myself, but I won't beat myself up over it because there's no point. I play Farm Frenzy on my computer instead. I think the thing is at least 'knowing' that you feel that way is good; if you know you're feeling sorry for yourself, at least you can appreciate it for what it is, and you *know* in your heart of hearts that you have to do something about it. The danger is when you can't see it and won't do anything!

Unfortunately we can't change any one else, we can only change ourselves and our own behaviour. I'm so sorry that your family don't give you the support you need; I've had no experience at all of a poor family life or alcoholism etc, so I can't really offer any advice. But if you can't talk to your family and can't rely on them for support or help, then I guess you have to find that support elsewhere.

It's fab that you've tried going to different groups even though you've found it hard. But you never know, people may not see you the way that you do - you sound like you're being pretty hard on yourself (we are supposedly our own biggest critics, aren't we?). So don't give up, keep going, esp if it's doing something you enjoy, as you'll find people you have something in common with. I've been trying to find a book club where I live (to absolutely no avail) but I'm doing an OU course now instead, so that keeps me thinking and chatting with my tutor group online!

And don't be hard on yourself for feeling rubbish and feeling negative about things; just recognise that you need to keep trying and doing different things to change it. It often only needs one thing to really pick you up and make all the difference, but it can take time. I quit my job earlier this year to try and make it as a writer and I was getting absolutely nowhere. Then one day I got a letter from a literary magazine asking to publish one of my stories. It made my year, even though nothing else was successful!! But it took seven months to get there on just that one thing!

More dodgy hugs as they don't seem to have normal ones: :grouphug:

Your purchasing boots made me smile. I had the vets visit me today to give my cats their yearly booster injections, and I knew my cats would hate me for the rest of the day so I bought myself a lovely handbag in advance to make myself feel better.

KiKi

margaretclare

top_drawer wrote: »

I guess I am feeling a little self-pitying at the moment, its only November and I am sick of hearing about festive spirit already. I am currently "between friends" making things evem more difficult and am sick and tired of my sh!tty part-time job which bores me to tears.

Its kind of a feeling that I am interfering/messing/knocking things out of sync their weekend, plus that all the effort seems to be mainly on my side. Until yesterday I hadnt spoke to my Mum for 5 weeks; I've been busy (working, volunteering for experience, attending interviews etc etc) and she never makes an effort to call me, same goes for my sister.

I could do with some emotional support from somewhere but it never seems to be forthcoming.

I also am sick of the 'festive spirit' already. I am sick of the whole Christmas thing, which seems to have got completely out of hand. I went to Argos a couple of weeks ago and I was the only person there not buying Christmas toys, at the same time at 'discount fireworks' were being advertised!!! I don't want to be wished Merry Christmas if I go to a supermarket in November.

As for presents, I don't do any. That's it. None. DH prefers buying a present at any time of year, not being told he has to do it for Christmas, so he doesn't do them either. The people to whom Christmas would have meant something are not here any more. One year I sent flowers by post to all the female relatives and didn't even get a thank you. No more.

I used to like the radio soap 'The Archers' but they are all hung up on Christmas and I just don't want it. As for TV-watching, forget it.

We are going away over Christmas itself and by then we'll be thoroughly sick of it.

top_drawer_2

KiKi wrote: »

Sometimes, I think we need time to be sad, to feel rubbish or wallow in being down. I think it's good for us. There are times when I feel really sorry for myself, but I won't beat myself up over it because there's no point. I play Farm Frenzy on my computer instead. I think the thing is at least 'knowing' that you feel that way is good; if you know you're feeling sorry for yourself, at least you can appreciate it for what it is, and you *know* in your heart of hearts that you have to do something about it. The danger is when you can't see it and won't do anything!

Unfortunately we can't change any one else, we can only change ourselves and our own behaviour. I'm so sorry that your family don't give you the support you need; I've had no experience at all of a poor family life or alcoholism etc, so I can't really offer any advice. But if you can't talk to your family and can't rely on them for support or help, then I guess you have to find that support elsewhere.

It's fab that you've tried going to different groups even though you've found it hard. But you never know, people may not see you the way that you do - you sound like you're being pretty hard on yourself (we are supposedly our own biggest critics, aren't we?). So don't give up, keep going, esp if it's doing something you enjoy, as you'll find people you have something in common with. I've been trying to find a book club where I live (to absolutely no avail) but I'm doing an OU course now instead, so that keeps me thinking and chatting with my tutor group online!

And don't be hard on yourself for feeling rubbish and feeling negative about things; just recognise that you need to keep trying and doing different things to change it. It often only needs one thing to really pick you up and make all the difference, but it can take time. I quit my job earlier this year to try and make it as a writer and I was getting absolutely nowhere. Then one day I got a letter from a literary magazine asking to publish one of my stories. It made my year, even though nothing else was successful!! But it took seven months to get there on just that one thing!

More dodgy hugs as they don't seem to have normal ones: :grouphug:

Your purchasing boots made me smile. I had the vets visit me today to give my cats their yearly booster injections, and I knew my cats would hate me for the rest of the day so I bought myself a lovely handbag in advance to make myself feel better.

KiKi

WOW you got published!! Thats amazing. An author who came to our school once told us that she was told she would be able to paper the wall of a room with rejection letters before she was published. She did the bathroom, being the smallest room in the house.

I love reading too and couldnt find a book club in my area that actually seemed to have a reasonably intelligant focus.

I love those boots. I struggle to find places to wear these things. I buy things which someone mush more outgoing than me would have as a kind of replacement I guess.

I hope it doesnt take 7 months for things to show some improvement. I started counselling on Monday and I have a load of books on social confidence and talking to anyone/communication skills etc which I am working my way through.

top_drawer_2

margaretclare wrote: »

I also am sick of the 'festive spirit' already. I am sick of the whole Christmas thing, which seems to have got completely out of hand. I went to Argos a couple of weeks ago and I was the only person there not buying Christmas toys, at the same time at 'discount fireworks' were being advertised!!! I don't want to be wished Merry Christmas if I go to a supermarket in November.

As for presents, I don't do any. That's it. None. DH prefers buying a present at any time of year, not being told he has to do it for Christmas, so he doesn't do them either. The people to whom Christmas would have meant something are not here any more. One year I sent flowers by post to all the female relatives and didn't even get a thank you. No more.

I used to like the radio soap 'The Archers' but they are all hung up on Christmas and I just don't want it. As for TV-watching, forget it.

We are going away over Christmas itself and by then we'll be thoroughly sick of it.

I agree completely as do a lot of people on here. However, when I mention it to people out and about they look at me like I've turned into scrooge!

KiKi

top_drawer wrote: »

WOW you got published!! Thats amazing. An author who came to our school once told us that she was told she would be able to paper the wall of a room with rejection letters before she was published. She did the bathroom, being the smallest room in the house.

Oh, it's so true. I started off writing two stories a day, sending them off to different magazines. Did all my research on what each magazine's readers like. I had something like 16 rejections, then this one acceptance on an autobiographical piece. Then I had more rejections and then an acceptance from an animal magazine. And then after receiving two more rejections last week I had a letter this morning asking me to do some more work on one particular story for them, so I might finally get a fiction piece in a commercial magazine! I guess it's the nature of the work, plus so many writers are looking for work, there's a lot of competition. I just keep plugging away and crossing my fingers...!

I love reading too and couldnt find a book club in my area that actually seemed to have a reasonably intelligant focus.

It's amazing, isn't it?! The ones I saw seemed to be mainly groups that meet and eat. I want coffee and an intelligent discussion about a book!

I love those boots. I struggle to find places to wear these things. I buy things which someone mush more outgoing than me would have as a kind of replacement I guess.

Oh, I so get it - I have this GORGEOUS dress from Monsoon which I love, but I will never have occasion to wear it. Maybe at a wedding or something. But I won't part with it!

I hope it doesnt take 7 months for things to show some improvement. I started counselling on Monday and I have a load of books on social confidence and talking to anyone/communication skills etc which I am working my way through.

That's great, well done for being proactive, esp on the reading. I hope things get better for you soon.

KiKi