Buying christmas presents for relatives

top_drawer_2

hi,

Not entirely sure why I'm posting this ut here goes ....

I am really struggling for ideas for Christmas presents for my family. I normally buy for my Mum, dad, step-dad, bot of my sisters and the one who is married her husband and my nephew.

However, this year I kind of feel that I have barely seen them and hardly "know" them anymore, I have no ideas as to what to buy them whereas in the past I would have a fair idea of what to get each person which would be useful/something luxurious.

I dont "go home" often; moved here for uni and have stayed working because I dont drive, no longer have "my room" at home and they just dont seem that interested in seeing me, each weekend Im busy doing something other than travelling across Lancashire for the day to feel that I am a bit of a pain and inconvienencing them with in ruining a weekend day. Last time I visited it was a drop-in visit to each of them, then back on the train .....

If they come to me then we go to the City/town shopping for something to eat etc ......

Apart from all that, how does anyone else who is single/childless and struggles for friends cope at this time of year - it seems to come round faster each time.

Jen

Counting_Pennies_2

I'm afraid that does sound a lot like growing up and moving on.....

Lots of people do stay very close to their families physically and emotionally, but others move on.

I have always looked on it that children are borrowed for the first 18 years of childhood and then set free, and it is up to the families and the individual child if they choose to stay close.

It sounds to me as if you are moving on, and going back home might feel a little strange, as you are making a new life for yourself. It might be that they also quite like coming to visit you and enjoy meeting up that way instead.

I wonder if instead of meaningless gifts you put in an IOU for a weekend stay at yours wrapped with a box of chocs, or a theatre or cinema ticket for when they next come to visit, or beauty treatment at your local spa. Or if that is a bit too way out, perhaps think of the good old scarf, gloves, fake pashmina kind of thing, they always get used.

hth

Sambucus_Nigra

Stop doing it - you are a struggling student now!!!

Have a couple of presents at home, and if they drop in to see you, then give them one of those - otherwise just give cards. Mum and dad - slightly different - but you could only carry 2 presents this year on the train anyway - couldn't you?

KiKi

Hi Jen

I did the same as you - left for uni and never went home! I live about an hour's drive from my family (parents, 2 sisters and OHs and nieces and nephews), who all live very close together. I don't have a car, so it's actually a 2.5 hour round trip to my family, after I've gone all the way in and out of London again!

I see my parents maybe every 3 months, and my sisters usually only sometime between Christmas and New Year.

I'm not 'close' to my family (like some people I see who are, who spend so much time together), but we get on just fine. I don't really know much about their lives other than key things, like a change of jobs etc. I think living away from family does mean you don't get as involved, and that you 'know' them less, unless you make a monumental effort to speak regularly. But you do have to make the effort, and someone has to make the first step. But the truth is, they're still there, still the same people, and they probably feel they don't know what you want for Christmas, as well!!

Why don't you drop them an email and ask them for some Christmas ideas? I'm sure they probably want an idea of what to get you, too. That's what I do every year. I get them something from the list, and then I get them something I just think is 'nice' like a Body Shop bubble bath or a really nice packet of chocolate, or a good book.

I'm also single and live alone, so I know how it feels at Christmas. I hope you don't mind me saying (and I promise I mean this really, really kindly because I know what it's like!) but you sound a little bit self-pitying about them not wanting you around! And a warning (because I've been there) - it's a very bad spiral to get into!! It's always hard when your family all live close and you're the one person who lives away. But as you said, you're busy most weekends. They DO come and see you - and you go out together for meals or shopping (exactly what I do with my parents when they visit). I don't have a 'room' anymore either - because I've moved out! That's what happens, because it's not your home anymore, although it is your family home.

From their perspective, they might feel like you've moved away, and are busy most weekends. So maybe when you visit they feel like you don't really want to be there, and you're feeling that they don't want you there. It's probably mis-perceived feelings on both sides, which are exacerbated by living away, being along and facing Christmas.

At the end of the day, you sound like your family were certainly close at one point, and the reality is, you probably still are. But not speaking all the time can make that distance feel much bigger than it is.

Call your mum tomorrow and say hi.

KiKi

KiKi

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Stop doing it - you are a struggling student now!!!

Oh, I took it that they had gone to uni and then stayed in that town to work, and that they were struggling for ideas rather than for money...!

KiKi

top_drawer_2

I finished Uni at September, I had a part-time job and have kept that up while job searching ..... Not a great deal of luck on that front but definitely more than if I returned home.

KiKi

top_drawer wrote: »

I finished Uni at September, I had a part-time job and have kept that up while job searching ..... Not a great deal of luck on that front but definitely more than if I returned home.

That's what I thought, and so my long post above stands!

KiKi

top_drawer_2

KiKi wrote: »

Hi Jen

I did the same as you - left for uni and never went home! I live about an hour's drive from my family (parents, 2 sisters and OHs and nieces and nephews), who all live very close together. I don't have a car, so it's actually a 2.5 hour round trip to my family, after I've gone all the way in and out of London again!

I see my parents maybe every 3 months, and my sisters usually only sometime between Christmas and New Year.

I'm not 'close' to my family (like some people I see who are, who spend so much time together), but we get on just fine. I don't really know much about their lives other than key things, like a change of jobs etc. I think living away from family does mean you don't get as involved, and that you 'know' them less, unless you make a monumental effort to speak regularly. But you do have to make the effort, and someone has to make the first step. But the truth is, they're still there, still the same people, and they probably feel they don't know what you want for Christmas, as well!!

Why don't you drop them an email and ask them for some Christmas ideas? I'm sure they probably want an idea of what to get you, too. That's what I do every year. I get them something from the list, and then I get them something I just think is 'nice' like a Body Shop bubble bath or a really nice packet of chocolate, or a good book.

I'm also single and live alone, so I know how it feels at Christmas. I hope you don't mind me saying (and I promise I mean this really, really kindly because I know what it's like!) but you sound a little bit self-pitying about them not wanting you around! And a warning (because I've been there) - it's a very bad spiral to get into!! It's always hard when your family all live close and you're the one person who lives away. But as you said, you're busy most weekends. They DO come and see you - and you go out together for meals or shopping (exactly what I do with my parents when they visit). I don't have a 'room' anymore either - because I've moved out! That's what happens, because it's not your home anymore, although it is your family home.

From their perspective, they might feel like you've moved away, and are busy most weekends. So maybe when you visit they feel like you don't really want to be there, and you're feeling that they don't want you there. It's probably mis-perceived feelings on both sides, which are exacerbated by living away, being along and facing Christmas.

At the end of the day, you sound like your family were certainly close at one point, and the reality is, you probably still are. But not speaking all the time can make that distance feel much bigger than it is.

Call your mum tomorrow and say hi.

KiKi

I guess I am feeling a little self-pitying at the moment, its only November and I am sick of hearing about festive spirit already. I am currently "between friends" making things evem more difficult and am sick and tired of my sh!tty part-time job which bores me to tears.

Its kind of a feeling that I am interfering/messing/knocking things out of sync their weekend, plus that all the effort seems to be mainly on my side. Until yesterday I hadnt spioke to my Mum for 5 weeks; I've been busy (working, volunteering for experience, attending interviews etc etc) and she never makes an effort to call me, same goes for my sister.

I could do with some emotional support from somewhere but it never seems to be forthcoming.

KiKi

top_drawer wrote: »

I guess I am feeling a little self-pitying at the moment, its only November and I am sick of hearing about festive spirit already. I am currently "between friends" making things evem more difficult and am sick and tired of my sh!tty part-time job which bores me to tears.

That's the thing, isn't it - when lots of things in your life are a bit crappy, it can really bring you down and make everything feel terrible, when it probably really isn't.

I became self-employed earlier this year, but before that I was in a job I no longer loved with a boss I detested, I hadn't seen my family for a long time, I only have two friends I socialise with, and I felt really awful. Once my job changed I felt so much more positive about everything else and I hadn't realised just how much it was weighing me down.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. Have a dodgy hug: :grouphug:

Its kind of a feeling that I am interfering/messing/knocking things out of sync their weekend, plus that all the effort seems to be mainly on my side. Until yesterday I hadnt spioke to my Mum for 5 weeks; I've been busy (working, volunteering for experience, attending interviews etc etc) and she never makes an effort to call me, same goes for my sister.

So no-one - including you! - had made a call for 5 weeks? Did you call each other often before you decided to stay there? That can often be just that thing of moving away, growing up and moving on. You still love each other, but just don't feel the need to talk all the time.

Maybe your mum's gutted you decided not to come home and is feeling hurt. Maybe she has no idea you'd like to talk more often. Or maybe she's sitting at home wondering why you haven't called for 5 weeks and thinking you must be so busy with your social life that she doesn't want to bother you!!

I could do with some emotional support from somewhere but it never seems to be forthcoming.

Have you told them that you need a bit of support right now? Again, meaning all this kindly, but parents aren't psychic (much as I think they *should* be ). Maybe they think you love your life so much with your new job and uni life that you don't want to come home. It's entirely possible that they have no idea that you're feeling unhappy and lonely and want some company and friendship - esp as you haven't spoken to them to tell them in the last 5 weeks!

My parents wouldn't know unless I wrote on Facebook "KiKi is miserable and throwing herself under a bus this weekend. HELP!" I'm very self-sufficient, and when you don't live with someone it's so much harder to see it or know how they're feeling. And you're not speaking for 5 weeks meant she hadn't picked it up via the phone either (which is tricky anyway!).

If I were your mum, I'd probably be delighted if you called and said you missed me and wanted to spend some time with me! Why don't you suggest a set weekend / day together to spend some time together and feel like you know her again? Have a massage, then lunch, then go to a movie, then have dinner out - something like that. Sometimes the distance needs to be taken away to help you realise that things probably haven't changed at all...!!

I guess what I'm saying is, someone has to take the first step to talking more, and you need to tell them how you're feeling to give them the chance to offer you that support. You might feel loads better for it!

But again, sorry you're feeling unhappy. The horrid dark Winter probably doesn't help, either. Have another dodgy hug: :grouphug:

KiKi

top_drawer_2

Thanks for the hug - it does help. I always ring her! I'm sick of her saying Oh I'm just going out ..... just going to sit down..... just doing x,y and z..... and when I ask for a better time to chat, when I ring then still she says Oh I'm in the middle of A.... She rarely has anything to say re any other members of the family; yes everyone''s fine, no nothing new.... my sister is more expansive....

Due to all the past history I'm kind of hesitant with my Mum and sister. There are "issues" around alcohol too, more with my Mum, she tends to have things the way she wants them. When she visits, she turns up up at her own pace ..... does what she wants, I sometimes felt like a tour guide then she is gone mid-afternoon. She's not easy. My sister is kind of similar; things tend to be her way, we dont really have much in common in terms of hobbies. We have both taken completely different routes and come over completely differently, I dont think she would have much to do with me if we werent related, nor me her.

I might mention needing support and see how things go. I do tend to *see* things more negatively when Im feeling a bit blue. Some reality TV programme set me thinking last night; the girl went home from her third year at uni to talk to her Mum about something sensitive and she was soooo supportive and lovely!! They had a lovely house and her student digs even looked luxerious!

Sambucus_Nigra

KiKi wrote: »

Oh, I took it that they had gone to uni and then stayed in that town to work, and that they were struggling for ideas rather than for money...!

KiKi

top_drawer wrote: »

I finished Uni at September, I had a part-time job and have kept that up while job searching ..... Not a great deal of luck on that front but definitely more than if I returned home.

Struggling graduate then! The point is that if you are struggling for ideas then use that as an excuse and just stop.