Hard to sum up - please read

There_Goes_Trouble

I've not used this site myself so I can't recommend it, but it looks good, you can make a dog-tag style necklace and put your own pictures on. This little lad might like to have his mum's picture close to his heart like this. It's not girly at all so he might like it. Again, it's something they could do together on the computer.

http://fatstatement.com/

RoxieW

Thank you all for your good ideas. I spoke to my friend today and brought up some of the suggestions. I'm going to put the photos on iPhoto and back them up on en external hard drive for her. She is going to leave it a little while before bringing it up with him though. She offered to take him to the cinema today which went down very badly and he has been in his room very upset, just shouting go away, I want mum etc. In hindsight she is cross at herself for dropping such a clanger but she just wants to make happy and try to connect with the lad.
His dad went out to the pub which she is furious about and will be having words later. She broke down with me on the phone saying she could hear the lad sobbing through the ceiling when she was making dinner. She is absolutely dreading Xmas and has no idea how to approach it after today. Even simple things shuch as buying him an advent calendar, she is now unsure about. She obviously wants him to have a good Xmas but he doesn't seem ready to 'enjoy' life. He hasn't spent a xmas with his dad since he was small and my friend and him usually have a grown up Xmas so she doesn't even know where to start. My 8 year old still likes to do the whole carrot for Rudolph thing so all I could tell her is what we normally do.

sarymclary

Roxie, it's lovely that your friend is trying to think of something to do for her step-son. You don't say how recently he was bereaved, but you do say it was recently, so I'll assume it's been a few months.

I have experience of this, because my 4 sons' father died a few months after we separated, they were aged 3, 6, 9 and 12.

From the boys father's point of view, he will be struggling to come to terms with feelings of grief for his ex partner, and worrying about showing this grief in front of his new partner. He'll feel like he's betraying her, by having such strong feelings for his ex. I had recently begun a new relationship when my ex died, and my new partner found it really hard to comprehend the depth of my grief, so I tried to keep it hidden from him, and deal with it on my own. I suppose that was easier to do because we weren't living together back then. It might be as well for your friend to acknowledge to her partner that she knows he must be finding it really difficult to deal with his ex's death, and that she understands if he needs to talk about her (if she can cope with it, of course) it's OK.

The little boy will fear forgetting the memories of his mum, so he will benefit from having contact with those who have memories of her, and who can give him stories about her, to keep in his head. My youngest doesn't really remember his dad, but he thinks he has lots of memories of him, that are actually stories I told him in the years since his death. Whenever a song comes on the radio that their dad used to love, they now relate to them as his songs, because I've told them. I kept my ex's clothes, for them to have when they're older as memories, not particularly to wear.

I do not know what the situation was with the boys mother and his step-mother, if there had been any animosity before her illness, if the father left the mother for her, or if the boy was aware of any kind of issues beforehand? This may have a bearing on how open he will feel inclined towards her now, but that doesn't mean to say that he won't open up to her in the future. Does he have grandparents, particularly maternal ones, or maternal relatives he can have contact with? Maybe when he finds out a new memory about his mum, get it written down, and put it into a special Memories of Mum box, where he can read them to himself as and when he wants. Let him have a bottle of the perfume she used to wear, so he can have her smell with him still.

My best advice would be to keep the memory of his mother alive for him with talk about her, and encourage him to talk about her whenever he wants. His poor mother has died, so she cannot be of any threat to your friend's relationship with his father, but he will need the grown ups around him to help him to keep her memory alive, and his father needs to be encouraged to do so too. If he picks up on the fact that his father isn't talking about his mum, it may make him think that it's not good for him to talk about her either. Kids are pretty sensitive to picking up on subtle things like that.

If you think he's struggling to deal with his grief, then I'd suggest talking to the health visitor from your local GP's practice, and see if she can find a local group for him to become involved with, or have some grief counselling. From my experience no support is offered as a matter of course. None of my children received any support, and my 9 y/o at the time seemed to struggle the most, but the most he got was some 1 to 1 time with a class TA at school.

I would have your friend back up the images from the DS for now, but to not do anything with them yet. They are his private images, and if there can be a suggestion made to him about making hard copies if he wants, then deal with them further. For now, there must be some photographs that already exist of his mum, so get a few framed for him to keep in his room, and even have a couple around the house if you are happy to do so. I gave each of my sons a couple of framed photographs for their rooms, and in subsequent years they have gone through the photo albums and requested others too.

The very best thing I suggest your friend does is to encourage him to communicate openly, without fear of upsetting anyone with what he says. If he's having a tough day of missing his mum, then he should feel it's OK to say so, or just check in with him regularly about what he's missing most about her, what was she good at, positive memories of happy times shared with her. He just needs to know that people around him understand he's struggling, and want to help when they can, and if they can. Grief has many different levels of feelings, anger, sadness, frustration, jealousy, despair, etc., you don't always have a way of controlling which ones come to the surface on any particular day.

I hope that wasn't too garbled!

RoxieW

Thank you so much for that sary.
It was only 4 weeks ago that he lost his mum. He did go to her funeral.
There didn't seem to be animosity between his dad and mum. They split up before my friend was on the scene but I know that there was another woman involved. That was years ago though now and they seemed to get on reasonably well. Our paths had crossed on occasion and they seemed able to have a laugh and a joke together at times. He saw his son twice a week as they stilled lived local. Actually with her illness he (and my friend ) have been a help to her. Getting shopping, running errands, having the boy a lot more. There was never any bad feeling between her and suzanne as Suzanne had nothing to do with the marriage break up and in fact they got on reasonable well apart from initial reservations about my friends age (she was only 24 when they got together and she took on the role of step mum.) it is only now that she has gone that the dad is next to useless! It must have been very difficult to watch her fade away like she did.
Thank you for your personal experiences. Do you have any suggestion of how she should approach Xmas? It is very difficult with it being just around the corner.

RoxieW

He has grandparents on his mums side who he sees regularly. Unfortunately they don't get on too well with his dad - not sure why but I imagine still holding a grudge from the break up whereas she had moved on. Things are civil with them though. I'm sure they will have a wealth of stories and memories about their daughter to share when things aren't quite so raw all around.

Nixer

It's hard supporting anyone through death of a relative from cancer, and probably doubly so when that person is 8. Your friend sounds as if she's doing a sterling job but she should not be afraid to seek help for herself in dealing with it all, if she needs to. I think you can get counselling from Macmillan and probably most cancer charities. If the boy's mother died in a hospice they might be able to provide some counselling for him too. There will be setbacks, and bad days but it's important to support him and help him and let him talk about his mum and it sounds as if she's doing that. There will also be good days, happy memories, and he needs to know that it is ok to feel happy sometimes as well as sad. Although it's probably a bit early yet to tell him that.

It's a shame that it all seems to be falling to her at the moment but the dad has got his grief to deal with as well as getting used to having his son around all the time and she is perhaps a bit more removed from it, hopefully the dad will sort himself out a bit.

For Christmas, when he's a bit calmer, maybe ask him what he and his mum used to do at christmas and ask him what he would like to do e.g. what food he likes to have. If he's got a say in what happens he might feel more at home in his new home. But don't expect too much, or push him, he's probably going to be feeling pretty dreadful for quite a long time and if he refuses to even talk about christmas or says he doesn't want to have it without his mum then it might have to be rather low key this year.

borokat

My OH lost his mum at the age of 10. It sounds like your friend is doing everything right, it is a very difficult time and a hard position for her to be in. The father really needs to pull himself together and put his son first.
For Christmas I think he should contact the maternal grandparents and suggest spending at least part of the day together. This will give the boy that connection to his mum, and will help him to have familiar people around. I'm sure the grandparents, even if they do not get in with their ex son in law, would be able to see past that for their grandson's sake.
Over time, your friend should encourage the boy to keep talking about his mum and to remember her. Keeping her name part of normal conversation so it doesn't become a taboo subject.
It's not something the boy will ever 'get over' but he will get used to it, and eventually he will be ok with it. It has made my OH a very strong person and it takes a lot to upset him now, because the worst has already happened.
Sadly it sounds like your friend might have to bear the brunt of his anger for a little while, it's a totally normal way to react because he is old enough to understand his mum isn't coming back but too young to really make sense of that.
When my cousin lost his mum at 17 he got a punchbag and spent hours using it to get his anger out. Maybe a physical outlet for his anger could be a good idea, if he isn't ready to talk.

Caroline73_2

My dad died when I was 7, I knew for about a month he was dying. Helpful people put a family photo up in my room. I know it was with the best of intentions but I didn't want to see a photo of my dad all the time. I wanted to look at it sometimes but not all the time. So a surprise present when he might feel obliged to display the photo might not work. A photo album might upset him when you give it but in the long term he would probably treasure it.

having worked with bereaved children too, I would say that on the whole they are much better at dealing with things than adults think. Talking, or at least listening when children want to talk is the most important thing. You sound like a great stepmum by the way.

charlearose

why not put them on a mini digital key ring they its practical and a nice present works like a digital camera frame except it a key ring

if you take it to somewhere like tescos they are really good at doing stuff like that they have lots of things from photo cusions to digital keyrings and calenders

one thing that my friend bought for her nephew whos dad died was a star in heaven where you can name a star ect with a persons name you get a certificate ect with the persons name on it

or maybe a tree something that he can watch grow im just thinking outloud here at the moment