Immoral_angel's Debt Diary

Snaggles

ZTD wrote: »

Well no - to be fair to Snaggles's bloke - he doesn't know what is available. So to find out he asks the person who does. I would also guess that to him it's just a question, and he has no idea that Snaggles then feels guilty about it.

True - he genuinely doesn't know because I've controlled the finances for so long. And also true that he doesn't know I then feel guilty.

It has made me think about our finances though, and wonder whether or not I should control things so tightly, as I've never thought of it as treating him like a child before. It was just that the money was 'my job', and, for example, the ironing is 'his job'. (I really don't want him to start sharing the ironing with me though :rotfl:)

barnaby-bear

Snaggles wrote: »

It's not about treating him like a child or a vegetable - we just naturally take responsibility for different areas of our lives/relationship. If I bought a new gadget, I'd ask him how to set it up/where to plug it in etc - and I wouldn't expect him to say 'go away and work it out'. He'd be happy to do it because it would come naturally to him (because it's his area of expertise), and yes, I probably could do it if I tried, but it would take me 4 times as long to work it out, by which time I'd be stressed out and annoyed.

I'm probably not explaining it very well.....:(

Yep but he can't avoid using money or, buying stuff or it impacting on budget... (unless aged 10 or under, locked up in prison or some kind of institution - using money is essential for interacting in society)... if you can't set the video well it'll wait.... if I thought you'd *need* to know how to set up the gadget in the future (say the iron or the washing machine but seriously something like changing spare tyre) then yep I'd *make* you learn...

tigzem

Hope your MIL's BF recovers quickly xx

daphne_descends

Hi, I've been reading your diary on and off for a bit I_A, and wanted to add another well done to you, you're VERY inspiring.

Regarding OH's and money, I pretty much control the finances and sort out paying all the bills - I wouldn't want it any other way, I'd hate not knowing who was being paid when etc but I do tell my OH regularly, what the bank balance is, how much the bills are, what's coming out this week etc. If he then says 'shall we buy..' instead of saying no, or we can't afford it I ask him, 'what do you think, can we afford it?' and try to get him to decide for himself if we can.

So far so good... touch wood. Sometimes I worry this comes over as patronising but the reality is that both of us are capable of deciding whether there is enough money for something so I'm not having the 'burden' on me all the time, he's an adult and can make decisions like one.

Ok, that does sound patronising :rolleyes: but maybe you see my point!




also wanted to add I hope your mother in law's partner makes a good recovery, you can never be prepared for bad news like that

Snaggles

barnaby-bear wrote: »

Yep but he can't avoid using money or, buying stuff or it impacting on budget... (unless aged 10 or under, locked up in prison or some kind of institution - using money is essential for interacting in society)... if you can't set the video well it'll wait.... if I thought you'd *need* to know how to set up the gadget in the future (say the iron or the washing machine but seriously something like changing spare tyre) then yep I'd *make* you learn...

He has his sole account that has 'his' spending money for the month (and I also have my sole account with 'my' spending money in it), so he doesn't avoid using money - but he knows that the money in his own account doesn't impact on the budget, as it's already accounted for.

So I suppose he does have a limited amount of responsibility, but the only damage he could do (if he did lose track of how much he had left) is to run up a small overdraft, which we could cope with. I honestly think he likes it this way, but I will ask him when he gets home.

PS I know how to change a tyre , but I'm physically not strong enough to do it because they tighten them up with a machine at Kwik Fit, and I can't get the...um....nuts (?) undone. :rolleyes:

Spendless

ZTD wrote: »

Well no - to be fair to Snaggles's bloke - he doesn't know what is available. So to find out he asks the person who does. I would also guess that to him it's just a question, and he has no idea that Snaggles then feels guilty about it.

But what he should be asking is "how are the finances looking at the moment cos I was wondering if we could afford X" Or ideally know enough about the finances before the question is posed. ie work out the answer yourself before posing the question. Not can we have an X? What would be even better is if an 'active role' was played in the finances, which doesn't have to be sorting anything out if the other party is better at it, but at least knowing what the current bank balance is and how much is outgoing/incoming.

I agree Snaggles needs to tell her husband how his asking for things is making her feel.
My husband also leaves all sorting out to me. He has used money from our joint account that should have come out of an account for household goods and it needs transferring. He told me he was doing this, I KNOW for a fact he will have no idea what our current account is like, so in a minute I'll ring him talk him thru each item he purchased, swap the money over, and then tell him how much money is left and how many bills are still due to go out. This is keeping him informed, whilst I remain 'in control' purely because I am better.:p He doesn't need to ask Can we have a X cos he is informed by me where we are with finances.

Snaggles

Oh well, I'm not saying how we do things is the right way - different thing work for different people I suppose. We've been together happily for 10 years in May with no arguments about money, so it's working for us. I think I will discuss it with him though to make sure he's still happy with how our finances work.

BUT WOE BETIDE YOU ALL IF HE MAKES ME SHARE THE IRONING IN RETURN!!!!!
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

ZTD

Snaggles wrote: »

PS I know how to change a tyre , but I'm physically not strong enough to do it because they tighten them up with a machine at Kwik Fit, and I can't get the...um....nuts (?) undone. :rolleyes:

Get yourself one of these.

You put it on the nut and step on the other end - will undo just about anything. Those "crank type" ones are neither use nor ornament...

Snaggles

Lol, I'll look out for one of those, thanks ZTD. I'm not a pathetic girlie really, honest!

ZTD

Spendless wrote: »

But what he should be asking is "how are the finances looking at the moment cos I was wondering if we could afford X"

You mean ask the same question but dress it up in more words/flowery language? Seems a bit like the Victorians trying to talk about toilets without using the word "toilet".

Spendless wrote: »

Or ideally know enough about the finances before the question is posed. ie work out the answer yourself before posing the question.

Ideally - except it isn't his department, so he's asking the person whose department it is. Just like if Snaggles wanted (for some reason) to know how much ironing there was to, she'd go to the head of the ironing department and ask...

Spendless wrote: »

Not can we have an X? What would be even better is if an 'active role' was played in the finances, which doesn't have to be sorting anything out if the other party is better at it, but at least knowing what the current bank balance is and how much is outgoing/incoming.

Would it be ideal if a more active role was played in the ironing department too?

Spendless wrote: »

This is keeping him informed, whilst I remain 'in control' purely because I am better.:p He doesn't need to ask Can we have a X cos he is informed by me where we are with finances.

This is horses for courses. People do things differently. It seems to work apart from Snaggles feels guilty when she gets asked.