Struggling as a single mum

January20

SingleMumOf2 wrote: »

January I did my own letter so he could get his JSA and get back paid. I stated in the letter than he currently has my eldest 3 days and 3 nights.. and my youngest 4 hours a week. I did not put he has 50/50 custody.. instead I stated days and times that he takes them, and days and times that they are brought back. It was my family solicitor who signed it and went through it with me. He said the only problem I may incur is if I decide to decrease the contact in the future.. and I can only see this being a problem once they start school.

I know I need to grow some.. I am a strange person that just cannot grow a back bone.. hopefully one day this will change.
And I do take advice on here, I just dont always show it. Or sometimes it seems impossible to carry out certain advice because I end up being influenced by silly people. I am sorry.

There is absolutely no need to apologise. It's very easy for someone like me who hears a snapshot of your life and reads some of your posts to sit here and give you advice. It's however so much more difficult in real life for you. Shame we can't all be by your side when you need to deal with ex

I think the fact you wrote your own letter and weren't bullied into doing what the ex wanted is a very good sign that you are getting stronger.

I said to go to a solicitor because then you will have the correct advice and not have to wonder whether advise given by person A was better than advise given by person B, etc.

Perhaps you should print out the replies to your posts and underline or highlight the points that give you strength and good advise so you can have them at hand for when you are feeling low and lacking in confidence.
Good luck in any case!

gratefulforhelp_2

Hugs, OP. Just wanted to drop in and say, yes. It does get easier and better. lots.

joeblack066

Yes, it does get easier. I am a single mum of 4 ( 3 now grown up) and had 2 ex husbands who were demanding and controlling, but I gradually got stronger with everything. I have been extremely broke and in debt in the past, but now am self employed and earning a livable wage, 3 of the 4 are successful working adults, and my DD is getting there, tho she does struggle as her Dad died and she hasn't come to terms with it yet. You sound like you are being too hard on yourself, and you need to ease up a little! You're doing a great job :-)

julie2710

It does get easier, although it will take time and the hardest thing to learn is that first you need to look after yourself, because only then will you be able to look after your children properly.

I was in what sounds like a similar situation to you. I have two boys aged 5 and 2 now. When my husband left my eldest was just coming up to 3 and I was 3 weeks away from the planned c-section I was having with my second! I really don't know how I got through those first weeks/months. It was tough.

I think you need to get the colic sorted. I'm sure you've tried drops etc etc Have you tried gripe water? Was the only thing that worked with mine. If not speak to your gp/Health Visitor. I know it's hard to leave a baby crying but a baby never died from crying. Put him in another room put the radio on and make yourself busy for 10 minutes then check him! Then another 10. I know how hard it is but if he learns to settle himself it will make life easier! If you are struggling to feed your youngest then switch to bottle feeding, even for just some of the feeds.

Try and get the eldest involved as much as possible. Kids love to help it makes them feel really grown up. I used to get my eldest to help me sort the washing into darks and lights and load the machine. He must have been the only 3 year old boy who could put washing on himself! lol

Your ex is actually being really helpful. My ex had the eldest for 5 hours a week to start with, never took the youngest, aparently he was too little! Then he stopped all contact for a while and now has them one night every 2 weeks! I work full-time and have done since the youngest was 18 weeks.

It is easier now but I still have bad days/weeks. My mood impacts massively though on the kind of time I have and now I have realised that I can manage it better. If I'm feeling rough then behaviours are magnified as are my reactions to them.

Good luck and be proud of what you achieve.

SingleMumOf2_3

Thank you for your replies. My baby is having much more good days lately. He was referred to the community nurses and has been put on lactulose. So now he only crys and screams before he has a poo. But one he has it he can be a perfect baby for a whole day, which is ace.

My eldest does help, but also gets quite jelous and acts up. We are working on this with a reward chart though.

Silly me is still applying to university next year. Part to see if I get offered an interview and part to push myself to do something I would love to do. Though the kids would be 1 and 3.

poppyscorner

Hi singlemumof2,

Just wanted to send some hugs and say hi really. I know exactly how it feels to have 2 LO's and study at the same time. In 2008 I started my nurse training as a married mummy of a 5yr old and a (just turned) 1 yr old a couple of months down the line exOH announced he didn't love me and left us.

The truth of it was that he had been having an affair with someone from facebook and that was it. I didn't know what to do initially almost gave up the studies couldnt sleep stressed all of the time.

I took some time out of my studies to get myself together (about a month i think) I saw the GP I wasn't depressed just fuming that he could cheat on me for a second time and that he wasn't taking any responsibility for anything including the kids. My G.P was fab and got me through the first days she gave me meds to help me sleep which allowed me to focus my thoughts through the day clearly and not overly emotional due to tiredness.

It's a slow process but you do get there you get your routine and you learn that the only person you need is you, that sounds incredibly tough but it took a lot of let downs for me to realise that.

My relationship with the kids improved 10fold after he went and he effectively destroyed his own because of constant game playing and attempts to use them as tools in a game.

Fast forward to now DS1 is still doing brilliantly in school very intelligent little boy and DS2 now 3 and a half started nursery in sept and is also a very happy and clever child both of them adore me and I them. My divorce got sorted out and finalised back end of last year exOH still lives with his parents whining about money he does attempt to talk to me about it I tell him straight I'm not interested it's his problem he made his bed he has to lie in it he has flitted from relationship to relationship got someone pregnant etc etc eldest DS now at the point where he complains about going to see him and exOH only wants to see them once a fortnight which is his loss IMO.

My boys are a credit to me and I am far from perfect I don't take them out everyday and I sometimes tell them off. I'm not always here when they finish school and they have to go to my mum's or sisters house they sometimes eat junk food and watch tv but I love them and they know it. I am safe and secure to them and no matter what else is going on they can rely on mum to be there for them.

You need to stop listening to your ex if he starts to talk about anything other than the kids tell him it's none of your business if he asks about your life/finances tell him it's none of his he will soon get sick of asking. He spends lots of time with the eldest that's a good thing (I hope) and he also see's the baby try to find the positives in your situation and work with those smile lots even if its faked to begin with it will eventually lift your mood make sure you get plenty of rest and eat well you can't run on empty even if you can't stomach full meals try eating little and often and build from there. Have you tried any kind of colic solutions for the baby DS1 suffered terribly with it and got prescribed colief to help (you can buy this too) he was a different child when he had this in his bottle DS2 wasn't a sufferer of it thank goodness.

It sounds like you have lots of support and advice from here please listen to it and act on it I know how useful it is this was one of the first places I posted about my marriage breakdown and they were all fabulous keeping me going when I was so devastated I couldn't sleep or eat and for that I am eternally grateful and my life now is really positive I qualify as a nurse in March coming up and I met a new partner who treats me like a princess and were getting married next year the kids are happy and so is mum. ( Dad on the other hand is still doing the same as when he left still got no money still making excuses still cheating and lying his way through life) I promise you you will look back and smile to yourself about all you have achieved everynow and again I do just that and it restores my pride in myself

Wow that turned out to be long lol seriosly though good luck with it take it day by day you'll get there

xx

Loopy_Girl

SingleMumOf2 wrote: »

Silly me is still applying to university next year. Part to see if I get offered an interview and part to push myself to do something I would love to do. Though the kids would be 1 and 3.

I remember that you have said about this before.

Remember your ex will NOT be able to take the children 5 days a week whilst you are at Uni. He has to be available for work in order to get JSA. He couldn't get IS as he isn't a lone parent.

If you are being serious then make sure you get childcare sorted well in advance.

CRANKY40

No, no, no! You're not supposed to give him money when he has your eldest. He is supposed to pay you maintenance and this would be reduced for the number of days that the child stays with him. Tell him to sling his hook. Alright he can't pay maintenace as he's on JSA, but he's not entitled to any of your money.

Stop driving yourself mad trying to go out and about all the time. Children do actually like to sit down next to their mums and snuggle up on the sofa sometimes. My aunty used to pour herself a glass of milk every time she sat down to breast feed. One out, one in, lol. Add a drink for your other child, and a biscuit each too.

Do you go to any playgroups? It's good fun watching your monster race round with all the other little monsters....and if it's a good playgroup you'll get a cuppa and a biscuit there too....

Give yourself a break.

SingleMumOf2_3

Loopy I plan to put them both into full time childcare. Though this will mean tons more stress from the ex and no doubt he will take me to court over it. but theres no way I will let him take my kids full time.. that would give him a perfect excuse never to work again!

ticklepenny_2

Just a quick note to say that a screaming child puts a lot of pressure on anyone. If you are having a bad day and LO is screaming and 3yo is playing up it is very difficult, and at the end of the day you are only human. I only have 1 (at the moment) and an OH who work but still when DD used to scream the house down if I couldnt calm her I would occcasionally pop her in her moses basket and step outside and take some deep breaths before I went back in. You are doing incredibly well and should be proud of yourself