husband left

clearingout

I have read through this thread - big hugs to you. I am just coming up to the second annivesary of my now ex-husband walking out on me for another woman so I know how you're feeling.

Practically - claim Tax Credits as a single person, make sure you get the Council Tax discount for being the only adult in the house and then claim Council Tax Benefit as well. If you have a mortgage, consider going interest only - and discuss with the mortgage company before missing a payment.

Everything else is one day at a time. I believe very strongly in the 'no contact' rule. In the early days they will come and go as it suits them unless you get a grip on it and demand something different. It's easy to want to see the person, hoping that they'll somehow rememer how good life was with you and want to be with you but it won't work. He'll just walk all over you so don't let him. Keep him at arm's length. Surprise him by dealing only with anything which relates to the children or money and everything else tell him you'd love to talk but will only do that using a counsellor. A counsellor will not allow him to maniuplate and bully and control (which is what is coming next, I guarentee it!) and keep you in that constant state of flux where you have no idea what's going on - this is beneficial to him as you want him, she wants him and hey ho, isn't he great!

My ex wouldn't talk to me (ironically he's a counsellor himself) and even two years down the line, despite a couple of serious attempts to work things out with me, he still refuses to sit down with a third party. He can't face it. He doesn't want to face up to his stuff so he avoids it. You can't save a marraige by avoiding yourself.

Hang on in there. Keep posting here and have a look on www.wikivorce.com as that will help not only with practicalities but also with the emotional side of things, with people experiencing exactly the same things as you.

whichwaytuturn

clearingout thank you so much for your kind words. sorry to hear that u went through this also. i think he was quite shocked when i said i dont want to talk to him. there is method in my madness in the vain attempt to get him to see that he misses me not the kids. by having no contact it will go one way or the other. i have told him that if he finds he does miss me then he can get in touch. i regret telling him that i didnt want contact as he is a stubborn man and he will just go oh well she dont want to see me/ speak to me so i wont bother. i think i should have not said anything and waited to see how long before he made contact. what will be will be.
think that if things were to improve then a counsellor will be invaluable as he has a terrible habit of only speaking when he wants too,it dont matter if u want to and that will have to change.
thank you for the link i will have a look at that now

whichwaytuturn

does anyone think counselling may help. if we are to stay aprt it may help us make things easier on the kids. or if there is any doubt that we stay apart or not it may help us to decide if we have a future.

what do people think good idea or not . do it now or wait a few weeks ?

Keeping_Motivated

Do you mean counselling for yourself or couple counselling?

I think for yourself then yes it could help clear your mind and help you with your grief and further decisions.

If you mean couple counselling then it will only work if your husband FULLY is committed to going.

There is also mediation which I don't know alot about but rather than counselling it is more someone to help navigate all the complications that a split causes the family dynamics and also finances.

Keeping_Motivated

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/...html?t=1055339

This may or may not be something you want to read (click on the link above) but it is an example of what one poster (and then others joined in) has experienced after OH left and she got some great advice so it may be helpful to you. Some of the people got back together and worked it out with the OH's after affairs and some did not. They are still posting 2 years later and state they wouldn't have got through it without the help they got from fellow posters so may be at some point you might want to join in with their thread. Their lastest thread is the link below.

2 years on and still going!!!

whichwaytuturn

thank you for that keepingmotivated i will take a peek off out to have lunch with mother in law.