Some advice re an affair please?

DVardysShadow

Firefly wrote: »

He is understandably hurt but that doesn't give him blanket permission to treat you badly and your self esteem needs to be boosted to a state in which you can tell him not to.

Self esteem? Boost OP's to tell OP's OH not to? That could be counterproductive, even explosive. Particularly if OH needs his self esteem raising to the point where he can let it go.

Tulip09

I dont understand how anyone could 'forgive & forget'! The hurt has been done, for me not the actual act of sex etc but the total betrayal of marriage / lives together & feelings/ promises. Hurt can only be fixed over time, he is angry and proberly has 1000 feelings & thoughts going on in his head but he is wrong to treat you this way, and this will have a negative effect on you all. It is time to get honest with each other and lay your cards on the table, if it can work out it will do. He came back for a reason, its time he worked out what it is. The only way i think you can move forward is by both being honest and open. For you to have had an affair there must have been something wrong for you in your relationship. Be open & honest or nothing will improve.

BritRael

Horrible (if self-inflicted) situation. Hope you both manage to get yourselves sorted.

Everybody seems to be concentrating on your cheating; which of course is going to put a huge strain on both of you. But are there other issues? i.e. is he unemployed? do you have debts? do you have health problems etc.? Any one of these could be compounding what is an already difficult problem to solve.

seven-day-weekend

DUTR wrote: »

Disagree with the last line, though looking at the original post and some of the following replies, I sort of agree, that the couple perhaps should part company, it's ok admitting what she done was wrong, but it's not ok to expect the hubby to forgive and forget (Who wants somebody's used chewing gum? ), if the tables were turned I don't honestly believe the respondants would be saying the same.

It is possible to do both, given time, patience, love and understanding, but it may take years to completely recover.

I personally think that, hurtful as it is, the OP should try to ignore his ranting and let him get it out, he needs to get rid of his pain and anger and come to terms with the betrayal before he can even begin to move on.

I'm assuming of course that both of them want the marriage to continue.

hot.chick

your husband doesn't sound like hes come back to work things out - but to punish you.

You need to do couples couseling - if this is going to get back on track.

You did a bad thing, but he either has work with you on forgiving you and moving on or let you get on with your life.

You are already under a counsolor and medication so you have far from got off scott free, he loves you and is with you or he isn't - it's not fair to drag you through the dirt all the time.

I do not agree that you should put up wit it and 'let him get it out of his system' I feel that this will be a pattern of behaviour that will not change without something happening - it will continue throughout the relationship if you do not do something about it.

And I know it may not feel like it - but you are worth more - everyone is.

Good luck xx

clearingout

as someone who was cheated one for a couple of years, I don't think it's possible to convey in words just how devestating it is to realise everything you thought was 'good' and 'right' in your life actually isn't. Having an affair is just about the most selfish act anyone can 'do' in a marriage, in my opinion. You need to face up to his pain, recognise it, acknowledge it with him, apologise and then demand that he puts it on one side as you start to work things out.

I wrote in another post the other day that at the point my husband left me - almost 2 years ago - I was in total shock and would have told anyone who asked that our marraige was fine, that we were happy etc. etc. It has taken a lot of soul searching on my part to realise that wasn't the case. I had a decent husband, he didn't cheat because he was happy with our marriage, he cheated because he wasn't getting what he wanted out of our marriage. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean I accept his behaviour - or indeed, his dreadful behaviour since he left me - but it means I have been able to put it into context and accept it for what it was. I have, as they say, 'moved on'.

You need to ask yourself why exactly you cheated. Because the answer to that is the problem you and your husband need to face together. If he won't go to counselling, you will probably never be able to work out the problem, whatever it is. You will bumble along for a few months, maybe a few years, but ultimately, you'll cheat again or he'll cheat to punish you. Divorce is pretty much inevitable. Do you want to live like that? Yes, your daughter needs a dad but he can still be a dad if you're separated. That doesn't need to change.

You need to find the inner strength to stand up to him and demand that he treats you with respect and accepts it takes two to make a marrriage. You can't work this out on your own. Keep talking with your counsellor and build up your self esteem - no one deserves to be called a 'slag' in their own home by someone who is supposed to love them. Then decide what it is you want and go for it - no ultimatiums, no looking back. It's your life and you need to live it.

Take care. It's hard but you'll get there in the end. xxx

determined_new_ms

hot.chick wrote: »

I do not agree that you should put up wit it and 'let him get it out of his system' I feel that this will be a pattern of behaviour that will not change without something happening - it will continue throughout the relationship if you do not do something about it.

And I know it may not feel like it - but you are worth more - everyone is.

Good luck xx

I totally agree with this position. Its been proven that expressing anger in this way just increases angry feelings. Its not ok for people to call each other vicious names - that's not love & its really unhealthy for all parties.

I think the key is looking at what the root problems are in the relationship, what lead to the affair? People who are happily married & in love do not have affairs - why would they? The affair is just a symptom of the underlying problems.

Are you happy in your marraige or wanting to keep the famiy together? Its really unhealthy for your child to live in an acrimonious family, childhood is the time when we develop core beliefs so if its a girl she will make links that its ok to put up with abusive partners & if its a boy he will see that's how men treat women. I think broaching this with your husband might be a start to working on it or calling it a day for the sake of your child.

the underlying problems & the resulting conflict are no doubt the reason for your depression, so for your own sanity you need to be brave and deal with this in a healthy way (I get the impression he's always been bullying to you but its got worse since the affiar?). It will be hard enough to forgive yourself for the affair but couples move on if your relationship is strong enough. I wish you all the best

(FYI to all other posters - while I really do feel for anyone who is suffering because someone abused your trust (I had a relationship with a philanderer so I do know the pain it brings) please don't blame the op for that, those are your issues and the op is already depressed & has made attempts on her life. Its not the forum to poor out your pain & anguish. Each situation is different and no-one has the right to judge imho)

clairehi

steph123steph wrote: »

IMy husband has a habit of calling names when hes angry, but since what happened this is terrible worse. (

sounds like your marriage problems started before you had the affair - your husband was already in the habit of verbally abusing you.

does he actually want the marriage to work out? if so he is going to have to accept that although he is angry, he cannot treat you with no respect forever.

if he cannot cope with his feelings about what you did then he needs to come to couples counselling with you, or fiind some other outlet.

if not then you may have to accept that despite your remorse and genuine wish to save the marriage, it is not going to happen. otherwise you could end up stuck in an abusive relationship and what example is that for your DD.

spongebabs

sassy-one wrote: »

I stopped at where the OP admits she cheated on her husband.

You put other women to shame, and ruin it for the rest of us.

I as a victim of a cheating and violent wife know only to why what the damage you have already caused.

I hope your husband throws you out the house and divorces you, once a cheater, always one!!!!

That's incredibly unhelpful and absolutely unnecessary! The op is looking for advice, not to be judged!

RacyRed

steph123steph wrote: »

Today he called me a !!!!!!, and I dont have a place to defend that because of what I did. He leaves me every week. When Im not singing and dancing he starts on at me calling me miserable, even if Im literally just sitting and relaxing.

Sounds to me as if your affair was a scream for help. It is time your husband was made to listen if he genuinely wants your marriage to work. He will need help to do that, more help than you can give him from the sound of it.

Through all the anger and resentment he is expressing, your husband probably realises deep inside himself that he made you unhappy enough to take refuge in another man's arms. That is why he wants to see you happy all the time now.

He is trying to blame you because he cannot take responsibility for his own actions. He knows he has done something very wrong but probably doesn't conciously know, or accept, what it is or how to change. He is bullying you into accepting the behavior that drove you off the rails in the first place. That will never work and will be very bad for your DD.

And the next time he calls you a !!!!!!, look him straight in the eye and ask him who he thinks did that to you.