Some advice re an affair please?

steph123steph

I need some advice please if possible, I only post things like this when Im literally lost. In June of this year I met a man and cheated on my husband and DD father. After some real soul searching and 2 months, 3 overdoses and a seizure later I realised my family is what I really wanted ultimately. My husband came back home and we slowly started to work on things. This other man is history and I have no contact or intents whatsoever with him. I am now seeing a councellor and take prozac daily to help manage my emotions although Im still finding every day difficult. My husband has a habit of calling names when hes angry, but since what happened this is terrible worse. Today he called me a !!!!!!, and I dont have a place to defend that because of what I did. He leaves me every week. When Im not singing and dancing he starts on at me calling me miserable, even if Im literally just sitting and relaxing. He said the other day I have until new year and if hes not happy then hes leaving us for good. I feel I am doing everything I can to make our family but because he is hurt all he sees is blame. I dont know what to do. I just want wants best for my daughter and I think her dad needs to be there :0(

catloverbex

*hugs*! Sorry I'm not one to be giving relationship advice I'm afraid But didn't want to read and run. Maybe you could trying seeing a relationship counsellor together? I know Relate are supposed to be really good. xxx

Firefly

Seems to me that athough it's good you're addressing your own inner self through counselling you may need to work together on why you came to be in the space you found yourself in. He is understandably hurt but that doesn't give him blanket permission to treat you badly and your self esteem needs to be boosted to a state in which you can tell him not to.

What does your counsellor say about this situation and what have they advised?

steph123steph

thank you for your quick reply. I havnt addressed this in detail to my councellor yet as Im a little embarrased. Ive explained the relationship just isnt balanced anymore as every single issue we have boils down to me ruining our family. She brushed on it a little by saying he cant do that but didnt really give me any techniques how to manage it. I asked my husband to go councelling with me but he says I dont deserve him to go and its my punishment for what i did.

CallaLily

Ok what you did was wrong but you admitted it to him I pressume as he knows about it? Anyway this does not give him the right to treat you like dirt. He is obviously still very angry and is not dealing with what happened very well, I would have to agree with the previous posters and say that you seriously need to have some counciling to try and work past his anger and frustration and if he is not willing to go maybe you could go alone?
Hope you manage to work through it x

CallaLily

steph123steph wrote: »

thank you for your quick reply. I havnt addressed this in detail to my councellor yet as Im a little embarrased. Ive explained the relationship just isnt balanced anymore as every single issue we have boils down to me ruining our family. She brushed on it a little by saying he cant do that but didnt really give me any techniques how to manage it. I asked my husband to go councelling with me but he says I dont deserve him to go and its my punishment for what i did.

Sorry so slow typing you replied as I was doing it . Are you able to change to another councellor at all? He really cannot go on "punishing" you as that is only going to hurt all of you more in the long run, are you sure he wants to continue in the relationship to make it work rather than just to make you suffer? Sorry but it may be a possibility.

Firefly

The more you can open up and lay your cards on the table within the safe space of a counselling session the better it will be. It's like telling a doctor you're fine and expecting him to heal your aches and pains.

If you can't tell your counsellor then write it down in a letter for him to read with you. The writing itself is an effective form of therapy and can help you identify the real issues.

Your husband has issues of his own I'd guess if he's not able to support the relationship in a mutually beneficial way. I'd be making my own way in the world if anyone treated me in the way he's done to you. There was clearly a very valid reason for you to seek solace elsewhere.

I wish you well.

exup

I hope you can get your husband along to councilling before its too late - whatever the reason for the initial problem it needs both to sort it out, as you are both in this releationship.
you also need to know if there is any future in it, and your husband needs the help to be able to express himself in a more productive way.

putting yourself solely through the wringer is not going to help - i know from personal experiece, and when my last relationship began to break down I tried everything to help save it - but my partner refused to accept that the way she acted could ever be a problem. OK our situations are different as i became depressed due to what i felt was bullying and mental abuse, i felt that in the end i had no choice but to leave.
It broke my heart but family and friends have noticed a positive difference, and it is a better situation now for our children to grow up in rather than an abusive one.
hope you get it sorted out okay

Bloomin_Freezing2

It clear that what you did to him and your daughter is still affecting him badly, and rightly so to be honest. He needs to decide if he can continue with the relationship as it's no good for either of you for it to continue as it is, especially your daughter.

ellay864

I am in no way judging you but I've been on the other side (my ex cheated on me, left and came back twice before finally going off with her). I know that even when you say you want to make a go of it, the hurt is still there, it's easy to be paranoid about everything, it becomes so much easier to doubt than to trust. While you say you want to make a go of it, your OH just may not be able to deal with it. It doesn't mean he is right to treat you like this now but what you both need to decide is if you can both sort things enough to make it work. He just may not be able to do that and the marriage may not work out. However much you may feel that you're doing all you can, you have to take some of the blame as his actions and feelings now are being governed by his entirely natural response to you cheating on him; I'm not at all saying he's right to treat you that way, just saying his reactions will not be normal because of everything he's feeling. I felt I wanted my ex to stay, but looking back I can see that my pain was driving me to extreme reactons to things and the marraige never really stood a chance. You both need to talk, see a counsellor whatever, but decide just what you each can and can't deal with in the relationship. Some couples can put it behind them, properly forgive if not forget, and move on - not everybody can and staying together in that sort of environment is not the best for your DD. Good luck x

Make-it-3

Your husband is still hurting - a lot - and this is his way of expressing it. Unfortunately it doesn't help you repair it. If he can't find a path to forgiveness then your relationship won't be able to move on. Would he be willing to see a counsellor on his own, rather than couples counselling, to start with? Do you think he allowed you to move back simply to punish you or are there times when you think he genuinely wants this to work out? You need to find a time to talk to him about this, acknowledge that he has the hardest challenge in this relationship, but ask him to be honest if he thinks it can be done - if not there's not point hanging things out to some arbitary date in January.